Chicks dig tough guys ...
Posted on 08/16/2005 6:20:44 PM PDT by Hand em their arse
The Retrosexual Code
OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The Code:
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods).
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.
Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc.etc.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
bump
I now have a NEW title to go with "old fashioned" and "relic".
That covers it all!
I like this. Very much.
BRRRAAAAPPP!.... What?
A Retrosexual understands that you walk on the street side of a lady to protect her from debris thrown by passing vehicles, you go down stairs in front of a lady to provide a support in case she stumbles and you allow her to go upstairs first to be polite and for the obvious reasons.
The metrosexual movement lasted almost a full 15 minutes.
"Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement."
I just rearanged my nuts then farted instead. BTW completely agree and if that makes me a redneck then, FINE.
Manly man *urp* ping!
Retrosexuals, a.k.a. Alpha Males, are wonderful creatures. I'm proud to be married to one.
I agree with everything, including the Hot Topic part.
I'm not about to give up shopping Lip Service, though. ;)
That is funny about paying for the date no matter what. If the female pays it throws off the dynamic in a way that isn't best for either one of you.
I can agree with almost all of it.....except the crying in movies part.......Unfortunately, Field of Dreams will get me every time.
Say allo ta my little friend!
Pinging his friends with a politely subdued, yet manly, retrosexual flatus for emphasis...
A.A.C.
"Making America safe for MEN once more"
I guess that..."I was retro, when retro wasn't cool"
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you're still chasing after women at 90 I am your student.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title or Jane Fonda or Michael Moore in the credits.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city and state across the country, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any John Wayne movie, A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt, 2nd Lts' are considered chillen and needing adult supervision)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thanks them for serving their country.
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, write a sonnet, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, solve equations, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." Robert Heinlein
"When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face."
This was the one that got me.... I'm 37yrs. old and I will always, ALWAYS offer my seat to any woman that boards a train, a bus, whatever it may be... The only difference that I see is that many of the (ahem) "men" still in their seats are older, and in many cases quite a bit older than I am... So for that reason, I shoot a "You Punks, Sir..." look in their direction...
That pretty much says it.
A Retrosexual doesn't schedule a doctor's appointment every time he has a gas bubble.....it's amazing what a couple of aspirin and a swig of Pepto Bismol will do.
Uh-oh. I love James Bond movies, and I am hoping to find a nice retrosexual man to watch them with me.
Priceless - this will be all over the net tomorrow!!!
:)
This all applies to me except I have a clip-on tie, and often scratch places besides my butt.
I understand all of this BUT what is a retrosexual woman like? What forces drive her?
I will say that anyone who doesn't get a little bit teary at the end of "Old Yeller" is no friend of mine. ;o)
I love you. Marry me.
"NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thanks them for serving their country."
"He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner..."
The two reasons I may be only 95% Retro would be when thanking the person in military dress for what they do to keep me free and safe, or whenever I hear The Star-Spangled Banner, be it at Yankee Stadium or my son's Cub Scout meeting, it's for certain that you will find me with a tear(s) in my eye...
http://members.cox.net/rlhtribute/
This site is dedicated to Robert L. Howard, one of America's most decorated soldiers. He served five tours in Vietnam and is the only soldier in our nation's history to be nominated for the Congressional Medal of Honor three times for three separate actions within a thirteen month period. Although it can only be awarded once to an individual, men who served with him said he deserved all three. He received a direct appointment from Master Sergeant to 1st Lieutenant in 1969, and was awarded the Medal of Honor by President Richard M. Nixon at the White House in 1971. His other awards for valor include the Distinguished Service Cross - our nation's second highest award, the Silver Star - the third highest award, and numerous lesser decorations including eight Purple Hearts. He received his decorations for valor for actions while serving as an NCO (Sergeant First Class).
See you can get around that by training yourself to get a slight lump in your throat for those times. Then you can keep the code of men.
'.....it's amazing what a couple of aspirin and a swig of Pepto Bismol will do..."
Agreed! That, or having the testicular fortitude to just plain "tough it out"... : )
oh yeah, and a retro-sexual doesn't put smileys on the end of his posts, so scratch that smiley...
You'll see right through the "I got something in my eye" line, huh??
Aw, c'mon, man!
I may need to consult on this one with my good friend, Onyx, with regards to this request... However, I can assure you I will give it my best shot and post when finished, sound good?
I didn't like the part about saying you need to know how to kill stuff and people...IF NEED BE.
How about, just you should know how to kill stuff and people. Period.
Heh heh, great!!!!! I will be looking forward to the post!
Wanna know when I get misty - eyed and choked up?
Every time I see Moses lift that musket and say...."Out of my COLD DEAD HANDS!"
I know one of you savvy computer types has the picture. Let's see it.
I can take it. I'll have a hanky ready.
I've never met a woman who liked Fight Club or who wouldn't get very angry with you for talking her into seeing it. Fight Club is definitely a man's movie. True, women tend to like Brad but he's made several movies that are not for women. Fight Club, 12 Monkeys, Snatch, for instance.
You understand that we are all breaking the First Rule of Fight Club here...
ping
Freepmail Incoming...
Oh no no no... Not me "BigB", my lips have been sealed!
>PAYS FOR THE DATE.
HA HA!! 50-50, take it or leave it.
>opens doors for a lady.
She wanted equal rights, she got 'em. Open it yourself, little girl.
>doesn't worry about living to be 90 ...
I see far more liberals drinking and smoking than anybody. Ask Peter Jennings how great it is.
>does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
I think you mean ANY age.
>watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
Watches no TV, period.
>A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress...
Nay. Under no circumstance do you go to psychiatrists; instead go to friends, family, or God.
>knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear,
Don't trash "fear". It's done me good.
>Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to)....
No, you may not cry - you must always be an Englishman. Who wrote this crap?
>When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman...
Not unless I had something to do with that pregnancy.
>A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.
But you're giving up your seat for her, opening doors, and paying her bills?
>A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
No, don't need that. I'm already a nationalist, with or without any symbolism.
>A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt)
Retros don't even ride the bus! They drive. And I wouldn't discriminate between officers or enlisted if I did. That's real tacky.
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