French History of Warfare

AlbinoBlacksheep ^

[Jeff Chandler]

 The Complete Military History of France

***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.

We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

[LIConFem]

[ukman]

Ah, you've French ancestors? Well, according to most FR posters they'd have surrendered immediately to those stalwart British yeomen...
If you have a French name, you find it more congenial in Europe instead. Better food, MUCH better beer, nicer weather, and nobody criticises if you don't have gleaming white and unnatural plastic-looking teeth. I myself always look in women for the yellowish teeth that indicate a fellow excessive tea-drinker...

[joebuck]

There was a computer video game a couple of years ago called Armed and Dangerous. It was a shooter but also pretty funny. You have three goofy teammates who follow you around fighting with you. At one point in the game you are surrounded by bad guys with no way out. At that point the goofiest member of your squad says, "Don't worry I'll handle it." The guy then starts doing the Obi Wan Kenobi Jedi mind tricks and tells all of the bad guys they are french. The bad guys surrounding you immediately surrender and go fleeing in panic, allowing you to advance to the next level. It was hilarious, a great moment in PC gaming.

[Plutarch]

Hey, it was the Franks such as Charles “The Hammer” Martel that drove the Moors back down beyond the Pyrenees. We definitely owe the French on that one.

[Professional Engineer]

...leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

ROFLOL

[ZULU]

This is sort of funny. But a bit misleading.

A bunch of Italians called the Romans kicked the butts of just about everybody in Europe and adjoining Asia and Africa for several hundred years.

Charlemagne was not really a Frenchman - he was a German - a Frank. And he kicked the Islamic butts, beat the pagan Saxons in several campaigns - forcibly making them Christians and wiped out the Magyars - a not inconsiderable feat. He was referred to as "Iron Charles"
for good reason. And if you called him Charles instead of Karl, he probably would have laughed his silent laugh and cut your head off with his own sword.

At one time the Gauls of France were a much feared enemy and kicked Roman and German butts. But they wound up wasting too much time changing their minds and fighting among themselves. But then, again, they were not really "French".

During the Thirty Years War, the French, led by a Catholic Cardinal no less, pumped money into the Holy Roman Empire (modern Germany and Central Europe) which was really fighting a civil war between the Catholics and Protestants. When it looked like the Catholics were winning, the French paid money to the Protestants, and vice-versa. The reason? To keep a united Germany from potentially threatening them and to keep Germans killing each other. The result? Horrific civilian casualties and a disunited Germany until Bismarck came along in the mid 1800s and kicked the French butts, taking back Alsace Lorraine - a German Territory - which the French had stolen a couple of centuries earlier. MOst unfortunately, we gave Alsace Lorraine back to the French after WW1 and again after WW2.

This would have been funnier were it more accurate historically.

The French are not really the laughing stock we try to make them out to be. Their history has been a mixed one, and under another Italian, a Corsican, Napoleone Buonaparte (his real name), they produced the first modern megalomanical dictaroship which threatened the stability and security of all of Europe, and even were a threat to us.

Read "France's War Against America" a new book which covers the entire sordid history of Frnech prefidy and violence against America from the French and Indian Wars (1689-1763) up to the present. It is most revealing.

[ZULU]

Charles the Hammer was a Frank, not a Frenchman. Like most Franks he spoke a Germanic language as the Franks, like the Anglo-Saxons were a Germanic people.

[Plutarch]

Charles the Hammer was a Frank, not a Frenchman. Like most Franks he spoke a Germanic language as the Franks, like the Anglo-Saxons were a Germanic people.

Yeah, but the Franks became the French.

[investigateworld]

God bless the UK for it's steadfast position when holding out alone against Hitler and Company.
Truly, great moment in history that no nation will ever do again.

[ZULU]

Well, the Franks degenerated into Frenchmen when they intermarried with the mixed Romano-Gallic population there, along with other Germanic tribes that moved through like the Burgundians and Visigoths.

The ruling classes - the nobility of the sword - were descended for the most part from these warlike Germanic invaders. Later on, there was some degree of upward social mobility as a merchant class developed and titles of nobility were eventually sold for cash instead of earned through birth and/or merit (nobility of the pen).

The pathetic passive behavior of western Europeans today, I believe, is grounded in four phenonmena: the removal of power to the lower classes from the more warlike aristocracy, the degeneration of the aristocracy from a warrior class by intermarriage with lower classes, the emigration of the more industrious and aggressive elements of the lower and middle classes to America, Australia, etc., and the high attrition rate over time among the more warlike and aggressive elements of society in the many wars fought in Europe and elsewhere.

Todays Italians, French, Swedes, Hungarians, and English for instance bear little resemblance to their respective Roman, Frankish, Viking, Magyar, or Anglo-Saxon forebearers. I believe the capacity for aggression and violence is a hereditary trait, altough it can be modified to one degree or other by culture and society.

As many wars are fought by a people, those individuals with these aggressive genetic markers tend to die at a higher rate than other people simply because they fight harder and are subject to a greater mortality rate.

Eventually the aggression is sort of "bred out" by a higher survival rate among the less aggressive individuals.

A comparable example is found among animals with formidable fighting equipment. In battles between males for a mate, there is a tendency for ritual behavior involving display to replace actual physical confrontation. Real battle is too costly from a genetic perpsective in such cases as it results in a higher death rate, thus selecting for those individuals who appear larger and more formidable, but are not necessarily more physically aggressive. The latter are more succeessful at passing on their genes than creatures which have a greater tendency to fight and kill their oponents. Not an exact analogy, but close enough to give the picture of what I'm thinking.

At any rate, those are my thoughts and that's something I've wondered about for a long time.

Ask the average American guy today to pick up a rifled musket and advance across an open field into a hail of minie balls and he'll look at you like you have two heads.

Yet thousands and thousands of American boys did just that for five long years a few centuries ago.

[ZULU]

I think British women are most attractive, certainly more so than the French. Spanish, Italian, German, Irish and Scandinavian women are right up there with British women. But French women - ugh!

On the other hand, there is a strong connection between the British ruling classes and the French - or rather the Norman-French which are a special breed anyway.

When the Muslims spoke in terror of the Crusading "Franks" they were speaking as much of the warrior class of Britain at the time as of the Normans and other Frenchmen.

[ZULU]

Perhaps, but he gave the rest of Europe a run for their money.

[Kenny Bunk]

Foreigner!

Jeez, don't be so sensitive. I just hate it when you foreigners get your historical facts wrong. Next thing you'll be telling me is that the Brits had something to do with the Atomic Bomb, or developing Aircraft Carrier Technology, when everyone knows that the same country which exported Morris Minors could not possibly have been involved with stuff like that.

Say, now that Americans have improved international communications so much, with our satellites and all, maybe we could drop the UK a line before we get involved in another world war. You know, get you in early next time.

[The Grammarian]

This is a nationalist website? I thought it was just conservative.

I would argue that it is a nationalist website as well. American conservatives tend to be nationalists by definition ("loyalty and devotion to one's country"; though not necessarily exalting America above other countries, there is some of that on this site too).

I have to say, apparently the only people who have looked at this anti-French thread so far must be the ones with a sense of humor. I was expecting a bit more of a flame war.

[The Grammarian]

The best thing that can be said about French women is that Corsican women are pretty good-looking. Case in point: Laetitia Casta.

[dvwjr]

Wait, wait!

You forgot one. This war is one the US did (and won) without foreign assistance...


The 1956 Suez Canal War.

The United Kingdom, France and Israel decided to contest Egypt's nationalization of the Suez Canal through military action by invading Egypt. You know, aircraft carriers, sea-borne landings, helicopter landings, etc against the military superpower of Egypt by the Anglo-Franco-Israeli forces.

The United States under "Ike" said "Get out".

Y'all skeddaddled right pronto. The US won without a single casuality. Another happy result, the Empire ended and the delusion that Britain was in the ranks of the leading powers of the day was terminated.


dvwjr

[billnaz]

I can't help but notice that the unit of the French army best known for tenacity and skill in combat has no Frenchmen.

[investigateworld]

I've tramped all over Europe and the women of the Brittany and Normandy regions are beautiful, and even come close to the ladies of the UK. But Texas, here in the good old USA are still the finest.

[ukman]

There are pretty and ugly, fat and thin, nice and nasty in all countries. I have known English girls with good teeth, fat French girls, dumpy Scandinavians and the other way round too. All generalisations are incorrect (including this one)...

[ukman]

The hovercraft, jump jet and TV are also British inventions. However we're arguing still whether the Germans beat us to the TV (they certainly had earlier broadcasting). However, the Germas invented the car, no disputing that. Your're right, aircraft carriers were a British idea (in WWI).