Posted on 11/18/2005 7:30:52 AM PST by firehat
POLITICAL FRAGGING ©
GIFT WRAPPED GRENADES
by Norman Liebmann
If Hillary Clinton is elected President, the Oval Office will be closed on Tuesdays. That’s when she has a standing appointment with her herpetologist.
Journalism is Islam with ink.
Since Lincoln freed the slaves, their descendants have been faced with the dilemma of whether to go on welfare or on television.
When Kofi Annan decided to became Secretary General of the United Nations, the Brotherhood of Sleeping Cars Porters lost a potential dues paying member.
If there is one irredeemable trait running throughout the Democrat Party, it is a criminal lack of wit.
It’s time for liberals to quit labeling everything they disagree with as paranoia.
The real Clinton legacy has been the elimination of embarrassment as a restraint on immoral behavior.
Gays who are coming out of the closet are finding it pretty much like coming out of an elevator – except there’s a lot less going up and lot more going down.
Teddy Kennedy is still another binge on its way to happen.
According to Jacques Chirac, France is not having a Muslim insurrection. It’s just a nationwide car barbecue. Apparently the Moslem religion is not Islam - it’s Arson.
The Democrats will subpoena Osama bin Laden to appear before The Senate Judiciary Committee where they will give him a stern talking to - and a blow job.
Bill Clinton’s tenure in the White House will be recorded in history as The Pants Drop Administration.
Democrats know what to do with criminals. They harbor them.
The environmentalists have upgraded their position on global warming from gloom and doom to doom and gloom.
Pope Benedict XVI should consider hiring a press agent. He’s finding John Paul II a tough act to follow.
The Pentagon should have promoted the fun-loving Lyndee England to General.
Hillary should put glue on the toilet seats at home so she can keep track of where Bill is all day.
Doubtless I am not the only person in America, nor will I be the last person in America to observe that they shot the wrong Kennedy.
Louisiana’s Senator, Mary Landrieu, threatened to beat up the President of the United States of America. What a Cupid Stunt!
It’s just a matter of time until some enterprising cosmetic company hits the market with a line of celebrity saliva. Among them will be Paris Hilton’s spit – if she has any left.
The only way to improve the United Nations is in the book that bears the inscription Close Cover Before Striking.
Compassion is Bush’s methamphetamine.
There is no method for rehabilitating the Palestinians that hasn’t been tried on vampires. (“Toto, I don’t think we’re in Transylvania anymore”).
Joe Wilson seems like another Bill Clinton. If you don’t know what that’s like, ask any of his wife’s girlfriends.
The way to cut the crime rate by at least fifty per cent is to go through the book of The Code of Criminal Justice, and wherever it appears eliminate the word “juvenile”.
Geraldo Rivera believes everyone should have a share of the American dream – except Americans. Rivera believes in open borders like his hero Bill Clinton believes in open zippers.
As long as they’re not dong much else, the Strategic Air Command should be dispatched to tidy up Iran. That may seem a little heavy handed, but you don’t go hunting a cougar with a switch.
It’s another boring case of French military history repeating itself. The French Army didn’t fight then, and they won’t fight now – that is whenever “then” was, and whenever “now” is.
In Washington all verbal evasions by politicians begins with them saying, “Everyone should step back and take a deep breath”.
The real calamity for the people of New Orleans in the Katrina hurricane is that the wind swung every baseball cap around so that the peak faced forward - causing the looters to suffer an identity loss.
The Americans along the border are starting to call it Stinko de Mayo.
It speaks well for their political cause that nobody ever wrote a folk song about a conservative.
The Pentagon should reconsider the beret as an element of American military uniforms considering its popularity with the “Frogs”.
The New York Times has become a latter day version of Der Sturmer, which was published by Hitler’s buddy, Julius “Pinch” Streicher.
Maureen Dowd considers herself an elite of one. As with all elitists, only she knows what she’s so damned elite about.
Michael Moore should carry a tube of Preparation H in his wallet for identification.
An upcoming third version of the motion picture “King Kong”, proves once again that in Hollywood there is always room to go backwards.
In commemoration of Rosa Parks’ gallant refusal to give up her seat on a bus, she should have been buried in a sitting position.
There’s nothing wrong with Jimmy Carter that a severe case of lockjaw and a kick in the ass wouldn’t remedy.
It was apparent to everybody but George Bush that the appointment of Harriet Meirs would not have improved the Supreme Court – nor would being on the Supreme Court have done anything to improve Harriet Meirs.
For having told a judge, “I never claimed to be perfect”, Rodney King’s name has been entered in The Guinness Book of Thermonuclear Understatement. He just edged out Bill Clinton saying “I never did – not one time”.
Barbra Streisand claims to know everything, but she can’t tell any of it from Shinola.
The French don’t train their soldiers to fight. They train them to sneer.
Acting is not a trivial art no matter how many times George Clooney makes it appear that way.
There has got to be a better way of handling Jesse Jackson’s endless fomenting social dependency other than pandering to it.
It is unfortunate that the oil is not on top of the ground and the Arabs are not underneath it.
Asking Jesse Jackson to defend your rights is like asking Rodney King to be your designated driver on New Years Eve.
We have endured too long the Congressional pretext that chaos is the natural order of things – and we are too patient with the dismissive cant that democracy is inherently untidy.
It seems a reliable conclusion that Valerie Plame and Mary Mapes are the same bitch.
The only thing the welfare state has accomplished is that it has increased the inclination in the inner city to mate.
Palestine is the gangrene of the Middle East.
The French can save themselves some time by having the Muslims set fire to their cars as they’re leaving the assembly line.
It should be against a pig’s religion to eat Moslems.
Elections are the politician’s way of trading opportunity for importance.
There should be an underwater NASCAR event called the Chappaquiddick 500. Teddy Kennedy should start it by saying, “Gentlemen, start your whiplash collars”.
The only thing that can save America from its government is a massive paper jam in Washington.
Don’t be surprised if during next year’s Grammys, Bill Clinton is awarded The Congressional Medal of Hip Hop.
Prince Charles’ recent visit to the US created a veritable maelstrom of indifference. (Within two days of his impassioned defense of Islam, the Arabs were threatening to kill his mother.)
Minority sensitivities have persuaded Americans to accept street gangs as a natural phenomenon - like Niagara Falls and the Grand Canyon.
Senate Democrats have proved that no one is more dissatisfied than the over- privileged.
Daniel Craig, the new “minty” version of James Bond, hates guns - and probably hates girls. Unlike previous James Bonds, he will not ask for his martinis to be shaken, but not stirred. He will ask for them swished, but not swooshed.
People will not have to wait so long for their fifteen minutes of fame when a cosmetic company comes out with its new product called Insta-glitz. It’s a kind of notoriety in a bottle.
The French have gone from a laughingstock to a whiningstock.
It is a glorious tribute to the political right that nobody ever wrote a folk song about conservatives.
The divestiture gave AT&T the opportunity to spread its incompetence from one big company to many small companies. The process is now being reversed with the consolidation of small companies back into AT&T. - consolidating all that incompetence in one place again. Talk about getting your shit together!
and this …
If the day ever comes when George Bush stops taking crap from Harry Reid please let me know. I want to circle the date on my calendar.
***
Some good nuggets in there. I'll be passing these along.
Bravo! It's been awhile since I've spotted your musings...
-b-
BINGO! This really is the crux of the problem with Demonrat rhetoric. They simply don't care that they lie through their teeth, with no compunction, no remorse, no embarrassment AT ALL!
I'd like to comment on the observation about "shooting the wrong Kennedys", but don't want to get sent to sit in the corner. Suffice it to say that none of them, living or dead, are/were any different or better than the surviving slob.
Marvelous.
"Doubtless I am not the only person in America, nor will I be the last person in America to observe that they shot the wrong Kennedy."
That one will leave a mark!
Some undergraduate is gonna want to hump your leg.
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