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Do you know how to use these tools?
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Posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.

9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.

10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.

18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.

22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: kayak; toolbox; tools; wasteofbandwidth
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I will add to this excellent tutorial:

23. Combination wrench: A long metallic device used to check the short circuit current of a car battery.

1 posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan
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To: coloradan

Don't forget DYKES.


2 posted on 12/13/2005 7:47:45 PM PST by JustAnotherOkie
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To: coloradan

off topic but when I was 14 working on a construction site I was told to go fetch a crooked 2x4. The carpenters started yelling at me to move my ass cuz they needed it. I spent 30 minutes walking around asking for it and got sent all over the job site.....


3 posted on 12/13/2005 7:47:50 PM PST by misterrob
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To: coloradan

24. Crescent Wrench used to professionally round off bolt heads.


4 posted on 12/13/2005 7:49:11 PM PST by StACase
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To: coloradan; sistergoldenhair

LOLOLOL!!!! I'm dyin'.


5 posted on 12/13/2005 7:49:52 PM PST by facedown (Armed in the Heartland)
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To: coloradan
24.Brake fluid:chemical used to strip paint off flawless motorcycle paint during general motorcycle maintenance.
6 posted on 12/13/2005 7:50:45 PM PST by postaldave (i've given up on being mad in exchange for bitter sarcasm.)
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To: coloradan

Did that once with a metal watch band.


7 posted on 12/13/2005 7:51:33 PM PST by Not now, Not ever! (This tag-line is temporarily closed for remodeling)
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To: coloradan

I was using channel-locks to remove a brake spring when, you guessed it, it slipped and drew blood above my eyebrow. I immediately discovered it also acted as a boomerang when I got mad and threw it only to find it ricochet'd back to hit me in the face again.


8 posted on 12/13/2005 7:52:31 PM PST by umgud (uncompassionate conservative)
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To: misterrob

"off topic but when I was 14 working on a construction site I was told to go fetch a crooked 2x4. The carpenters started yelling at me to move my ass cuz they needed it. I spent 30 minutes walking around asking for it and got sent all over the job site....."

That's a classic initiation gag for a rooky on a construction site.

They do it to every newbie.


9 posted on 12/13/2005 7:53:14 PM PST by beaver fever
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To: misterrob

Sounds similar to a persuit down the runway looking for flight line or prop wash.


10 posted on 12/13/2005 7:53:48 PM PST by Not now, Not ever! (This tag-line is temporarily closed for remodeling)
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To: coloradan

If it can't be done with a hammer and vice grips then I can't do it.


11 posted on 12/13/2005 7:54:55 PM PST by yarddog
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To: JustAnotherOkie

Isn't that Ellen DeGeneres' favorite tool?


12 posted on 12/13/2005 7:55:13 PM PST by ZULU (Non nobis, non nobis, Domine, sed nomini tuo da gloriam. God, guts, and guns made America great.)
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To: Not now, Not ever!

Or the infamous muffler bearings...


13 posted on 12/13/2005 7:55:30 PM PST by RebelBanker (If you can't do something smart, do something right.)
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To: coloradan
My favorite part of engineering are the general notes.

1. Paint to match.
2. Cut to shape.
3. Hammer to fit.
14 posted on 12/13/2005 7:55:37 PM PST by Boiler Plate
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To: umgud

"I was using channel-locks to remove a brake spring when, you guessed it, it slipped and drew blood above my eyebrow."

Channel locks have an attitude. You should have known that.


15 posted on 12/13/2005 7:55:55 PM PST by beaver fever
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To: coloradan

Flashlight: A device used to drain batteries in your toolbox.


16 posted on 12/13/2005 7:57:14 PM PST by MediaMole
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To: RebelBanker

In a radio shop I once worked in, we sent the parts person down to pick up some one conductor ribbon cable, 100 feet of same was needed, quickly.


17 posted on 12/13/2005 7:57:22 PM PST by Not now, Not ever! (This tag-line is temporarily closed for remodeling)
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To: TapTap; Sarcastic1; LongElegantLegs; ZEROKILL

You gotta read these!


18 posted on 12/13/2005 7:57:43 PM PST by Vor Lady (Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?)
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To: coloradan

25. Torque bar: a long metal rod used to crack sockets and peel flesh off knuckles.


19 posted on 12/13/2005 7:58:25 PM PST by ElkGroveDan (California bashers will be called out)
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To: coloradan
Wouldn't you know...

I just got through putting a new DRO scale on my milling machine, and while waiting for the CNC program to calibrate it, I logged on to check the forcast and FR.

Thanks for the laugh.

20 posted on 12/13/2005 7:58:39 PM PST by FreedomFarmer (Facts without theory is trivia. Theory without facts is socialism.)
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To: Boiler Plate

Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with an axe.


21 posted on 12/13/2005 7:58:46 PM PST by Not now, Not ever! (This tag-line is temporarily closed for remodeling)
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To: coloradan
How about:

24. Thumb - Used to see if a light socket is working.,

and

25. Hands - used to see if two wires are conducting electricity.

22 posted on 12/13/2005 7:59:04 PM PST by BobS
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To: misterrob

We'd always send the new guys down to the maintenance bay to get a bottle of squelch oil.


23 posted on 12/13/2005 7:59:48 PM PST by jdege
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To: misterrob
I always ask for the board stretcher.
24 posted on 12/13/2005 8:00:08 PM PST by org.whodat
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To: coloradan

A little off topic, but when I was in the seventh grade I waiting behind another guy in shop class to use the table saw. He must have jerked the board or something, because it suddenly hurled the board into his crotch at a very high speed. He had to be taken out in a stretcher. I've been frightened of table saws ever since.


25 posted on 12/13/2005 8:00:45 PM PST by Welsh Rabbit
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To: coloradan

Bump!


26 posted on 12/13/2005 8:01:05 PM PST by Rummyfan
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To: coloradan

What you mess up with framing you cover with wallboard.
What you mess up with wallboard you cover with tape.
What you mess up with tape you cover with spackle.
What you mess up with spackle you cover with molding.
What you mess up with molding you cover with paint.

Perfect!


27 posted on 12/13/2005 8:01:34 PM PST by P.O.E. (Liberalism is the opiate of the elite classes.)
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To: coloradan
LOL!

"IRISH MICROMETER" - going to try that on our Irish priest.

Two comments:

1. Doesn't EVERYbody have two hydraulic floor jacks? One to wash the other.

2. Ratchet set: used to turn your knuckles into bloody pulp.

28 posted on 12/13/2005 8:02:53 PM PST by AnAmericanMother (. . . Ministrix of ye Chace (recess appointment), TTGC Ladies' Auxiliary . . .)
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To: Welsh Rabbit

I used to work with a guy who cut two fingers off with a table saw. Yes, they were able to sew them back on.


29 posted on 12/13/2005 8:03:54 PM PST by yarddog
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To: coloradan

Ball peen hammer....good for flatening ball peens


30 posted on 12/13/2005 8:04:12 PM PST by woofie
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To: coloradan

Tim Allen ping!


31 posted on 12/13/2005 8:05:44 PM PST by TheForceOfOne
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To: misterrob

"go fetch a skyhook"...great way to keep newbies occupied.

Me? I'm always looking for an adjustable metric crescent wrench.


32 posted on 12/13/2005 8:07:01 PM PST by Rebelbase (Green bean casserole is a culinary curse upon mankind.)
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To: StACase

I thought that was called a Crescent Hammer.


33 posted on 12/13/2005 8:07:17 PM PST by SmithL (Jerusalem, Jerusalem, Lift up your gates and sing, Hosana in the highest! Hosana to your King!)
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To: coloradan
COTTER PIN: A surgical device used to open six-inch incisions on a greasy forearm. Has limited tattoo applications.
34 posted on 12/13/2005 8:07:43 PM PST by ElkGroveDan (California bashers will be called out)
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To: yarddog

Hammer, vice grips and duct tape.


35 posted on 12/13/2005 8:08:18 PM PST by HairOfTheDog (Join the Hobbit Hole Troop Support - http://freeper.the-hobbit-hole.net/ 1,000 knives and counting!)
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To: coloradan
Nail Gun - Because its hard to drive nails into parts of your body with just a manual hammer and will power.
36 posted on 12/13/2005 8:08:34 PM PST by ADemocratNoMore (Jeepers, Freepers, where'd 'ya get those sleepers?. Pj people, exposing old media's lies.)
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To: yarddog
I used to work with a guy who cut two fingers off with a table saw. Yes, they were able to sew them back on.

That is why it is good to use a table saw ,they give a clean cut

37 posted on 12/13/2005 8:08:36 PM PST by woofie
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To: misterrob

That's as bad as the forman that I fired for sending an apprentice up and down a high rise to look for and bring him the stud stetcher.


38 posted on 12/13/2005 8:09:09 PM PST by dalereed
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To: org.whodat
I always ask for the board stretcher.

Oh, they don't exist? Heheh. My teenage neighbor works at a lumber yard and they had him put 294 2x4 16' away. Manual labor of course. When he came back in, they told him he had put them in the bin backwards and was going to have to turn them around. He was actually heading out to do it!

39 posted on 12/13/2005 8:09:15 PM PST by Big Giant Head (I should change my tagline to "Big Giant Pancake on my Head")
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To: coloradan

WOW, done that first one myself once, boy does it HURT! My chest smarts again just reading it.


40 posted on 12/13/2005 8:09:36 PM PST by Boiling point (If God had not meant for man to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat!)
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To: MissLanders
For a while when I was a kid I worked in the salt mines 1500 feet beneath Lake Erie. Regardless of seniority the guys delighted in setting one another on fire.

41 posted on 12/13/2005 8:09:41 PM PST by I see my hands (Until this civil war heats up.. have a nice day.)
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To: SmithL
I thought that was called a Crescent Hammer.

I was using a screw driver hammer just this afternoon. I used it to knock a battery cable down on the terminal. I also regularly use a half inch ratchet hammer.

42 posted on 12/13/2005 8:11:10 PM PST by yarddog
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To: misterrob
Radial Arm Saw: I was trying to mill a small piece of wood, purpose forgotten, and had just put in a new Freud blade.

Never having taken shop (Catholic schools), I was smart enough to use a small c-clamp to hold the wood, and keep
my fingers out of the way.

The blade grabbed the wood, wedging it against the table, and proceeded to propel the saw up the wood, finally
hitting the clamp, and stopping dead. I turned it off, removed the piece, and turned it back on to see if I did
any damage.

The saw started shaking. I turned it off, and removed dust cover, noting that the elbow was missing.

Any way, the c-clamp took out a dozen or so teeth, remarkably throwing some out the dust exhaust, knocking
off the elbow.

I thought something went whizzing by my head...

So, while I didn't know enough to tighten the saw, I knew enough to fashion a jig.

(It was also an excuse to buy a few other toys.)

43 posted on 12/13/2005 8:11:17 PM PST by Calvin Locke
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To: SmithL
...Crescent hammer...

Only if you hit arabs with it.

44 posted on 12/13/2005 8:11:24 PM PST by solitas (So what if I support an OS that has fewer flaws than yours? 'Mystic' dual 500 G4's, OSX.4.2)
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To: Grannyx4
Mr. Legs once used an electric drill to uncork a bottle of wine...
Yeah, he's a romantic at heart.
45 posted on 12/13/2005 8:11:53 PM PST by LongElegantLegs (Nellie wants a story-book; she thinks dolls are folly)
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To: BobS

"25. Hands - used to see if two wires are conducting electricity."

I've seen more than one electrician test 110v by wetting 2 fingers, same hand, and seeing if they are hot by touching them.

Don't try it with a finger on each hand, it will kill you!


46 posted on 12/13/2005 8:13:39 PM PST by dalereed
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To: Not now, Not ever!

Or a bucket of steam.


47 posted on 12/13/2005 8:16:27 PM PST by magslinger (At the end of the day the only truly educated people are autodidacts.)
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To: ADemocratNoMore
Nail Gun - Because its hard to drive nails into parts of your body with just a manual hammer and will power.

Oh, I saw a home improvement show last summer where this cute little chickadee was wielding a nail gun to frame up a door way. I thought she was holding it in a precarious fashion, and was thinking she could easily shoot a nail through the board into her arm.

They cut next to here holding a bloody rag on her arm, waiting for the ambulance!

48 posted on 12/13/2005 8:16:51 PM PST by Big Giant Head (I should change my tagline to "Big Giant Pancake on my Head")
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To: Big Giant Head

Don't forget the arc start for the welder, you know, it's in the Green can.


49 posted on 12/13/2005 8:16:57 PM PST by eastforker (Under Cover FReeper going dark(too much 24))
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To: misterrob

Have you ever hunted snipe?


50 posted on 12/13/2005 8:17:49 PM PST by TASMANIANRED ("You cannot kill hope with bombs and bullets." Sgt Clay.)
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