Posted on 11/06/2005 10:05:45 PM PST by Nasty McPhilthy
This just in: Ken’s getting a makeover that he hopes will wrest Barbie away from surfer dude Blaine. You may remember that Mattel announced the break-up of America’s favorite polystyrene couple (not counting Nick and Jessica) last year. Barbie had fallen for Blaine, a hunky Aussie boogie boarder who was, well, more manly than Ken. Which is why this makeover won’t work. Ken’s stylist (ahem) has announced that his new look will be “slick and urban.” Ken, speaking through a humanoid working at Mattel, said, “My new look will be very now. It will reflect my personality and change with my mood on any given day.” Dude, please. Barbie doesn’t want a man who describes his look as “very now” and frets that his clothes must match his mood. She’s swooning over Blaine, a guy who kills time by picking at his toe jam with a coconut husk. You think he’s worried about looking “very now”? Ken, if you want to win back Barbie – and with 43 years invested in the relationship, I don’t blame you for trying – you’re going to have to “man up” as they say. Ken’s handlers say that he’s undergone some plastic surgery to re-sculpt his face and may have another procedure soon. OK, this is so not a good way to start manning up. In fact, it may be the worst start since Michael Jackson decided to wear a military uniform. Ken’s metrosexual beach-boy image bores Barbie. If he’s determined to win her back even though it means retreating back into the Dream House closet, he’s going to need fewer stylists and more Russell Crowe. Perhaps he could practice tossing a tiny hotel telephone toward Blaine’s head, then bellowing “Now THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about.” Lindsey Lohan could give him driving tips so the next time he takes Barbie for a ride in the pink convertible, he can orchestrate some manly car crashes into the paparazzi. At the rate he’s going, though, Ken has a lot to learn about image. Angelina Jolie is twice the man Ken is; then again, so is Dakota Fanning. Speaking through Mattel, a forlorn Ken has said that he’ll do anything it takes to win Barbie back. Oh, ick. I can smell the desperation from here. Women don’t find that any more attractive than men do. If he really wants to win back the vapid vixen, Ken will spend less time worrying about facial re-sculpting and more time looking utterly bored by Barbie. And when Barbie takes him back and tosses him the silver lame’ chaps to coordinate with his Nutcracker Prince outfit, Ken should kick ‘em aside and say “Nutcracker this.”
Just a thought
Paragraphs are good...
My daughter had a couple of Barbie cartoon books and the authors and illustrators didn't even try to hide Ken's gayness. Seriously, you'd have to see these things. He couldn't be any gayer if he was out.
Books, like movies, often say more about their writers and producers than they do about their characters.
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