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MORE FUNNY FRENCH JOKES
self | self

Posted on 11/23/2005 2:06:55 AM PST by Cincinna

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French

one behind me."

General George S. Patton.

................................................. Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your

accordion."

Norman Schwartzkopf.

............................................................ .........

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."

Marge Simpson

............................................................ .........

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

Jacques Chirac, President of France

"Well as far as France is concerned, you're right."

Rush Limbaugh,

............................................................ .........

"The only time France wants others to go to war is when the German

Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."

Regis Philbin.

............................................................ .........

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any

better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit

outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more

stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I

don't know."

P.J O'Rourke (1989).

............................................................ .........

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of

the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't

have the face for it."

John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

............................................................ .........

"You know why the French didn't want to get Saddam Hussein?

Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He

is so French."

Conan O'Brien

............................................................ .........

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get

Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out

of France either"

Jay Leno.

............................................................ .........

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into

Paris under a German flag."

David Letterman

............................................................ .........

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.

Ted Nugent.

............................................................ .........

War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.

Tom Brokaw.

............................................................ .........

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of

its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the

Nazis?"

Dennis Miller.

............................................................ .........

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there

when they needed us."

Alan Kent

............................................................ .........

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare

for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape,

a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."

Argus Hamilton

............................................................ .........

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being

advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was,

'Never shot. Dropped once.'

Roy Blunt

............................................................ .........

"The French will only agree to go support the war when we've proven

we've found truffles in Iraq."

Dennis Miller

............................................................ .........

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if

you are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered

the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

............................................................ .........

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not

known, it's never been tried."

Rep. R. Blount (MO)

............................................................ .........

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in

WWII? And that's because it was raining."

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

............................................................ .........

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after

the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run

to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and

Collaborate.

The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which

destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their

military capability.

............................................................ ......... French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on

the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the

park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a

nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.


TOPICS: Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: antifrenchhumor; cheeseeating; france; frencharefunny; hahhah; surrender; surrendermonkeys
Very funny, n'est ce pas?
1 posted on 11/23/2005 2:06:56 AM PST by Cincinna
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To: Cincinna

Last thing you want to hear in a Paris renault dealership?

Excuse me, got a light?


2 posted on 11/23/2005 2:14:20 AM PST by TXBSAFH ("I would rather be a free man in my grave then living as a puppet or a slave." - Jimmy Cliff)
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To: Cincinna

Q: What'd you call a French figher jet coming to the aide of his American and British allies in the Iraqi desert?


A: A mirage.


3 posted on 11/23/2005 2:18:25 AM PST by RWR8189 (George Allen 2008)
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To: Cincinna
ROTFL!

Thanks for this!

4 posted on 11/23/2005 2:24:11 AM PST by Caipirabob (Democrats.. Socialists..Commies..Traitors...Who can tell the difference?)
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To: RWR8189

I love it...keep 'em coming!


5 posted on 11/23/2005 2:24:26 AM PST by Cincinna (HILLARY and her HINO want to take over your country. STOP THEM NOW!)
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To: Cincinna

6 posted on 11/23/2005 2:25:22 AM PST by Bon mots
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To: Cincinna

You might want to go to Google and type: "french military victories"

And then press the "I'm feeling lucky" button...


7 posted on 11/23/2005 2:27:15 AM PST by RWR8189 (George Allen 2008)
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To: RWR8189

I googled it.... too funny for words!


8 posted on 11/23/2005 2:32:03 AM PST by Cincinna (HILLARY and her HINO want to take over your country. STOP THEM NOW!)
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To: Cincinna
Rumor has it that the french don't bathe.

This comes from them smelling so bad.
9 posted on 11/23/2005 2:40:24 AM PST by HEY4QDEMS (Ham & Eggs: A day's work for a hen, A lifetime commitment for a pig.)
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To: Cincinna

bump


10 posted on 11/23/2005 2:42:13 AM PST by tom paine 2
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To: TXBSAFH

                   Zut Alors! Mon Citroën!
11 posted on 11/23/2005 3:12:42 AM PST by Bon mots
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To: Cincinna

12 posted on 11/23/2005 3:17:46 AM PST by BulletBobCo
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To: Cincinna

bump


13 posted on 11/23/2005 3:22:10 AM PST by VOA
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To: Cincinna

You know why the French have those large, beautiful trees on either side of their broad boulevards?




So the Germans could march in the shade.


14 posted on 11/23/2005 3:23:22 AM PST by RightOnline
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To: Cincinna

The Patton and Schwarzkopf quotes are both misattributed. Patton never said the line about having a French division behind him, and the line about going deer hunting without an accordion was said by one of Rumsfeld's aides.


15 posted on 11/23/2005 3:23:41 AM PST by Terpfen (Libby should hire Phoenix Wright.)
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To: The Drowning Witch

PING!


16 posted on 11/23/2005 3:28:30 AM PST by Jackknife ( "I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father'." óWill Rogers)
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To: RWR8189

... or failure ;-)


17 posted on 11/23/2005 3:33:59 AM PST by globalheater (we need all kinds of thoughts)
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To: Cincinna
I hardly think that a nation that eats snails and would go to bed with the kitchen sink if it put on a tutu is in any position to preach couthness. — Blackadder
18 posted on 11/23/2005 3:36:57 AM PST by Mr Ramsbotham (Laws against sodomy are honored in the breech.)
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To: Cincinna

This is my kinda thread...


19 posted on 11/23/2005 3:43:03 AM PST by steveyp
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To: Cincinna

Q. Why is the Champs-Élysées tree-lined?
A. So the German soldiers can march in the shade.


20 posted on 11/23/2005 3:44:12 AM PST by HBAR223
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To: Terpfen

Actually, the line about deer hunting with an accordion was uttered by a gentleman by the name of Jed Babbit (or something like that). He was an Undersecretary of Defense under Bush Sr.


21 posted on 11/23/2005 3:51:21 AM PST by PeoplesRepublicOfWashington (Dream Ticket: Cheney/Rice '08)
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To: Cincinna

Have you ever seen a French tank?

It has 6 speeds, five reverse and one foward (in case of an attack from the rear).


22 posted on 11/23/2005 3:57:00 AM PST by gopherbaroque
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To: gopherbaroque
It has 6 speeds, five reverse and one foward (in case of an attack from the rear).

That joke was originally about the Italians after their less-than-stellar contribution to the Desert Campaign.

23 posted on 11/23/2005 4:42:17 AM PST by agere_contra
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To: Cincinna

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.


24 posted on 11/23/2005 4:45:24 AM PST by mewzilla (Property must be secured or liberty cannot exist. John Adams)
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To: Cincinna

25 posted on 11/23/2005 4:49:05 AM PST by E Rocc (Bah Humbug.)
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Comment #26 Removed by Moderator

To: RWR8189
You might want to go to Google and type: "french military victories" And then press the "I'm feeling lucky" button...

LOL.... that's great! Thanks for a much-needed morning laugh.

27 posted on 11/23/2005 5:21:14 AM PST by Kenton (Muslims want to play by their own version of "girls' rules")
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To: Cincinna

Thanks for this! Very funny and all true.


28 posted on 11/23/2005 5:53:30 AM PST by GBA (I believe Congressman Weldon! MSM do your job.)
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To: Cincinna

"Har dee har" bump


29 posted on 11/23/2005 5:58:40 AM PST by ghostrider
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To: Cincinna
A French diplomat was badgering Tom Delay about Iraq.

DeLay interrupted: "Excuse me, do you speak German?"

Frog: "No"

DeLay: "You're Welcome"

30 posted on 11/23/2005 7:09:31 AM PST by Dilbert56
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To: E Rocc

31 posted on 11/23/2005 7:31:39 AM PST by reagan_fanatic (Darwinism is a belief in the meaninglessness of existence - R. Kirk)
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To: Cincinna

Here's an original one from me:

What's the difference between French and Latin?
In one hundred years, people will still be speaking Latin.


32 posted on 11/23/2005 7:37:33 AM PST by Our man in washington
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To: RWR8189

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.


33 posted on 11/23/2005 9:40:28 AM PST by Mike Darancette (Mesocons for Rice '08)
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To: Cincinna
My favorite phrase to come out of this whole Afghanistan/Iraq business is "cheese eating surrender monkeys". Don't know who originally came up with it, but it's brilliant!
34 posted on 11/23/2005 9:55:00 AM PST by zeugma (Warning: Self-referential object does not reference itself.)
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To: zeugma

That would be school groundskeeper Willie of The Simpsons


35 posted on 11/23/2005 11:15:07 AM PST by newbie 10-21-00
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To: newbie 10-21-00
Thanks! We find wisdom everywhere!
36 posted on 11/23/2005 11:53:04 AM PST by zeugma (Warning: Self-referential object does not reference itself.)
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37 posted on 11/23/2005 11:58:34 AM PST by Bon mots
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To: Cincinna

"cheese eating surrender monkeys"

Willie, the School groundskeeper from The Simpsons


38 posted on 11/23/2005 1:47:15 PM PST by Cincinna (HILLARY and her HINO want to take over your country. STOP THEM NOW!)
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To: Cincinna

NOT AN URBAN LEGEND:

Go to Google and type in: "french military victories" Then press the "I'm feeling lucky" button...


39 posted on 11/23/2005 1:48:14 PM PST by Cincinna (HILLARY and her HINO want to take over your country. STOP THEM NOW!)
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To: Cincinna

40 posted on 11/23/2005 1:52:19 PM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: Cincinna

41 posted on 11/23/2005 1:53:41 PM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: Lancey Howard
How much time does it take to conquer France?

Well, it's depending whether there's a traffic jam on the German autobahn or not...
42 posted on 12/15/2005 11:11:22 AM PST by freeworld2000
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