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A Few Random Steven Wright Jokes
none ^ | 6/27/05 | none

Posted on 06/27/2005 1:24:31 AM PDT by F15Eagle

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: joke; jokes
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1 posted on 06/27/2005 1:24:31 AM PDT by F15Eagle
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To: Cindy; yonif; Alouette; Yehuda; dennisw; Lent; TorahTrueJew; Travis McGee; Jeff Head; rdb3; ...

a few laughs for your Monday morning


2 posted on 06/27/2005 1:25:29 AM PDT by F15Eagle
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To: F15Eagle

I once cried Movie in a crowded Fire House.


3 posted on 06/27/2005 1:27:56 AM PDT by IronMan04
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To: IronMan04

LOL


4 posted on 06/27/2005 1:29:20 AM PDT by F15Eagle
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To: F15Eagle

Saw him in concert once...my sides hurt afterwards =D


5 posted on 06/27/2005 1:33:45 AM PDT by ECM
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To: F15Eagle
I have a dog named Stay. And when he was a puppy, I used to say, "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
Now he just ignores me and keeps on typing. He's an East German Shepherd; very very disciplined.
6 posted on 06/27/2005 1:34:32 AM PDT by LowCountryJoe (50 states, and their various laws, will serve 'we, the people' better than just one LARGE state can)
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To: LowCountryJoe

Very funny !


7 posted on 06/27/2005 1:36:16 AM PDT by Red Sea Swimmer (Tisha5765Bav)
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To: F15Eagle

Fantastic jokes. Thanks for the laughs.


8 posted on 06/27/2005 1:37:28 AM PDT by Red Sea Swimmer (Tisha5765Bav)
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To: LowCountryJoe; ECM; Red Sea Swimmer

I lived in an apartment during my college years. Found a switch that didn't do anything. When I was bored I'd flip the switch Up. Down. Up. Down.

Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

One day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. All she wrote was "Stop it!"


9 posted on 06/27/2005 1:39:30 AM PDT by F15Eagle (gotta hit the sack - BBL)
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To: F15Eagle
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the perscription ran out.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

10 posted on 06/27/2005 1:40:11 AM PDT by WestVirginiaRebel (Carnac: A siren, a baby and a liberal. Answer: Name three things that whine.)
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To: F15Eagle

Steven Wright, peripheral visonary.


11 posted on 06/27/2005 1:41:21 AM PDT by jaykay (The following statement is true: The preceding statement was false.)
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To: F15Eagle

"I came home one day and found everything in my apartment had been stolen.... and replaced with an exact replica."

"How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"

I saw Steven Wright about 20 years ago - - right about the height of his popularity. He was hilarious when he was fresh.


12 posted on 06/27/2005 1:44:20 AM PDT by Lancey Howard
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To: jaykay
Bill Hicks was also extraordinarily gifted.
13 posted on 06/27/2005 1:45:15 AM PDT by Red Sea Swimmer (Tisha5765Bav)
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To: F15Eagle
Nice!

...my name is Bucky Goldsteen.

14 posted on 06/27/2005 1:46:25 AM PDT by LowCountryJoe (50 states, and their various laws, will serve 'we, the people' better than just one LARGE state can)
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To: WestVirginiaRebel
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.

15 posted on 06/27/2005 1:48:30 AM PDT by LowCountryJoe (50 states, and their various laws, will serve 'we, the people' better than just one LARGE state can)
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To: F15Eagle
Why are asteroids called asteroids and hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids? Shouldn`t it be the other way around?
16 posted on 06/27/2005 1:48:35 AM PDT by EdHallick (It`s time to play the feeuuud! "Name something evil" "Hitlery" ..Good answer good answer "Survey say)
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To: F15Eagle

Thanks F15 My day has been sort of a large pile of dung today and I needed this!


17 posted on 06/27/2005 1:49:21 AM PDT by MilspecRob (Most people don't act stupid, they really are.)
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To: F15Eagle
"I called information. I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.'
They were."
18 posted on 06/27/2005 1:57:35 AM PDT by hoosier_RW_conspirator
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To: F15Eagle

Why is an orange called an orange but an apple not a red?


19 posted on 06/27/2005 2:00:35 AM PDT by EdHallick (It`s time to play the feeuuud! "Name something evil" "Hitlery" ..Good answer good answer "Survey say)
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To: F15Eagle
"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."

It's a real bitch to fold.

(At least I think I remember him ending the joke this way.)

Thanks for the A.M. laughs!

20 posted on 06/27/2005 2:03:11 AM PDT by billclintonwillrotinhell
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To: F15Eagle

I went to a convenience store by my house but the guy was locking up. I said "wait...aren't you open 24 hours?" The guy looked at me incredulously and said "not in a ROW!"


21 posted on 06/27/2005 2:11:42 AM PDT by IrishRainy
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To: LowCountryJoe

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.


22 posted on 06/27/2005 2:13:52 AM PDT by WestVirginiaRebel (Carnac: A siren, a baby and a liberal. Answer: Name three things that whine.)
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To: F15Eagle

I'm in love with the woman who cleans my teeth, but I don't get to spend much time with her. So before an appointment I eat a whole package of Oreos.


23 posted on 06/27/2005 2:14:03 AM PDT by Darkwolf
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To: Loud Mime


24 posted on 06/27/2005 2:29:07 AM PDT by The Red Zone (Florida, the sun-shame state, and Illinois the chicken injun.)
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To: F15Eagle

"if you break both of your legs, can you still go to a walk-in clinic"?


25 posted on 06/27/2005 2:42:06 AM PDT by muir_redwoods (Free Sirhan Sirhan, after all, the bastard who killed Mary Jo Kopeckne is walking around free)
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To: F15Eagle

I once put instant coffee in the microwave....I almost went back in time.


26 posted on 06/27/2005 2:45:17 AM PDT by Manic_Episode (OUT OF ORDER)
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To: F15Eagle

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


27 posted on 06/27/2005 2:45:43 AM PDT by Watery Tart (BIGFOOT?!? I prefer the term Yeti-American.)
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To: F15Eagle

Every 45 minutes I step outside to have my picture taken by satellite...

:)


28 posted on 06/27/2005 2:49:57 AM PDT by RaceBannon ((Prov 28:1 KJV) The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion.)
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To: F15Eagle

I'm a bit of a phsycic, you know. I can see the future, but only way out to the sides.

I'm a peripheral visionary.


29 posted on 06/27/2005 2:55:30 AM PDT by jimtorr
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To: LowCountryJoe
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.

I always take plenty of freeze-dried water on hikes because it is so lightweight.

30 posted on 06/27/2005 3:13:53 AM PDT by Misterioso
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To: F15Eagle
Thanks. I always liked S.W.

Here's one of my favorites:

I have the world's largest sea shell collection. Maybe you've seen it. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.

31 posted on 06/27/2005 3:15:00 AM PDT by FreeRadical (That's no Open Container, that's My Beer.)
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To: F15Eagle

Note: This is NOT an SW joke, but it's in the same spirit.
A clerk approached me in the frozen orange juice freezer after seeing me digging to the bottom of the cans and squeezing each one. He asked "What are you doing?" I replied: "Looking for the three cans of water."


32 posted on 06/27/2005 3:34:32 AM PDT by HubCon4
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Bookmark.


33 posted on 06/27/2005 3:49:52 AM PDT by Junior (“Even if you are one-in-a-million, there are still 6,000 others just like you.”)
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To: F15Eagle

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.


34 posted on 06/27/2005 3:54:44 AM PDT by mikeus_maximus
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To: F15Eagle

Where have I been. I haven't even heard of Steven Wright. Sounds like I've been missing out on some good humor. Clean, too.


35 posted on 06/27/2005 4:12:46 AM PDT by B.Bumbleberry
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To: F15Eagle
Thanks for the laughs, Steven is a very funny comedienne

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.   When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.   I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'   He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.

36 posted on 06/27/2005 4:18:56 AM PDT by softwarecreator (Facts are to liberals as holy water is to vampires)
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To: F15Eagle

37 posted on 06/27/2005 4:19:44 AM PDT by Jackknife (No man is entitled to the blessings of freedom unless he be vigilant in its preservation.-MacArthur)
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To: F15Eagle

Thanks for the laughs and the memories.

SW is a very funny guy -- haven't heard his stuff in a few years.


38 posted on 06/27/2005 4:26:00 AM PDT by freedumb2003 (Durka Durka Durka. Muhammed Jihad Durka.)
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To: softwarecreator

Top, top jokes.


39 posted on 06/27/2005 4:28:24 AM PDT by Red Sea Swimmer (Tisha5765Bav)
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To: F15Eagle
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

I like this one.

40 posted on 06/27/2005 4:32:38 AM PDT by 7thson (I think it takes a big dog to weigh a hundred pounds!)
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To: F15Eagle

I got a postcard from a friend. It was a picture of Earth, from space. On the back he wrote "Wish you were here."


41 posted on 06/27/2005 4:33:05 AM PDT by Lazamataz (Looks like the Supreme Court wants to play Cowboys and Homeowners.)
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To: F15Eagle

(grabs guitar) "I'd like to play everything the Beatles ever wrote...


I won't do all of Hey Jude."


42 posted on 06/27/2005 4:48:13 AM PDT by ko_kyi
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To: F15Eagle

Why do you park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway?

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!


43 posted on 06/27/2005 4:54:05 AM PDT by Jhensy
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To: B.Bumbleberry

44 posted on 06/27/2005 5:09:02 AM PDT by xp38
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To: F15Eagle

Thanks for posting--way back when, my son and I caught him on a television show and laughed ourselves silly.

Funny man.


45 posted on 06/27/2005 5:15:39 AM PDT by Judith Anne (Thank you St. Jude for favors granted.)
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To: softwarecreator
...Steven is a very funny comedienne ...

He had a sex change operation?.........;^}>........

46 posted on 06/27/2005 5:17:32 AM PDT by Red Badger (The Army makes the world safe for democracy. The Marines make the world safe for the Army.....)
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To: F15Eagle
I remember Wrights advice to friend Tim Matheson going to a job interview in a made for T.V. movie: "Dress Round, act Round, say Round things".
47 posted on 06/27/2005 5:21:51 AM PDT by Lockbar (March toward the sound of the guns.)
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To: F15Eagle

Stephen Wright is one of my favorites. He's just SO deadpan!


48 posted on 06/27/2005 5:22:47 AM PDT by SuziQ
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To: F15Eagle

Sometimes, when I take a shower, I like to turn off the lights and pretend I'm in a submarime that's been hit...


49 posted on 06/27/2005 5:26:03 AM PDT by Hatteras
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To: F15Eagle
Steven Wright:

I put on my favorite shirt the other day. But I looked down and saw that I'd lost a button hole.

50 posted on 06/27/2005 5:26:33 AM PDT by acad1228 ("We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid" - Benjamin Franklin)
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