Vanity: Things I learned while watching War of The Worlds (Caution: Possible spoilers).

Me ^ | 7/4/05 | Me

[Larry Lucido]

Caution: Possible spoilers!

.

Things I learned while watching War of the Worlds

1. You can be a master crane operator at a shipyard, but your skills will have absolutely no use during an attack by Martians.

2. If you give your neighborhood mechanic advice on how to fix a car, that car will be the only working car following a Martian attack and will have the keys in it, waiting for you to come along with your kids.

3. No matter how much panic ensues, you and your kids will be able to drive a steady 60 mph, weaving through and around abandoned and overturned cars.

4. Even though you are a crane operator and live in New York where no average person can have a gun, you will just happen to have a snub-nose pistol in a case in your bedroom.

5. If you flee to your ex-wife’s house in Boston, there will be no food anywhere in the house except what you brought from your place.

6. A passenger jetliner can crash around your house and you’ll hardly notice it until the next morning because, for some reason, you decided to sleep in the basement instead of one of the comfortable bedrooms. The engine that landed in the living room won’t collapse the basement. There will be no bodies in any of the seats, since the passengers will have somehow evacuated prior to the crash. Your car will remain unscratched in the driveway, and there will be a clear path for you to drive away.

7. If a crowd of 5000 people pulls you from your car, don’t pull your gun until after they are beating the crap out of you. You’ll still have time to get to it.

8. If you’re getting the crap beat out of you by a crowd of 5000 people, just disengage, step back, fire two shots from your 5 shot revolver in the air, and the entire crowd will back off. They will think you still have 4998 shots left.

9. (Note: Important anti-gun message here). Just because you can hold back a crowd of 5000 people with a revolver you already shot twice, someone with a bigger gun will always get the drop on you, causing you to voluntarily drop your gun on the ground and surrender your car, proving the futility of having a gun in the first place.

10. The person who picked up your gun will blow away the person took your car, proving that, ultimately, guns accomplish nothing.

11. When fleeing attacking Martians, run past a farmhouse. A survivalist will emerge from a cellar with a shotgun, and invite you and your kids (and only you and your kids) to join him. No one else will notice or try to follow you in.

12. A survivalist will be half-deranged but will still be able to philosophize.

13. Martians can send a probe into the cellar you are in, but as long as you stay out of sight, it won’t find you because it can only detect normal light, not heat or infrared. A mirror will confuse it.

14. If the survivalist you’re hiding with gets antsy and starts digging a tunnel to New York, there is no moral dilemma in killing him as long as you have your 7-year-old daughter close her eyes and sing, and you do it behind a closed door.

15. A survivalist will always have a bandolier of hand grenades in his pickup truck passenger compartment. They will come in handy if you and your kid get sucked into an alien spaceship.

16. A superior civilization can plan an invasion for decades, but forget to pack antibiotics for the trip.

[Larry Lucido]

Please add your own.

[Perdogg]

I didn't read your posting and don't spoil anything, but I heard there is something unusual at the end that critics didn't like.

[Larry Lucido]

WOTW ping.

[Larry Lucido]

LOL! I won't spoil it, but I almost missed the end because my wife wanted to walk out. I told her, "Dammit, I paid $13.00 for us to see this crappy movie and, doggone it, we're gonna get our money's worth!"

[DoughtyOne]

17. That heaving tendency for audiences, just after Cruise comes on camera, is not related to Cruise.

[marsh_of_mists]

I suspect I know how it ends; I read the book.

Of course, for all I know the movie is nothing like the book.

[NO_2_CORZINE]

They mention God

[Max Flatow]

I don't plan on seeing the movie, but I will read what others may post. Thanks.

[timpad]

SPOILER ALERT:

In that particular case, it's faithful to the book. Sorry to say.

[Perdogg]

I saw the one that was made in color, it might have been the one in the 50s.

I am so psyched for "Fantastic Four".

I always thought, even as a ten year-old boy, that Sue Storm was hot.

[Perdogg]

It's God or L.Ron Hubbard?

[Larry Lucido]

I never read the book, but if it's faithful to the movie I may not bother.

[timpad]

18. If you throw half a peanut butter sandwich at a window, the side with the peanut butter will hit, perfectly flat, and stick there for, oh, at least two minutes.

[Larry Lucido]

That sounds good. Just heard Mike Chiklis is playing the muscular thing.

[Perdogg]

I am kind disappointed that Alba is playing Sue Storm and the rest of guys are kind of girly-menish, but it will be fun.

To me, Sue was a woman not a teenager.

[vezke]

15. A survivalist will always have a bandolier of hand grenades in his pickup truck passenger compartment.

I thought he found those in an abandoned Army Humvee.

[Names Ash Housewares]

The film is a "re-imagining" of a fifties film that was an update of an 1890's classic book.

The source material is severely watered down.

Spielberg is a cliche of himself now. We cannot view the world through his films without a terrified child emoting to every event for us to empathize with.

The film is about a dysfunctional famliy more then an invasion from another world, or so it seems.

The tripods and red weed are nearly all that remain of the original novel.

It is a big budget FX laden mess. Tom terrific is in nearly every scene so you better love his face.

Where is the HMS Thunderchild of the book? We arent toothless. We bring down invaders in the book. H.G. Wells devoted an entire chapter to the mighty warship Thunderchild afterall.

He could have done this with a modern update or a historically correct version.

Sad.

They got Batman right this year.

I guess I will have to wait decades again before they get War of the Worlds right too.

Why are people more forgiving of mangling sci-fi classics?

If Spielberg mangled shakespeare people would get all upset.

H.G. Wells deserved to have his work brought to us in the best way possible.

I strongly advise viewers of this film to know that this is very little of the book. It is NOT the War of the Worlds to me. It is not what I have read.

The fifites version has endured 50 years because it was a revolutionary interpretation of the book. Amazing FX for its time. And a true war, they used nukes.

This spielberg mess is not revolutionary in any way. It will not endure passed the DVD rentals.

Sorry. This aint it. But I knew it wouldnt be once I read who was doing it. Sad. Pity. Oh well.

Someday the Thunderchild will have her day and Wells work will be presented as it was intended all along.....

[Larry Lucido]

You may be correct. I'm not going back to find out, though. :-)

[dawn53]

A little off topic, but I'm totally disgusted with remakes.

I won't be seeing this movie because I heard it was boring and predictable, and that was from my nephews (age 15 and 17.)

I did think the new Batman movie was interesting, as Batman movies go. They seemed to work a little harder at character development than previous Batman movies.

But when I saw they're remaking Willy Wonka, I could hardly believe it. How can they believe that anybody could match Gene Wilder's performance in the original?

Where is original thought, fresh screenplays (that aren't full of smut for smut's sake)? Why all the remakes, or spin offs like the Honeymooners, Bewitched, Herbie movie, The Longest Yard, Amityville, Flight of the Phoenix, etc? (none of which I bothered to see)

I may be odd one out, but I didn't like any of the "new" Star Wars movies. Lucas should have left well enough alone with the first three, IMHO.

With just a few exceptions, there haven't been any good movies around since last summer. Just my 2 cents.

[Swordmaker]

15. A survivalist will always have a bandolier of hand grenades in his pickup truck passenger compartment. They will come in handy if you and your kid get sucked into an alien spaceship.

I have to disagree here... it was a burned out National Guard HumVee that had rolled down the hill after the massive fire storm destroyed everyone over the hill. Of course, we can now change 15 to read...

15. A bandolier of hand grenades will survive in a burned out HumVee so they can easily be found when a NY Crane Operator needs them because he knows he will be sucked into the anal orifice of a Martian Farm Cultivator after he gets snatched up into a Martian Farm Cultivator's Living Fertalizer Basket and can use them to blow up said Martian Farm Cultivator ... and so on.

[Larry Lucido]

We bring down invaders in the book. H.G. Wells devoted an entire chapter to the mighty warship Thunderchild afterall.

Maybe I will look for the book, then. Or the 50's movie.

[vezke]

19. After watching the ground heave violently upward, people will generally stand around in close proximity and await the arrival of the monster below. Then after seeing the creature lay waste to all people beside them, people will run for short distances, stop and look back.

[Cicero]

I read a lot of science fiction. I wouldn't bother to watch this movie if they gave me a free seat.

[Black Tooth]

The original was many times better than this.

What a waste of film.

With all the money in Hollywood, you'd think they would be able to make a decent science fiction film.

[Names Ash Housewares]

"Maybe I will look for the book, then. Or the 50's movie."

You can read the book right here online.......

http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/warworlds/warw.html

[timpad]

20. EMP from an alien weapon knocks out every single electronic device known to man - except camcorders.

[struwwelpeter]

There was a 'music novel' by Jeff Wayne done on 'War of the Worlds'. Music by Moody Blues, narration by Sir. Richard Burton. Very nice.

It was a real disappointment when Miss Daisy's chauffer started mouthing Richard Burton's lines at the beginning.

[Tax-chick]

12. A survivalist will be half-deranged but will still be able to philosophize.

This is my favorite from your list.

[marsh_of_mists]

You didn't like how the book ended? Did you think it was sort of a cop-out?

[dano1]

" In that particular case, it's faithful to the book. Sorry to say."

Reading the first part of the book has cured me of any desire to see the movie. In the book, entire suburbs are wiped completely out of existence in minutes, but the news doesn't make the London papers the next day.

btw, the book is available online for free here.

[Swordmaker]

6. A passenger jetliner can crash around your house and you’ll hardly notice it until the next morning because, for some reason, you decided to sleep in the basement instead of one of the comfortable bedrooms. The engine that landed in the living room won’t collapse the basement. There will be no bodies in any of the seats, since the passengers will have somehow evacuated prior to the crash. Your car will remain unscratched in the driveway, and there will be a clear path for you to drive away.

Add to it the fact that the Engine's turbo fan is still spinning hours later... slowly, still burning...

Add 6.5:

6.5. A TV News crew videotaped the lightning strikes in the Crane Operator's neighborhood that carried the aliens into their long buried war machines... and their sophisticated electronic equipment survived the EMP when every other piece of sophisticated and unsophisticated electronics was fried by said EMP. THEN, the TV crew just happens to come upon the Crane Operator sixty or so miles away from his neighborhood... conveniently.

PS, the passengers on the plane obviously had been harvested for fertilizer... before the crash...

PPS, cows, pigs, dogs, lions, tigers and bears, are apparently not suitable for collection into Martian Agricultural Cultivator machines for use as fertilizer for icky-red crops, but human beings are... PPPS, People are to be used as fertilizer, but Martians like blowing them to dust as well, instead of collecting them for later planting.

PPPPS, Martians bury their war machines/agricultural cultivators at least hundreds of years before their planned invasion... instead of doing their invasion when they first come. Patient buggers, ain't they. Smart, too.

PPPPPS, Martians just need to go sightseeing in a collapsed basement AND drink from a leaking sewer pipe... and it just happens to be the basement where a survivalist, a NY Crane Operator and his little girl are hiding. I think that if you've seen one collapsed basement, you've seen them all... but then again, these particular Martians might be collapsed basement connoisseurs...

[kenth]

"But when I saw they're remaking Willy Wonka, I could hardly believe it. How can they believe that anybody could match Gene Wilder's performance in the original?"

I couldn't believe it either. Darn, they need to get some new ideas instead of doing bad remakes; especially remakes of movies that are perfect. Seeing Frenchie-boy as Willy Wonka would only piss me off.

[timpad]

You didn't like how the book ended? Did you think it was sort of a cop-out?

SPOILER ALERT No, I liked the book's ending just fine, and this might be hard to explain. In its 19th century context, the book's ending was the only one possible. No weapon extant at that time could have ended the war in human favor. I thought Wells used the new (at that time) germ theory to great effect.

But with this film, in its 21st century context, I would have preferred an ending along the lines of the military use of a bio-weapon, or some such.

That make sense?

[Junior]

Where is the HMS Thunderchild of the book? We arent toothless. We bring down invaders in the book. H.G. Wells devoted an entire chapter to the mighty warship Thunderchild afterall.

The death of HMS Thunderchild is probably one of the most emotionally-riveting parts of the entire book. I've read Wells' version several times, and I've actually gotten teary-eyed at that part.

[Larry Lucido]

Thanks!

[Names Ash Housewares]

"But with this film, in its 21st century context, I would have preferred an ending along the lines of the military use of a bio-weapon, or some such.

That make sense?"


I think there are many creative ways to have been true to the book and make a modern version. But there is the problem "creative". Spielberg was creative once. But he is very far from that young film maker now. You are best at your work when you are hungry I think. He is fat and bloated with sucess and is confortable putting out the same masses pleasing formula junk now.

[beebuster2000]

the crane operator thing baffles me. the first movie shot is close up of cruise riding his little joystick ( i mean the crane's) deftly- coulda sworn he would later use that same skill to pilot an alien somethin or other. but nah- he remains a wimp thruout the movie until the alien sphincter episode. guess the aliens never figured a bunch of guys could pull a human back out of the sphincter!!

its the little things you never plan for that get you.

[PLMerite]

Almost every time I see a movie these days I find myself asking "did they actually *pay* somebody to write this crap?" or just exclaiming "Shoot the Technical Director!"

I understand there is a certain amount of "license" that must be granted, but usually with very little effort they could make things conform to the known laws of physics, etc.

A good reason not to trust Hollyweird types' opinions in other areas.

[timpad]

same masses pleasing formula junk now.

I liked the film, as a summer movie. I got pretty much what I expected, in that this film was more faithful to the '53 movie than the book. Despite my snarkiness on this thread of lists, I'd encourage folks to see it.

That said, I concede your point that Spielberg made this movie with "half his brain tied behind his back (sorry, Rush)", but then, from the business perspective, he pretty much had no choice.

[marsh_of_mists]

Yep.

[BoBToMatoE]

Anyone have any pictures of the aliens or the tripods, i have been trying to find some.

Also, I am thinking about seeing the movie, but it sounds like I probably should wait and rent the DVD.

[warchild9]

People on this forum must be constantly exhausted. They drag tons of their prejudices and paranoias around with them everywhere they go. After reading many of the comments on threads about this movie, seen the movie, and having read the book several times--which I suspect few Freepers and very few reviewers have done, it seems that many Freepers check under their cars every morning for lurking reds/liberals/Rats/insert-cliche-here.

While a good--but not great movie-- WOTW surprised me with some of its messages (that the US military is valiant and self-sacrificial, that an American family will stick together when the real pressure is on, etc.), all of which I expect more from a Stephen King piece than standard Hollywood. But keep in mind that one of the ancestors of this film, Close Encounters, portrayed the military in a good light, as well.

People, you've got to learn to shut off that self-induced paranoia detector and just enjoy the story. There are NOT threatening subliminal messages everywhere. You'll live forever in misery otherwise.

[badpacifist]

I would have paid a little extra to SEE Tim Robbins get killed.

[ReadyNow]

Movies are made by people who think John Kerry has qualifications to be President of the United States.

That explains a lot.

[frankenMonkey]

Nah, go see it. It's just a movie, after all, and quite entertaining. And yes, it has some major gaffes. But the special effects are stunning.

[rbg81]

Aside from the above, the movie had other deep credibility issues, namely:

1. Why would the aliens bury all that hardware millions of years ago to fight humans now? Why not just take the planet then when there was no intelligent life to contend with?

2. Ships that ride lightning down into the ground to get to your buried tripods seems a bit impractical. Why not just land the ships when they invaded (as they did in the book)? Actually this would have eliminated some of the other contradictions in the movie.

3. Didn't the aliens get sick when they visited Earth the first time (to bury their stuff)? Maybe they just forgot.

4. What was the thing with the aliens drinking human blood. Was this their purpose for invading? If so, why needlessly kill so many people?

5. Why did the tripod shields drop when the aliens got sick? Were their power sources organic?

6. How come the aliens blew the crap out of a small town on the Hudson, but Boston was relatively untouched? [Maybe because its full of Liberals?]

My son's theory is that the aliens actually put humans on Earth to "harvest" at some later date. However, people developed an immunity to Earth bacteria while the aliens did not. This would explain a few things, but not everything and the movie made no attempt to offer any explanations.

Good special effects, though.

[meatloaf]

Now that's a spoiler!

[Itzlzha]

Almost every time I see a movie these days I find myself asking "did they actually *pay* somebody to write this crap?" or just exclaiming "Shoot the Technical Director!"

LOL! I agree, and when I see stuff like that, I can't help it... I break into MST3K mode, and MSTie the damn thing!

Sorry to anyone withing earshot, but when I call "Crap"...it's a natural reaction!

"Continuity by (Blank)", usually an "Alan Smithee" type.

[GodBlessRonaldReagan]

I'm with you! The 1953 War of the Worlds was so terrific that any remake is superfluous in my eyes. What's next, a remake of Citizen Kane?

[Drew68]

I heard there is something unusual at the end that critics didn't like.

The part about the end that I noticed...

AND THIS IS NOT REALLY A SPOILER

The scene when the alien's hand (with its suction cup fingers) falls from the tripod was shot identically to the 1953 film. An homage of sorts to the original.