Skip to comments.Most awful movies (in celebration of Hollywood's fourth declining revenue year in a row)
Posted on 09/28/2005 9:11:34 AM PDT by pabianice
Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.
So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification won numerous awards in Europe
Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen
"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense
War of the Worlds (2005) This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (Soilent Red is People!); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior
"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!
Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds
"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots
Special Category What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: A Few Good Men Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: Im a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch! Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessups level
With all due respect, if you let that one, admittedly gratuitous and wrongheaded point, mar an otherwise good movie, I think you've gotten too picky.
I couldn't agree more. ARCHTYPICAL Lousy Movie.
Also getting my vote is any flick with Jeremy Irons in it.
ARCHTYPICAL = ARCHETYPICAL
September has actually been smokin. Higher grosses then recent Septembers.
Class 3: AI (Artificial Intelligence) The worst movie ever made. I've never been so depressed after watching a "movie."
Class Two: Mars Attacks, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Can't Stop the Music (the last one only because I kept waiting for it to get cheesier).
Class Three: Krippendorf's Tribe, Broken Arrow, Young Einstein
The "War of the Worlds" remake was a big hit, while the superb "The Great Raid" bombed.
C'mon! You didn't like Irons' creepy performance in Reversal of Fortune?
There were actually sequals?
WOTW was also superb though.
All time worst: Less than Zero, followed closely by Sid and Nancy.
Sid and Nancy certainly had the courage of its convictions though.
This class includes all movies given a four-star rating by the movie reviews at the Philadelphia Inquirer, epitomized by 1991's Europa.
Which reminds me, what was that movie with Tippie Hedren and a young Don Johnson where Tippie runs some bizarre sex therapy clinic/cult?
Also from that era: How could I have forgotten Myra Breckenridge (even a hottie like Raquel couldn't save a film with Rex Reed). Wild in the Streets at least mocked the hippies.
Oliver Stone movies deserve a category listing here.