Man commits suicide after learning Harry Potter spoiler

http://www.jewishworldreview.com ^ | Andy Borowitz

[manny613]

A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling opus, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince."

Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, "I no longer have a reason to live."

[manny613]

Not too funny after London yesterday,eh? But I had to post some relief-too much seriousness.

[dts32041]

But it will happen don't you know?

[mlo]

Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, "I no longer have a reason to live."

At least he was right about that.

[Cousin Eddie]

Urban legend? If not, Darwin award winner?

[LIConFem]

Boy, some people really take their Harry Potter seriously!

[cripplecreek]

Is there an intentional category for a Darwin Award?

[TheBigB]

Silly muggle. :^)

[trisham]

Funny. Thanks.

[Reagan79]

You know I remember seeing people dress up for the Harry Potter movies in Lexington, Ky. These adults (yes, adults)were sporting capes and wands. It was too funny! I remember laughing at them to their face. I guess that was a tad mean, but it just amused me so much.

[stm]

[TheForceOfOne]

Sounds like he took a life he never had.

[Allegra]

Nah...it really went like this:

Jude was very curious about the Harry Potter novel so he went to a realiable source to learn the plot and conclusion. He simply could not wait for the book to come out.

The source spilled it and then said "I've told you; now I'm going to have to kill you."

So the source killed him.

This whole suicide thing is just a big cover-up. A conspiracy, I tell ya!

[Sax]

Hocus Pocus, Idiot Croakus.

[knittnmom]

Urban legend? If not, Darwin award winner?

No, just satire from Borowitz

[Melpomene]

Have you seen the clip of Triumph the Insult Dog at some Star Wars premiere? That's funny.

[tx_eggman]

Yo, Jude, OUT OF THE GENE POOL ...

Thank you for your prompt response to this request

[soundandvision]

Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston's death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.

I read this full story KNOWING at some point in it, a relative would demand the government step in and do *something*. Am I psychic or what?

"In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude's life, even if he didn't have one," she said.

"Never underestimate the power of denial."

[Allegra]

Oh...and he also went to a reliable source.

My typing sucks.

;-)

[mware]

Once on a bet I dressed as Captain Hook, when it was playing in a theater near me.

As it turned out I was late for the movie, and walked down the aisle while it was playing. Half a dozen kids wondered if it was part of the movie. The parents seemed to get a hoot out of it.

[Bring Back Old Sparky]

"In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude's life, even if he didn't have one," she said. Indeed.

[reagan_fanatic]

The gene pool just got a little less cloudy.

[JRios1968]

Is there an intentional category for a Darwin Award?

No, in fact, the Darwin Awards will not consider suicides. Click here to see the Darwin Awards site

[NoClones]

DARWIN AWARD WINNER!!

[Ciexyz]

Sadly, it's too late to advise, Get a life.

[Williams]

Uh, dudes, maybe a mass suicide is in order here. I am sure this is a joke article.

[popdonnelly]

Bush did it! ;-)

[Tax-chick]

Chuckle.

Yes, the danger with parody is that the event might have actually happened :-).

[Reagan79]

No I have not seen him at the Star Wars Premiere. But I will say I loved the baseball interview concerning Gore on your about page. It's also quite interesting that you love New Orleans. I am from Gulfport, Ms.

[Ciexyz]

Perhaps you should have posted the tile with "Satire" in it. Some of us believe everything we read on the Net. (!)

[FReepaholic]

Sad. I seem to recall many years ago that a 12 year old killed himself because the original TV series "Battlestar Galactica" was canceled.

[wildwood]

But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help."

this is a joke, right?

let's hope he didn't taint the gene pool by having offspring.

[Cincinatus' Wife]

Is this an urban myth?

[SerpentDove]

Worst...ending...EVER!

[KarlInOhio]

I won't believe it until I see it in Scrappleface.

[HairOfTheDog]

Jeepers... I hope no one posts the spoiler here! Must be bad!

[theFIRMbss]

>Sounds like he took a life he never had

Don't be hard on him.
I killed myself when I learned
about Spock dying . . .

[woofie]

I guess that was the end

[manny613]

thanks -will know for future.

[JenB]

Here's the funny part... there aren't spoilers. Not big ones. It's really weird, this time last time you had to go around with your hands over your ears if you didn't want to learn the big one (I didn't, but it was sadly obvious anyway...). This time, nada, zilch. Nobody's found a copy of the book sitting on the shelves a week early yet. Even the guys who stole a copy and tried to sell it to reporters messed up.

Not very funny satire anyway. There's always book seven to live for.

[Tanniker Smith]

Perhaps you should have posted the tile with "Satire" in it. Some of us believe everything we read on the Net. (!)

Indeed. Then again I still remember an article in The Onion that had many friends scratching their heads and saying, "I know people who could have written. Hell, I could have written that." The article was entitled: When You Are Ready to Have a Mature Discussion About the Green Latern You Have My E-Mail Address

TS

[SpottedBeaver]

I seem to recall many years ago that a 12 year old killed himself because the original TV series "Battlestar Galactica" was canceled.

Oh no... that was me. And it wasn't so much as them canceling the original "Battlestar Galactica", it was what they replaced it with. "Battlestar Galactica 1980". That was enough to drive anyone off a cliff.

[timsbella]

"In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude's life, even if he didn't have one," she said.


There's your sign...

[reagan_fanatic]

Uh, dudes, maybe a mass suicide is in order here. I am sure this is a joke article.

LOL...you have to understand that in the society we live in, ANYTHING is possible, including this!

In any event, I'm sure that Bush had something to do with it.

[Ciexyz]

Sheesh I hope nobody posts the spoilers to the Fantastic Four movie.

[LanaTurnerOverdrive]

It appears that most of the FReepers today don't understand that this is not a real story. Sad, and funny, that they will also miss the irony that they are making fun of the intelligence level of others. To witness this FReeper PHenom just post an Onion article and watch the ensuing confusion.

Thanks for lightening the mood a bit.

[Cousin Eddie]

Ahhh...should have looked at the by-line and read the full article.

[RepubMommy]

How long before the lawsuit against the author is filed?

[Ciexyz]

There's always the new Battlestar Gallactica on the Sci Fi Channel, starring Jamie Bamber and Edward Olmos. (I'm hoping it comes out on DVD soon cause I don't have cable.)

[Finger Monkey]

Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston's death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information

Brilliant!

Yes!

Excellent solution.

Please, Gubment, protect me from myself.

Your adoring idiot,

Bertha

[TexasCajun]

I guess it's a good thing no one told Jude about Santa when he was younger.