and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Posted on 12/02/2005 1:48:53 PM PST by Jim Robinson
Subject: The Office Party FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
~~~~~
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
~~~~~
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
~~~~~
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex duri ng daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
~~~~~
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
~~~~~
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
~~~~~
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
~~~~~
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. We hope that this change does not offend anyone. |
FAKE BUT ACCURATE!
Terrific!
As my own company's HR Director, I can attest to the accuracy of this post. :o)
GREAT! Thanks for the TGIF chuckle.
....But Kwanzaa will go on as scheduled. What is a Kwanzaa anyway, a new Kia SUV?
I think that Kwanzaa should have more "A"s at the end. Perhaps four...and it should be spelled with all capital letters, as if being shouted. Have a happy KWANZAAAA!!! Much better.
Did tookie williams found kwansaa?
Very clever : )
PING
Yes. It was hiding under his straight razor......
Apologise, cave, repeat.
Apologise, cave, repeat.
Apologise, cave, repeat.
Someday, this country will not play this game for the simple act of living our lives proudly.
Until then, we are a herd of shameful sheep who get what we deserve.
Yes it sounds like our company. We can't even have our party in the month of December anymore. Serious.
"We hope that this change does not offend anyone."
I will be DEEPLY SADDENED if trolls are not offended.
Hey, the 23rd is Festivus. If the Christmas Party runs late I won't get home in time for the Airing of Grievances. I have a year's worth of grievances saved up.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Thanks, that solves that problem.
Sounding like a female Sammy Davis Jr.
This Jew will be happy to show up at your Christmas party.
I believe it was a 70's thing.
Dr. Maulana Karenga
Creator of Kwanzaa
Chair, The Organization Us
Chair, The National Association of
Kawaida Organizations (NAKO)
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
In all seriousness, I own a small business, I am Jewish, and we are going to have a CHRISTMAS PARTY at my expense.
Anyone who doesn't like it can stay the hell away.
No, it was invented by a different founder of a different violent Black gang.
See this article for a good look at Kwanzaa and its history.
Kwanzaa is the Swahili word for "Communist propaganda with thinly disguised racist overtones".
Priceless!
I dunno. But it looks like he may miss it this year...
Lol
We invite our clients and wives,etc. (except the two attys who do divorces, they only invite one side). Last year, we had a gentleman and lady divorce clients of our family law partner. One thing led to another and, this year they'll be attending as husband and wife--of course, their marriage dissolutions were final many months ago. We all toss down one or, at most, two merry Christmas toasts, tell lies, conspire against the forces of evil and drive home unimpaired--or we drive the few impaired home for their safety and to keep the local police from doing their thing. No lamp shade hats--we have no lamps with shades anyhow, no sitting bare butt on the copy machine and no off-color stories. And, while many are not enamoured with the Prez, we toast him a year of good health (and perhaps, silently, a year of making better judgments).
No, but hopefully he gets his chestnuts roasted anyway.
God bless you. Let me wish you a Happy Hannukah. I still don't understand why a Christmas/Hannukah party is not appropriate. That covers 99% of everyone I know. The atheists can attend or not.
Same here. January. Who the hell wants to go to a party in January? Oh wait. The SuperBowl! I guesss we can combine them.
Ours is a Recognition Banquet. First time ever. This is all over the same 4-5 people that bitch about everything. One department. I seriously think they are lesbian athiest wiccan whatevers. Meanwhile, the token Muslim wear her hijab every day. Go figure.
What are they recognizing???
Oh sorry, employee recognition. BARF. Everyone gets something I guess. Like pre-school graduation.
Some traditions are not sacrosanct these days,, and with good reason. ;-)
Anyone who has ever been in charge of putting together a Christmas Party for a large company can relate to this!
Signed, Been There, Done That
Please allow me to extend seasonaly appropriate platitudes, as may be not inconsistent with, pejorative of, or inimical to any particular culture, heritage, and/or preference, to one and all, with provision that any who wish or otherwise find appropriate may consider themselves exempt and exluded from this greeting.
This offer, to the extent practical, shall be deemed modified to comply with any law or regulation relevant hereunto, except that it shall be void in its entirety where taxed, prohibited, or otherwise contrary to law or regulation. Please consult your local ordinances. Employ in moderation, and excersize care when using in conjunction with the operation of motor vehicles and/or other mechanical or electrical equipment. Discontinue use immediately and seek medical attention should persistant rash, cough or other respiratory distress, nausea, impaired vision, disorientation, pain, or hair loss develop. Will not harm fish or vegetation, and safe for use in proximty with pets or livestock. Ensure adequate venilation, and do not allow to freeze.
As a former HR mgr I could write one of my own - mainly concerning the dress code, the date, and the location of party. This thing gave me flashbacks. arrrrrrgh
Sounds nauseating. I hope it's not mandatory attendance...
Not for me. Previous engagement.
Norm, you're a sick, sick man.
Funny. Thanks for the ping, cr.
ping
*sniffle*
What about Festivus for the rest of us?
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