Posted on 07/30/2005 3:45:33 PM PDT by Kaslin
General Motors doesn't have a ''help line'' for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did?
HELPLINE: ''General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?''
CUSTOMER: ''I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!''
HELPLINE: ''Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?''
CUSTOMER: ''What's an ignition?''
HELPLINE: ''It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.''
CUSTOMER: ''Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?''
HELPLINE: ''General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?''
CUSTOMER: ''My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!''
HELPLINE: ''Is the gas tank empty?''
CUSTOMER: ''Huh? How do I know?''
HELPLINE: ''There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?''
CUSTOMER: ''I see an 'E' but no 'F'.''
HELPLINE: ''You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: ''No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: ''A 'V'?!?''
CUSTOMER: ''Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ...''
HELPLINE: ''No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about.''
CUSTOMER: ''That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?''
HELPLINE: ''Yes, among other things.''
CUSTOMER: ''The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?''
HELPLINE: ''It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.''
CUSTOMER: ''What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!''
HELPLINE: ''General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?''
CUSTOMER: ''Your cars suck!''
HELPLINE: ''What's wrong?''
CUSTOMER: ''It crashed, that's what went wrong!''
HELPLINE: ''What were you doing?''
CUSTOMER: ''I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!''
HELPLINE: ''I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product.''
CUSTOMER: ''Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed.''
HELPLINE: ''Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?''
CUSTOMER: ''What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!''
HELPLINE: ''Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?''
CUSTOMER: ''Huh! How do you do THAT?''
HELPLINE: ''You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.''
CUSTOMER: ''Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know.''
HELPLINE: ''Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?''
CUSTOMER: ''I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!''
So, following that logic, the "cancel" button is really the "shut down the shutdown program". Wonder why they didn't call it that?
That is very true. I had to support real estate agents on a very specialized product that was "make-or-break" for their business. You could probably guess that most of these folks did not have one iota of technical aptitude in thier bodies and that they had extreme type-A personalites. It was not uncommon to have an agent a day screaming or having a nervous breakdown because we supposedly cost them the sale of a $1,000,000 home (it was always the million dollar house, not the little fixer-upper, LOL). Truth is, 99.9% of the time, they cost themselves the sale because they could not be bothered to follow very simple instructions before going out in the field.
Could you talk the administrators into hiring some consultants?
Cheers!
Made in Russia, made in USA, this is how we fix things. "Armageddon"
I wish to blazes you could buy a car like you buy computers.
I'd go to CarUSA, select the model of my choice with a fixed price I found acceptable, apply my corporate 10 percent discount, mail away for my rebate, and drive away.
I've never gotten apologies for that. I've had people call, saying "there are no lights on my computer". I ask if the power is turned on. then hear a loud click as the phone is slammed down on the receiver.
They can hang up on me, but they still know that I know that they know that they forgot to turn it on.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty, and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United
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