Posted on 05/19/2005 7:04:08 AM PDT by crushkerry
Who is this award named for? Judge Elihu Smails, the character in the film Caddyshack who asks of the obnoxious but lovable Al Czervick (played by Rodney Dangerfield), “Good Lord, what has this buffoon done now?”
As a special tribute to Judge Smails, every week we will issue this award to the biggest buffoon of the week … the person who, through his or her actions or public statements, has made a buffoon of themselves and everyone associated with them. Please note that since we slammed John "Crushed" Kerry on a daily basis when the site name was "crushkerry", he and his family are ineligible for this prestigious award. We also ask Ankle Biters to send in your nominations (no limits, so keep them coming). All we ask is that you tell us why you’re nominating the person, and include a link to any relevant stories.
This week provided a panoply of choices for this prestigious award. We could go with Howard Dean for Osama deserves more rights than Tom DeLay or we could have chosen Keith Olbermann for his comments that the White House somehow committed treason on the Newsweek story. But we decided to go a different direction this week instead of those more obvious choices.
No, this week we turn to the world of entertainment for the winners. Yes, that's right, for the second time ever two people are going to share the award. Splitting the Judge Smails "Buffoon Of The Week" Award are Chris "Capitalism Sucks, Except For Me" Martin a/ka/ Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, lead singer of the band Coldplay and actress Cameron "I Want To Poo In The Woods" Diaz, who makes Britney Spears look like a Rhodes Scholar.
Let's first see what Chris Martin did to earn this honor. This tortured artist decided to use his platform as the lead singer of a mediocre-at-best ban to decry the capitalist system. When EMI records said that his 3 year delay in making a new Coldplay album might cut into corporate profits Martin got diarrhea of the mouth and bit the hand that fed him, saying:
"I think shareholders are the great evil of this modern world." Martin told reporters at Manhattan's Beacon Theatre that the band was uncomfortable that they sell so many albums they can affect a major corporation's stock price. "It's very strange for us that we spent 18 months in the studio just trying to make songs that make us feel a certain way and then suddenly become part of this corporate machine," Martin said backstage. He criticized what he called "the slavery that we are all under to shareholders".Oh, how easy it is to be so above it all and criticize the capitalist system when you just bought a mansion for 3.75 million pounds ($6.9 million US), gave it a 750,000 pound ($1.3 million US) "facelift" in a trendy London suburb so you and your snotty, high maintenance wife could be near your "alternative health gurus".
But let's not forget Martin is not a one trick pony in the moron department. Just about 2 years ago Martin said at the British Grammy awards that "Awards are essentially nonsense. We're all going to die when George Bush has his way. It's good to go out with a bang." Yeah, OK Chris. Bush was going to kill us all, but you're still here. Lucky for us I guess, because we get to make fun of the ignorant, self-absorbed, jacka$$ that you are.
I swear this dopey broad has to be a great actor. Nobody, and I mean nobody, could do such a great job as acting as dumb as a box of rocks as this twit. This week however, she topped it off with her greatest performance ever. She was at the Reebok Human Rights Awards (WTF is up with that?) and the following hilarity ensued:
The true highlight of the evening came when Cameron Diaz pranced out on stage. Waving and blowing kisses she tottered in her stilettos and skintight jeans over to the podium. Struggling to read the speech prepared for her, she gratefully welcomed interruptions of high school kids screaming, "You're so hot Cameron!! I want you Cameron!" "Come on you guys," she said tossing her shiny blond hair over her shoulder, “Please. I mean, it's totally awesome that you're here."Can you imagine the mental dexterity it takes to find common cause with people who are brutalized and attacked, while giving a speech to a bunch of horny, pampered brats and then switch gears so fast to tell everyone they are awesome because they want to jump your bones? How would you like to be a fly on the wall when she and her boyband boyfriend discuss world events. After all this is the same half-wit that said on Oprah that went on Oprah to discuss voting and said:She then read her bit about Carlos Rojas, a videographer documenting violent atrocities against his indigenous ethnic group in Oaxaca. "Brutalized, attacked, imprisoned and tortured by the Mexican military, the Mixe found themselves without a voice," Cameron read. Then, looking up at the audience, puppy dog eyes wide, she ad libbed, "I think we all know what that feels like, right guys?" From the back of the auditorium came the response, "I want to do you, Cameron!" She smiled and waved. "You guys are so awesome!"
We have a voice now, and we're not using it, and women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose the right to our bodies. We could lo--if you think that rape should be legal, then don't vote. But if you think that you have a right to your body, and you have a right to say what happens to you and fight off that danger of losing that, then you should vote.Go ahead I dare you. Argue with that logic. But by far the best example of the wit and wisdom of this dolt occurs regularly on her MTV show Trippin'. You really have to read all this stuff to believe it:
On crapping in the woods and poop itself: When Drew Barrymore (bragged about defecating in the forest, Diaz responded she would like to have the same experience. "I am so jealous right now, I am going -- I am going to the woods tomorrow," Diaz said. A clearly satisfied Barrymore laughed, repeating, "It was awesome."Dear God, this is way too easy. And the worst part is she's a really rotten actress whose only good movie was There's Something About Mary in which she played an idiot. But really, how hard was that? And I hate to you Cameron, but you're not as hot as you think you are. (Yes guys I know there are sexy pictures of her you could find, but really, take a look at a picture of hers without makeup or airbrushing - it ain't that great)Diaz lauded the Nepalese villagers' practice of slathering cow dung as a form of wall plaster used to coat the walls: "Nothing goes to waste. It is beautiful. It is inspiring," she said. "It is incredible to see how in tune these people are with the environment; they are completely self-sufficient", Diaz added.
On living without electricity: "These people have decided that keeping the cranes in their valley is more important than having the convenience of electricity," Diaz noted. "It is admirable that they would give up that convenience, because if they were to build power lines here, the birds would lose their habitat here and disappear from the landscape of Bhutan, ending centuries of tradition," she added. Diaz was less enthusiastic about the modern American lifestyle: "It's kinda gotten out of hand how much convenience we think we need," she said after visiting an indigenous Chilean village in the fourth episode.
On Diaz's new favorite country: Bhutan, a country that received particular praise from Diaz for its environmental policies, has one of the highest infant mortality rates (103 infant deaths per 1,000 live births) and lowest life expectancies (54 years) in the world. By comparison, the United States, which Diaz described as having too much "convenience," has an infant mortality rate of only 6.6 per 1000 and an average life expectancy of more than 77 years.
Diaz described it as the "only country in the world where forest cover is increasing." According to CIA estimates, Bhutan has one of the world's smallest and least developed economies, with the country's 2-million people surviving mostly on the crops they grow themselves. "My favorite thing about Bhutan is they measure their country's wealth, not based on dollar amount but on gross national happiness," Diaz said.
Diaz was happy to learn that 72 percent of the country is still covered in forest. "That is so awesome. I like Bhutan," Diaz said, noting that the country has "maintained a careful balance of Old World tradition and modern convenience." "Life moves at a different pace here in Bhutan," she said. "The fusion of religion, tradition and a genuine respect for the environment give the whole country a peaceful balance."
So there you have it - two buffoons who sum up Hollywood and show biz perfectly - ignorant, condescending, hypocritical, ill-informed and easy to make fun of. So enjoy your prize you two crazy kids. Maybe you can hock the trophy to buy something you obviously have been going without for a long time, despite all your wealth. It's called a brain cell.
Past Winners:
Olympia "I'm An Ignorant Dolt" Snowe
George "My Conscience Hurts" Voinovich
Chris "We Are An Arrogant and Corrupt Party" Shays
Lawrence "The Papacy Is Irrelevant" O'Donnell
Barbara "Save the Bears - But Kill The Babies" Boxer
Giuliana "Better Red Than Dead" Srgena
Robert "GOP=Hitler" Byrd (D-KKK)
Maurice "Karl Rove Planted Those Forged Documents" Hinchey
Eason "I'll call our troops murderers, but not those that killed my girlfriend's husband" Jordan
Ward ""The 9/11 Victims Were 'Little Eichmanns'" Churchill
Barbara "It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To" Boxer
Jan "You Are All Stingy" Egelund
Kofi "Don't Bother the Terrorists" Annan and Dustin "Let's Smell Their A$$es" Hoffman
Walter "Rove Made the Bin Laden Tape" Cronkite and Bill "It's a Coup I Tell You" Moyers
Jimmy "The Revolutionary War Was Unnecessary" Carter
Charlie "I Voted For the Draft-Before I Voted Against It" Rangel
Joe "Allawi's a Puppet" Lockhart
Dan "What's The Forgery, Kenneth?" Rather
Chrissy "I Squat To Pee" Matthews
Bruce "I'm a Washed Up Bush Hater" Springsteen
Kendrick "Johnny Soprano" Meek
Howard "The Terror Alerts Are Political" Dean
Eddie "UN Inspectors in Florida" Bernice Johnson
Ted "I Killed a Woman Once" Kennedy
Smails Award Ping.
Now, this kind of treatment is exactly the way we should approach a lot of the nutcases out there.
Give them some kind of jackass award, fit them into the tidy little slot where they belong (Newsweek = treasonous lying slimey weasal publication) and do so publicly and repetively that no one wants to be associated with it/them/him.
Laughing at liberals really, really pisses them off. Might be a good solution for a lot of problems.
For example, Galloway is pretty funny. He couldn't find himself a big enough soapbox without coming to America with his rant? There must be something humorous about that - and I suspect that making fun of the man would really annoy the heck out of him. After all, it is those tasteless 'editorial cartoons' that lampoon President Bush, that burn a lot of us up. Time to turn the tables a lot more often.
bttt
Biting the corporate hand that feeds them....goes back a long ways....I saw Chicago in the 70's and will never forget Robert Lamm describing Columbia Records as a "corporate piece of sh*t" in between songs....had I been in charge at Columbia then, I'd have left the band stranded high and dry in some lil jerkwater town.....would have served them right.....Cameron Diaz and her prattlings are too stupid to even comment upon....
LOL... great write-up!
I happen to like Cold Play's music. But I won't be buying it. I guess I'll just tape it free off the radio.
I nominate Senators Leahy and Reid for calling conservative judges, radical activists.
1. Any liberal - democRat, RINO, or Independent - in congress; hell, take your pick. There are plenty to choose from.
2. Any MSM editor or reporter, especially those at Newsweek that wrote and approved the story about flushing the Koran down a toilet, without checking sources.
3. Dan Rather and his staff.
4. Sarah Brady.
5. Jesse Jackson.
6. Quannell X(crement).
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