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Children of Divorce - New Study Explores the Nasty Effects
ZENIT News ^ | 10/15/05

Posted on 10/15/2005 6:41:32 PM PDT by madprof98

CHICAGO, OCT. 15, 2005 (Zenit.org).- A quarter of U.S. adults ages 18 to 35 have grown up in divorced families. The impact of divorce on them is the subject of a new book, "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce" (Crown Publishers).

Author Elizabeth Marquardt surveyed 1,500 young adults from both divorced and intact families, and conducted in-depth interviews with more than 70 of them. Her conclusion: "While divorce is sometimes necessary, there is no such thing as a good divorce."

Marquardt acknowledges that children in high-conflict marriages, or in situations where there is violence, benefit from divorce. Such cases, however, involve only around one-third of divorces, and the children of the other low-conflict marriages fare worse after divorce. And, while noting that most parents take seriously the decision to divorce, Marquardt urges them to try even harder to preserve their marriages, given the costs involved for their children.

Even if a divorce is amicable, and the couple maintains a good relationship after separating, and even if they continue to love and care for the children, this does not eliminate "the radical restructuring of the child's universe," the author contends.

The moment when parents split is only the start of this restructuring. Around two-thirds of the children of divorce surveyed by Marquardt say they felt they grew up in two families, not one. Growing up in two worlds creates a whole series of problems, starting with the fact that both parents are no longer "insiders," or a part of the family.

Parallel worlds

In marriage, Marquardt explains, parents often have differences, but they work together to bridge them and they manage to give family life a unity. But a divorce often encourages the former spouses to define themselves in opposition to each other. Hence the beliefs and values of the two parents, instead of achieving an equilibrium, exist in parallel, creating contrasts and conflicts, rather than unity, for the children.

After the split, the conflict between former spouses may no longer be open, but the conflict between their two worlds is still very much alive, Marquardt observes. A child in a united family, by contrast, does not have to spend so much time and effort in reconciling the differences between parents, and can concentrate on enjoying daily life.

Thus, children of divorced couples are forced to enter into an adult world of responsibilities and worries at a young age. Marquardt's survey revealed that even among those children whose parents had managed their divorce well (in terms of reducing the impact on the kids) around half agreed that they always felt like an adult, even when they were young. This proportion reached two-thirds among children whose parents' divorces were more problematic.

Following a divorce, many of the children felt they had a responsibility to protect their mothers, and a substantial number had to take on greater duties in caring for their siblings. This also happens in families where a parent dies or is seriously ill; the difference with divorce is that the children know it comes about as a result of a voluntary choice on the part of at least one parent.

The way in which a divorce comes about also often wounds children, recounts Marquardt. In an ideal situation, the parents would gather the children together and carefully explain everything, and reassure them about the future. Yet, the breakup of a marriage is often messy and chaotic, making it difficult for the parents to organize well the initial announcement to their children, the author reports.

Moreover, the adults are often vulnerable and in grief or shock. It can be hard for children to see their parents in this situation. And it also means that just when the children are in need of comfort they are less able to turn to their parents for support.

Further problems arise in the post-divorce period, when children have to deal with the conflicts and criticisms between the former spouses. The young adults who grew up in divorced families told Marquardt how they felt obliged to be careful what they said to each parent about the other. Such information could lead to hurt feelings or trigger criticisms about the other parent.

Forging values

Notably, Marquardt's book focuses on the impact of divorce on the moral lives of children. The children feel conflict as they experience different values and ways of life in each parent's separate household. The result is that the children now have to forge their own values and beliefs, the author contends.

Normally, children absorb their parents' values in a natural and gradual process, without having to make a conscious effort. Clearly, there are often differences between parents, but on the whole the children see their parents' values as complementary. And the parents normally work together, backing up each other's authority.

But the young adults studied by Marquardt rarely thought of their parents' values as unified. Differences on small matters such as household routines or disciplinary norms, or more important subjects such as moral values and ambitions for their children, grow wider after divorce. This leaves the children confused, and faced with the task of having to construct their own values in the midst of this conflict.

The differences between the two households means more that just an uncomfortable social situation, where we don't want to offend someone, Marquardt comments. The conflicts are between the two most important people in a child's life -- and these crossed signals go to the heart of a child's identity.

One consequence is that of the children interviewed, 24% of those from divorced families say they do not share the similar moral values with their fathers. And 17% felt the same about their mothers. This compares with children from intact families, where only 6% say they do not share similar values with their parents.

Asked about where they got their sense of right and wrong, children of divorce will name mothers, but rarely fathers. Requiring such children to forge their own values, Marquardt concludes, might help to explain why they have higher rates of problems such as substance abuse, teen pregnancy and delinquency.

Another finding of the study is that today's young adult children of divorce are less religious overall than their peers from intact families. Sometimes the suffering caused by their parents' divorce leads them to question their belief in God. Others are motivated to seek answers to their doubts in religious faith, but the process can be a struggle.

Overall, the young adults from divorced families are less likely to feel religious or to practice their faith as those from intact families. They are also more likely to doubt the sincerity of their parents' faith.

Marquardt concludes by observing that children require strong, lasting marriages in order to have the secure home they need while growing up. They are not like property that can be divided, but need love, stability and moral guidance. This means making changes to our thinking about marriages. Parents, she pleads, must not just love their children but must also love and forgive each other, to sustain families that last a lifetime.


TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: divorce; psychology
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To: NoControllingLegalAuthority

I never said that most of the divorces are a result of the situation I described....I am sure that most divorces are not the result of such an extreme situation..my point was, that one cannot and should not make a blanket statement that staying together is always better than getting a divorce...in some cases, such I as describe, I think that people can agree, divorce was the better choice...


41 posted on 10/15/2005 8:21:56 PM PDT by andysandmikesmom
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To: Tax-chick

And why do divorce people always marry the same type of person. They say the problem was spousal abuse, drug addiction,or promiscuous infidelity and then they are still attracted to that sort. Sometimes the spouse who doesn't do anything wrong is a co-dependent.


42 posted on 10/15/2005 8:47:56 PM PDT by tbird5
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To: madprof98

I don't know if you can take a general statement, "most kids" , and make it specific to a particular kid. There are miserable kids from intact homes and wonderful kids from miserable non intact homes.


43 posted on 10/15/2005 8:51:27 PM PDT by cajungirl (no)
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To: ncdrumr

When I was divorced, my kids were 9 and 4. Their mother and I divided the children's time 50-50. Now the kids are grown and on their own. It is my observation that EVERYTHING mentioned in this article is 100% right on. It is amazing to see a study which actually gets it right.
By the way, I remarried, created a moral, Christian home, and had 2 more kids which were also 5 years apart, just like the first two. There was one boy and one girl each time. These two are now 8 and 13. Just like the article said, the results with these two are excellent and reflect consistent rearing by two parents who love and support each other. Once again, based on first hand knowledge, the findings in this article are exactly right.


44 posted on 10/15/2005 8:51:44 PM PDT by Sam Clements
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To: madprof98

"More likely" is not 100%, it is actually not even highly likely.


45 posted on 10/15/2005 8:53:03 PM PDT by cajungirl (no)
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To: NoControllingLegalAuthority

You are acting as if any child from a divorce is worse off. That is simply not true for a particular child.

It may or may not be a fiction. And guilt may or may not play a part in a parent believe his child is better off with a divorce.

Unless of course you just would like for any divorced person to carry perpetual guilt.


46 posted on 10/15/2005 8:56:02 PM PDT by cajungirl (no)
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To: Sam Clements

Maybe you are a better parent now. Maybe the problem with your children from the first marriage was less the divorce than the kind of parents you and your wife were.

Actually if you look at large sibships in intact families you can see a variety of adjustedness,,some seem better adjusted, happier, more functional than others,,,within the same intact family.

I suspect divorce is harmful for many children. But I also know intact hideous marriages that do not serve children or parents well. I wouldn't suggest divorce be lightly taken, it usually isnt when kids are involved. But I don't think two people are always doing the best thing when they stay "for the sake of the children".


47 posted on 10/15/2005 9:00:48 PM PDT by cajungirl (no)
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To: misterrob

I guess with 3 out of those 4, I don't feel too bad about my divorce. In all honesty, though, even WITH those going on, I still tried to make it work in case I might somehow screw up my kids for life by divorcing their dad. Am only sorry now that I didn't do it sooner.


48 posted on 10/15/2005 9:20:58 PM PDT by conservative cat
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To: Fawn

I came from a solid, loving home but my marriage ended in bitter, quarreling divorce, in which I got out in order to put an end to the fighting in front of the kids.

I have heard only a little from my children of how my divorce was for them, but I imagine it must be, to a helpless and dependent child, like their house being torn apart, shingle-by-shingle and board-by-board.


49 posted on 10/16/2005 5:15:11 AM PDT by RoadTest (The Clintons have no sense of shame.)
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To: andysandmikesmom
I dont know what I could call it, but certainly not insane or evil..

In response to the person who said his parents had weekly battles in which they screamed so loud that their small children were terrorized, I said that such behavior was either insane or evil. The person responded that his parents were not evil, though what they did was "wrong." It's amazing to me that we cheer so loudly when our President finally gets up the nerve to call the hurtful behavior of foreign enemies by its right name, but we insist on using milder terms for hurtful behavior that is closer to home. I suppose that is because few of us would become suicide bombers, but many of us--sadly--have subjected our own children to the horrors of a broken family.

50 posted on 10/16/2005 5:17:09 AM PDT by madprof98
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To: madprof98



It appears that you feel comfortable with putting those you don't want to understand into either the insane or evil catagory. Your world is safer that way and you don't have to deal with human failings and then forgiveness for those who have failed you.

You are in fact the one sugar coating the situation when you clump all behavior into 2 catagories. There was/is no evil to exorcise and no insanity to fix or medicate therefore you've left no other options to deal with the situation.

They are people that both react to stress with anger. They needed to be taught a better way to work out issues in their marriage. It was fixable.


51 posted on 10/16/2005 6:10:29 AM PDT by SouthernFreebird
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To: madprof98
They care how their parents feel about THEM. And the way you show you love them is to stay with them no matter what.

There is such a thing as showing too much love...smothering....holding them back.....ruining their lives.

52 posted on 10/16/2005 6:31:22 AM PDT by Fawn (Try Not----Do or Do not ~~ Yoda)
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To: RoadTest
I have heard only a little from my children of how my divorce was for them, but I imagine it must be, to a helpless and dependent child, like their house being torn apart, shingle-by-shingle and board-by-board.

So how did your kids 'turn out'? I know of one family who's constant affiars brought fights, instability but they are still married....the kids are in trouble alot and bitter --one didn't finish high school. But hey...the parents are still together...

53 posted on 10/16/2005 6:33:59 AM PDT by Fawn (Try Not----Do or Do not ~~ Yoda)
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To: SouthernFreebird
I don't think I disagree with you, though you certainly sound like you want to pick a fight. I just took exception to your choice of words--softening "evil" to "wrong." These words mean the same thing, but one of them sounds nicer. (The next step up, I guess, is "mistake.")

The problem, as I see it, is that we so often excuse our wrongdoing by softening its effects, at least in our own minds. That is certainly true of parents who destroy the security of their children--first by fighting and carrying on, then by divorce.

Call it what you prefer, but it's certainly more than a mistake. And I think that in order for people to take the steps necessary to stop their destructive behavior, they need to first admit to themselves how very bad it really is.

54 posted on 10/16/2005 7:16:45 AM PDT by madprof98
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To: madprof98


I'm not looking for a fight but you obviously insist that my parents are evil for fighting. The article says divorced parents do more harm to children than non divorced. By these standards my parents couldn't win. Stay together and argue or get divorced and cause harm to the children.

I'm glad they got divorced. Everyone was suffering from that union. Now we are capable of having relationships with each other.

BTW I don't associate wrong choices with evil. A person who chooses the wrong partner to marry is different than say an islamic terrorists murdering children in their school. So I do take offense when my parents are lumped in with real evil.


55 posted on 10/16/2005 10:13:56 AM PDT by SouthernFreebird
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To: SouthernFreebird; madprof98

I guess I would have to go along with SouthernFreebirds views that those who divorce are not necessarily those who exhibit behavior which is 'insane', or 'evil'...I think SouthernFreebird is right, often there are wrong choices made, when it comes to a marriage partner...I do think that we are allowed to correct our errors, even if that does mean a divorce...

I have known people to get divorced for what I would consider really flimsy reasons...some reasons which I would call 'selfish'(I want my freedom, I want a younger wife, etc.etc.)...now one may call that reasoning 'evil' or 'insane', I call it selfish...

Calling real evil, as 'evil', is one thing, as pointed out by SouthernFreebird(terrorists killing the innocent)...I cannot argue with that...but when parents divorce(sometimes for the good of their children), I cannot call that evil...

I guess we all just look at what is 'evil', differently...


56 posted on 10/16/2005 1:52:02 PM PDT by andysandmikesmom
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