Posted on 11/13/2005 10:35:27 PM PST by cyborg
Sacramento—In a bold, yet unexpected move, California has decided to dissolve all ties with the United States of America. It is reported, that on Tuesday, November 15, 2005, the California legislature will vote to secede from the Union.
The vote comes in an answer to the agonizing defeat of Governor Schwarzenegger’s propositions at the voting booths. The voters have made it clear that they don’t want any change in California. They have demonstrated to Governor Schwarzenegger that they want to leave things alone, keep the status quo.
“I’m glad the propositions went down,” stated Autumn Keely, a registered Democrat. “I’m especially glad Proposition 75 fell. We just can’t let Governor Schwarzenegger stick it to the unions. Those people work hard for their pay. They should be able to throw unlimited amounts of money at their candidates. But this is what happens when you elect a former Nazi to office.”
The losing propositions were 73, 74, 75, 76, 77 and seventy-eight. The proposition defeats were followed by the gun ban in San Francisco, which sparked a liberal revolt that has led to the expected vote on Tuesday. The measure, Proposition H, would ban the possession, manufacture, distribution, sale and transfer of firearms and ammunition within San Francisco.
The ordinance is reportedly supposed to take effect on January 1, 2006, but San Francisco residents would have until April 1, 2006, to surrender their handguns to police. However, the NRA is going to challenge the matter in court.
“This ban probably won’t withstand legal challenges,” commented Mayor Gavin Newsome. “But what a wonderful world it would be if those right wing nut jobs and their guns were banned. That would be heaven! The legislature must vote to secede now before those NRA wackos have time to get a court date!”
With the defeat of the propositions that have rendered Governor Schwarzenegger impotent, the secession was only a matter of time. The liberal tide has turned in California as they prepare to create a socialist utopia, saying no to Bush and to all Republicans.
Poll after poll showed it was an election that Californians didn’t want, with a total lineup of eight initiatives that didn’t even come close to every day issues such as gas price gouging, housing costs and the illegitimate war in Iraq. The voters basically told Governor Schwarzenegger to go back to the drawing board.
State Senate leader Don Perata, a Democrat from Oakland, said Tuesday night that Schwarzenegger had sowed the seeds of his own demise by taking on the full gamut of public workers, who made up more than half of the union members in California. “He asked for it and we gave it to him,” fired Perata. “I hope he’s not too disappointed. Just wait till we secede from the Union. It’ll be one for the ages. Long live the Socialist Republic of California!”
Governor Schwarzenegger is vigorously fighting the vote and reports that he’ll veto any legislation presented to him involving secession. “I’m not going to stand by and let these left wing weenies run my state,” leveled Schwarzenegger. “I’m going to do something about it. I think it’s high time we cleaned house in Sacramento!”
Proposition 73, which forced an abortion provider to notify parents of minors seeking abortions, suffered narrow defeat for Schwarzenegger. The exit polls reportedly showed voters wondering whether government should be involved with parental notification.
“I think the government should stay out of my kids’ bedroom,” said Joe Birnbaum, a 53-year old unemployed factory worker. “What goes on in my daughter’s bedroom stays in her bedroom. That’s why I voted no to Prop 73.”
“I’m sick and tired of these Christian conservatives invading my privacy. If my 14-year old daughter wants an abortion without notifying me, that’s just fine. These Christians need to keep their praying and their bibles to themselves,” fired Natty Goldman, a welfare recipient and mother of six.
As Democrats get geared up to vote on secession, some new mottos are being bandied about. Some of them include: “Californa, a whole other country;” “California, a utopian escape from conservatism;” and California, a socialist’s paradise.”
Now that the conservative propositions have been defeated, California has landed a one-two punch to Governor Schwarzenegger, leaving the legislature’s sudden decision to secede as the last step in rebellion. As Black Tuesday approaches, America looks on in utter disbelief and wonders if the California legislature has lost touch with all reality.
New Country appointees:
Al Cowlings
Dir. of Transportation
Michael Moore
Dir. Film Commissioner
Ward Churchill
Dir. of State Propaganda
Vicente Fox
Dir. DMV, Housing
YOU ARE NOW LEAVING THE UNITED STATES. PLEASE HAVE PASSPORT READY.
Please let this not be a joke!
Please let this not be a joke!
Please let this not be a joke!
Please let this not be a joke!
Please let this not be a joke!
Please let this not be a joke!
Isn't that the medicince for San Franciscans that have caught it in the arse?
Secede ~ Bump!
Hispanics have this as part of Plan A, Aztlan. Sort of following the ground being broken in France.
Actually all "Blue" counties could leave with my blessing. Of course they are gonna get mighty hungry, and they will need a passport just to get to the Walmart.....
No earthquake is required. The legislature and the Kalifornia public employee unions have just turned the state into double amputees. The State no longer has a leg to stand on.
No, no, NRA! Butt out! Let them go defenseless -- they deserve it.
" If only it were true...then I could lead a squad to lay siege on Sacramento and take the city by storm."
No! We let them secede, absorb the consevative refugees, wait six months for total anarchy to set in and then STRIKE!
N.C. is taking the opposite approach. Concealed Carry has been so successful in N.C. that legislators are trying to expand it so that one can carry in places that are currently restricted, such as public parks. Our local paper editorialized, "The past 10 years have shown us that there is no reason to fear allowing law-abiding citizens who are trained in handgun safety to carry their weapons."
Call a Texan; we never have enough guns.
It's kind of funny. Before the surprise Republican victory in 1992, it was seriously thought that some of the Western states were getting close to seceding from the Union over the Tenth and the Second Amendment. It could still come around. 2008 will tell if this comes back to life.
Pinging the usual suspects!
(anyone wanting on or off the satire ping list, let me know!)
For your amusement!
That's why I think CA's electoral votes should be apportioned. 55 EV's for one state, winner take all, is freakin' nuts.
Sounds like a win-win situation. California will throw out the illegals in less than a year and then repetion for statehood in less than three years. We can then impose conditions on them (Oh, say they only get half their regular electoral college votes for 100 years? It would take a Constitutional Ammendment but it works for me.)
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
I still say we should have sold it to the Japanese back in the '80's.
Fun to uncover the little golden nuggets of satire embedded in the larger satire.
"Proposition H" for San Francisco is a hoot for those who caught it.
Leni
Ummmmm....That ain't no satire Lani.
That's for real.
Enterprise! I LOVE your ideas!
Can we close our borders down, 100%? Can we send Hollywood to Minnesota? :)
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