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What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers? (Vanity)
July 30, 2005 | Author Unknown

Posted on 07/30/2005 3:45:33 PM PDT by Kaslin

General Motors doesn't have a ''help line'' for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did?

HELPLINE: ''General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?''

CUSTOMER: ''I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!''

HELPLINE: ''Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?''

CUSTOMER: ''What's an ignition?''

HELPLINE: ''It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.''

CUSTOMER: ''Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?''

HELPLINE: ''General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?''

CUSTOMER: ''My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!''

HELPLINE: ''Is the gas tank empty?''

CUSTOMER: ''Huh? How do I know?''

HELPLINE: ''There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?''

CUSTOMER: ''I see an 'E' but no 'F'.''

HELPLINE: ''You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: ''No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: ''A 'V'?!?''

CUSTOMER: ''Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ...''

HELPLINE: ''No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about.''

CUSTOMER: ''That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?''

HELPLINE: ''Yes, among other things.''

CUSTOMER: ''The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?''

HELPLINE: ''It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.''

CUSTOMER: ''What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!''

HELPLINE: ''General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?''

CUSTOMER: ''Your cars suck!''

HELPLINE: ''What's wrong?''

CUSTOMER: ''It crashed, that's what went wrong!''

HELPLINE: ''What were you doing?''

CUSTOMER: ''I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!''

HELPLINE: ''I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product.''

CUSTOMER: ''Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed.''

HELPLINE: ''Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?''

CUSTOMER: ''What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!''

HELPLINE: ''Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?''

CUSTOMER: ''Huh! How do you do THAT?''

HELPLINE: ''You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.''

CUSTOMER: ''Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know.''

HELPLINE: ''Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?''

CUSTOMER: ''I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!''


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons; Technical
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 07/30/2005 3:45:33 PM PDT by Kaslin
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To: Kaslin

old as dirt, but still just as funny.


2 posted on 07/30/2005 3:49:15 PM PDT by Asphalt (Join my NFL ping list! FReepmail me| The best things in life aren't things)
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To: Kaslin

Wow, that was awesome. As someone who has worked in PC support, I can attest that this is a very good analogy.


3 posted on 07/30/2005 3:51:32 PM PDT by thecabal
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To: Kaslin

Thanks. I've done a lot of computer tech support, and I'd never seen this one. LOL.


4 posted on 07/30/2005 3:52:15 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: Kaslin

That one is as old as Helen Thomas's grandmother.

Have you been warned about the GOOD TIMES virus?


5 posted on 07/30/2005 3:54:00 PM PDT by ElkGroveDan (I'm sick and tired of being sicked and tired!)
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To: Kaslin

This is too funny and too true.

I once "fixed" a friends stereo receiver that wouldn't work by plugging it into to the wall electrical outlet. She had it plugged into the back of itself in one of the accessory outlets. Swear to God.


6 posted on 07/30/2005 3:54:25 PM PDT by garyhope (The Islamofascists want Western civilization dead. Simple as that.)
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To: Kaslin
What an CAR? :D
7 posted on 07/30/2005 3:56:26 PM PDT by skinkinthegrass (Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you :^)
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To: Kaslin

This may be as old as sin, but it's going on the bulletin board at work on Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!


8 posted on 07/30/2005 3:57:44 PM PDT by nhoward14
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To: thecabal
Wow, that was awesome. As someone who has worked in PC support, I can attest that this is a very good analogy.

I work a hospital IT help desk on midnights. I would classify these mythical "GM help desk callers" as rocket scientists compared to the real (?) people I have to deal with.

9 posted on 07/30/2005 3:58:40 PM PDT by 300winmag (FR's Hobbit Hole supports America's troops)
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To: Asphalt

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the Computer industry with the auto industry and
stated:

"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road you would
have to buy a new car.

3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close
all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the
windows before you could continue. For some reason you would accept this.

4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person at a time could use the car unless you
bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.

6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
only run on five percent of the roads.

7) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning
light.

8) New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9) The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11) GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary) even though
they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50%
or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12) Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have
to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.

13) You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn off the
engine.


10 posted on 07/30/2005 3:59:30 PM PDT by Lokibob (All typos and spelling errors are mine and copyrighted!!!!)
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To: garyhope

Would that be a input output proplem or like a dog chasing its tail

I worked with a guy that fixed a extension cord once and he put two male ends on it and pluged one end in went to the other end and shocked the wee wee out of him self


11 posted on 07/30/2005 3:59:31 PM PDT by al baby (Father of the Beeber)
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To: garyhope
I once had to troubleshoot a server power problem over the phone, at 2am. The power flat out would not come on. They said that it was working fine, and then it just died. It took about 20 minutes to get them to tell the truth; the janitor had unplugged it to use the outlet for a floor buffer. THAT is when they plugged it in, and it worked for awhile, and quit.

After having them trace the cables, I found out that the server was plugged into the UPS, which was plugged into the power strip, which was plugged into the UPS. At no point was it ever actually plugged into a wall outlet.

12 posted on 07/30/2005 4:00:52 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: Kaslin

I'll get back to you as soon as I find the "any" key.


13 posted on 07/30/2005 4:02:41 PM PDT by bad company (Sam Brownback '08)
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To: Kaslin
LOL I used to run a helpdesk.. got a LOT of things like this. My favorite was a woman who called about her computer crashing. I went up and looked, it was crashed alright. I asked her what it was doing before hand. She said the harddrive was making noise.... so she kicked the machine to shut it up!

And this was at a place where the average end user was an engineer!!

14 posted on 07/30/2005 4:08:54 PM PDT by AFreeBird (your mileage may vary)
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To: bad company
I'll get back to you as soon as I find the "any" key.

LOL. I was doing an on-site upgrade for one of our customers, and they had a half-dozen or so computers on the network. As I was hooking up the new machines, I glanced at the keyboards of the existing machines. I was trying really hard not to laugh, but finally had to leave the room.

Once I had recovered and came back into the room, my boss whispered to me "would you like to share it with me", and I could tell that she was angry. I pointed to the keyboards: on every keyboard, on every spacebar, in fat black marker ink, was the word "ANY".

It was her turn to leave the room...

15 posted on 07/30/2005 4:10:58 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: thecabal

Am embarrassed to admit this, but when I bought my first laptop, I couldn't get sound. I'd gotten the RealPlayer up to play something, and thought I could use the sound button on it to hear. I called tech support to find out why I couldn't get sound, and he mentioned the "volume" button on the side of my laptop. I said "volume button? You mean there's a volume button?"

Maybe it was you I talked to! Whoever it was, I'll bet I was the lead-off story at the dinner table later that night.


16 posted on 07/30/2005 4:11:57 PM PDT by Theresawithanh (As long as Dean's the head of the D-N-C, it just looks better for the G-O-P!!)
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To: 300winmag

I remember being told once by a computer genius (CG) that he installed a new system for a CFO. The next morning the CFO called to tell him the system was dead in the water.

The CG told the CFO to look behind the desk to see if the system was plugged in. The CFO chewed him out for 15 minutes. When the tirade ran down the CG said, Ok, now will you look. When the CFO returned to the desk, there were profuse apologies. CG built that little episode into his next five billings.


17 posted on 07/30/2005 4:13:19 PM PDT by mlmr (CHICKIE-POO!)
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To: 300winmag
rocket scientists compared to the real (?) people I have to deal with.

You're not kidding. I work in an office where I've been trying to get people up to speed for over 10 years. I'll explain and demonstrate a procedure time after time after time. Makes no difference, the next time it happens, they're still helpless and clueless. If there's an upside, it's that I've become indispensable, the one person with sight in a kingdom of the blind.

One associate, despite repeated instructions on "how to", insisted on adding columns of numbers in a spreadsheet on her calculator and then inserting the result in the total cell.

18 posted on 07/30/2005 4:17:49 PM PDT by DeFault User
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To: Lokibob

Well, apparently the last 'Start to shut down' comment came from someone totally ignorant.

The logic is to 'Start the Shutdown Program'.

Jes'...some people.

MOOOOVVVVE!!!!!!


19 posted on 07/30/2005 4:21:36 PM PDT by JustAnotherOkie
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To: DeFault User
One associate, despite repeated instructions on "how to", insisted on adding columns of numbers in a spreadsheet on her calculator and then inserting the result in the total cell.

A friend of mine works in federal law enforcement, and they all have to enter their time into an Excel spreadsheet. Unfortunately, they hired a new "accountant" and she didn't understand what the formulas were for, or she got scared when numbers changed automatically, or whatever, so she painstakingly deleted all of the formulas for all of the cells. Now, everybody (thousands of people) has to do each and every calculation by hand.

20 posted on 07/30/2005 4:31:40 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: JustAnotherOkie

So, following that logic, the "cancel" button is really the "shut down the shutdown program". Wonder why they didn't call it that?


21 posted on 07/30/2005 4:37:20 PM PDT by Lokibob (All typos and spelling errors are mine and copyrighted!!!!)
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To: 300winmag
I work a hospital IT help desk on midnights. I would classify these mythical "GM help desk callers" as rocket scientists compared to the real (?) people I have to deal with.

That is very true. I had to support real estate agents on a very specialized product that was "make-or-break" for their business. You could probably guess that most of these folks did not have one iota of technical aptitude in thier bodies and that they had extreme type-A personalites. It was not uncommon to have an agent a day screaming or having a nervous breakdown because we supposedly cost them the sale of a $1,000,000 home (it was always the million dollar house, not the little fixer-upper, LOL). Truth is, 99.9% of the time, they cost themselves the sale because they could not be bothered to follow very simple instructions before going out in the field.

22 posted on 07/30/2005 4:40:01 PM PDT by thecabal
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To: thecabal
Really? What's the pay? :-)

Could you talk the administrators into hiring some consultants?

Cheers!

23 posted on 07/30/2005 4:43:55 PM PDT by grey_whiskers (The opinions are solely those of the author and are subject to change without notice.)
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To: Kaslin
I'll see your bet, and raise you a vanity.
24 posted on 07/30/2005 4:51:00 PM PDT by grey_whiskers (The opinions are solely those of the author and are subject to change without notice.)
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To: AFreeBird
so she kicked the machine to shut it up!

Made in Russia, made in USA, this is how we fix things. "Armageddon"

25 posted on 07/30/2005 4:57:12 PM PDT by jwh_Denver (Never a need to sell the French a lie, they'll pay for it.)
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To: Kaslin

I wish to blazes you could buy a car like you buy computers.

I'd go to CarUSA, select the model of my choice with a fixed price I found acceptable, apply my corporate 10 percent discount, mail away for my rebate, and drive away.


26 posted on 07/30/2005 7:11:22 PM PDT by Tangerine Time Machine (Orange you glad it's not a lemon?)
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To: mlmr
The CG told the CFO to look behind the desk to see if the system was plugged in. The CFO chewed him out for 15 minutes. When the tirade ran down the CG said, Ok, now will you look. When the CFO returned to the desk, there were profuse apologies.

I've never gotten apologies for that. I've had people call, saying "there are no lights on my computer". I ask if the power is turned on. then hear a loud click as the phone is slammed down on the receiver.

They can hang up on me, but they still know that I know that they know that they forgot to turn it on.

27 posted on 07/30/2005 9:58:18 PM PDT by 300winmag (FR's Hobbit Hole supports America's troops)
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To: Lokibob
Not on topic but the topic reminded me of this intertesting exchange.

If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty, and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United

28 posted on 07/31/2005 7:35:02 AM PDT by MosesKnows
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