Skip to comments.A Few Random Steven Wright Jokes
Posted on 06/27/2005 1:24:31 AM PDT by F15Eagle
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."
a few laughs for your Monday morning
I once cried Movie in a crowded Fire House.
Saw him in concert once...my sides hurt afterwards =D
Very funny !
Fantastic jokes. Thanks for the laughs.
I lived in an apartment during my college years. Found a switch that didn't do anything. When I was bored I'd flip the switch Up. Down. Up. Down.
Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
One day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. All she wrote was "Stop it!"
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the perscription ran out.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright, peripheral visonary.
"I came home one day and found everything in my apartment had been stolen.... and replaced with an exact replica."
"How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
I saw Steven Wright about 20 years ago - - right about the height of his popularity. He was hilarious when he was fresh.
...my name is Bucky Goldsteen.
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.
Thanks F15 My day has been sort of a large pile of dung today and I needed this!
Why is an orange called an orange but an apple not a red?
It's a real bitch to fold.
(At least I think I remember him ending the joke this way.)
Thanks for the A.M. laughs!
I went to a convenience store by my house but the guy was locking up. I said "wait...aren't you open 24 hours?" The guy looked at me incredulously and said "not in a ROW!"
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I'm in love with the woman who cleans my teeth, but I don't get to spend much time with her. So before an appointment I eat a whole package of Oreos.
"if you break both of your legs, can you still go to a walk-in clinic"?
I once put instant coffee in the microwave....I almost went back in time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Every 45 minutes I step outside to have my picture taken by satellite...
I'm a bit of a phsycic, you know. I can see the future, but only way out to the sides.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I always take plenty of freeze-dried water on hikes because it is so lightweight.
Here's one of my favorites:
I have the world's largest sea shell collection. Maybe you've seen it. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Note: This is NOT an SW joke, but it's in the same spirit.
A clerk approached me in the frozen orange juice freezer after seeing me digging to the bottom of the cans and squeezing each one. He asked "What are you doing?" I replied: "Looking for the three cans of water."
I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Where have I been. I haven't even heard of Steven Wright. Sounds like I've been missing out on some good humor. Clean, too.
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.
Thanks for the laughs and the memories.
SW is a very funny guy -- haven't heard his stuff in a few years.
Top, top jokes.
I like this one.
I got a postcard from a friend. It was a picture of Earth, from space. On the back he wrote "Wish you were here."
(grabs guitar) "I'd like to play everything the Beatles ever wrote...
I won't do all of Hey Jude."
Why do you park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway?
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Thanks for posting--way back when, my son and I caught him on a television show and laughed ourselves silly.
He had a sex change operation?.........;^}>........
Stephen Wright is one of my favorites. He's just SO deadpan!
Sometimes, when I take a shower, I like to turn off the lights and pretend I'm in a submarime that's been hit...
I put on my favorite shirt the other day. But I looked down and saw that I'd lost a button hole.
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