Posted on 12/30/2005 7:02:34 AM PST by Cagey
And hammers are useless unless you need to drive a nail, or pull one out.
The girl, himself, and his audience.
Don't let Tom Cruise see this.
You beat me to the comment. My husband and I joked after the birth of our first child, that although we had gone to the LaMaz classes our daughter must have been sleeping during instructions. I know at one point I just about grabbed that *%$**&^ clipboard out of my husband's hands and sailed it across the room.
It seems that the whole hospital labor and birth process is designed to be as uncomfortable and annoying and intimidating as possible. And we pay for it. Go figure.
hmmm...So the whole affair is a diappointment from beginning to end...
Heck, my pickup line is "I am dying to disappoint you and make you miserable."
I will take a wild guess here....
Do the coaching classes receive Federal or State monies?
If so, someone trying to justify receipt of the monies?
I'd still take it. 13 minutes is a long time when you are trying to pass a watermelon.
Humorous Quotes from Bill Cosby's
Fatherhood
* Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
* There is something about babyness that brings out the softness in people and makes them want to hug and protect this small thing that moves and dribbles and produces what we poetically call poopoo.
* The arrival of a baby coincides with the departure of our minds.
* She was a college graduate, a child psychology major with a B-plus average, which means, if you ask her a question about a child’s behavior, she will give you eighty-five percent of the answer.
* We were well prepared for natural childbirth, which means that no drugs can be given to the female during delivery. The father, however, can have all he wants.
* Like every man, of course, I had no understanding of how a labor pain really feels. Carol Burnett said, “If you want to know the feeling, just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.”
* I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
* Except for the cost of the child, which my lead you to consider joining organized crime, fathering is easier today than it was when I began.
* You know why John D. Rockefeller had all that money? Because he had only one child, so he dint have to spend ninety thousand dollars on Snoopy pens and Superhero mugs and Smurf pajamas and Barbie Ferraris.
* Calvin (Klein) is the slick operator who sells your kids things for eighty-five dollars that cost seven at Sears. He has created millions of tiny snobs, children who look disdainfully at you and say, “Nothing from Sears.”
* The two most important things to the American female are man’s prevention of nuclear war and man’s putting the toilet seat down.
* Mothers who have experience in the trenches of family warfare are sometimes even driven to what I call anticipatory parenting. They ask a child a question, he tries to answer, and they say, “You shut up! When I ask you a question, you keep your mouth shut! You think I'm talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!”
* I am not a physicist, but I'm sure that the theory of the conservation of energy was discovered while watching an eight-year-old pretend to work.
* Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
* After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”
* To be fair, however, I must admit that from time to time children do like to share with siblings. For example, once in a while a brother will try to remove his sister’s arm so he can play with it.
* For the last nine million years, ever since the first child crawled out of the slime [where his mother had told him not to play] ...
* This is a boy whose mind goes out of neutral only when giving reasons why he didn’t turn in his work on time.
* He is in a fine school now with four teachers for every child – two in front and two in back.
* Then, however, he suddenly waxed articulate and said, “Dad, I want to be able to control my own destiny.” “Oh, God,” I said, “does this mean LSD?”
* My son, who was twelve at the time, had sent me on a trip to the end of my rope. He had taken up a new hobby: lying; and he was doing it so well that he was raising it to an art.
* The American father cannot be trusted to put together combinations of clothes. He is a man who was taught that the height of fashion was to wear two shoes that matched.
* Even General Patton would have lacked the courage to give his mother soap-on-a-rope.
* Mothers, in fact, organize the day (Mother's Day) as precisely as Patton planned and attack. They make a list of things they want, summon their children, and say, “Go see your father, get some money from him, and surprise me with some of these.
* Nothing separates the generations more than music.
* Today’s parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.
* The greatest advantage of top volume was that I couldn’t hear the grownups when they came in to tell me to turn that crap down.
* I use the word idiot only in the narrow automotive sense, for my daughter is one of the brightest people her school has ever seen avoid work.
* In spite of all the scientific knowledge to date, I have to say that the human animal cannot be the most intelligent one on earth because he is the only one who allows his offspring to come back home.
* Look at anything that gives birth: eventually it will run and hide. After a while, even a mother elephant will run away from its child and hide. And when you consider how hard it is for a mother elephant to hide, you can appreciate the depth of her motivation.
* I was wrong when I said that the big expense for you would be buying a car. Let us now discuss the cost of college – unless you would rather do something more pleasant, like have root canal work.
Early Cosby was incredibly funny stuff. I had a teacher in High School who brought in the Cosby Album "Himself" which had the bit about natural childbirth and the entire class laughed while listening.
I love early Cosby!
:)
We just bought the Himself DVD that came packaged with his Fat Albert movie.
I laugh like I'm hearing it for the first time.
Our kids were born at home. No pain. No problems. Lots of cool showers. One Midwife. One great husband. Funny pictures.
like the tag...lol
I always intuitively knew this was true. However - I learned never to say so in front of women!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.