Skip to comments.The rude `When are you having a baby?' question
Posted on 01/11/2006 12:58:24 AM PST by beaversmom
DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is almost 38 years old. Most of my adult life has been spent in school, working or traveling. It is only in the last two years that I have met someone and settled down somewhat -- although we are not married. We are both artists, so much of our time is filled doing the things that we love and believe in. Neither of us feels a giant void in our relationship or our lives that needs to be filled by a baby.
In the past year or so, several of my co-workers and other people I barely know keep asking, ``When are you going to have a baby?'' or, ``You only have a couple more years -- aren't you going to have a baby?'' or, ``Don't you want kids?''
My family doesn't even ask me these questions! I think they are extremely rude and intrusive, and I resent the simple-minded assumption that just because a person has a uterus and ovaries she must make a baby. How should I respond to these questions?
Childless and happy in Texas
(Excerpt) Read more at mercurynews.com ...
I remember hearing about an old school friend who was sent an inquiry about attending the upcoming highschool reunion. This was back in 1995. The inquiry had questions like: "Are you married?" "How many kids do you have?" She sent a very nasty letter back stating she was a lesbian and how dare these people assume she was married and would have kids. The person organizing the reunion was very taken aback because she didn't realize a simple inquiry would be met with such a hostile reaction. This old friend was always a bit out there and ahead of her time in the feminazi sense so it came as no shock to us--we had even joked she would end up as a lesbian.
Translation: we're too self centered to have children. Its all about US.
I have to say I agree with her. She should NOT be a mother.
Have the baby!!!!!!!
How much more fun comes in an 8 1/2 pound package.
Live a little, you only come around once.
I can relate to the rudeness and intrusiveness she mentions.
I too, am childless due to certain circumstances in how my life has played out (and not necessarily how I wanted them to) and it doesn't make me a liberal, a lesbian or anything else. I am very much NOT any of those things.
And I hate the ever-present "Do you have kids?" question and the "Why?" that follows when I answer in the negative. I consider that my own business and will tell people with whom I feel close.
I am an "aunt" to many of my friends' children and adore playing with them or babysitting them. But the fact that I don't have children does not make me some weirdo or conversation piece.
I have a couple of other friends in the same boat for their own various reasons and they feel just the same way.
And when people learn that I have 6 kids I always get the rude "don't you have a TV?" remark - and some cads will go so far as to "inform" me that I could get "snipped".
I would never think to ask someone with few or no kids about the type of birth control they use and why they don't have more kids...
The worst question for a woman is ..."When's your baby due?" ...when you're not pregnant.
Thanks for posting that.
My guess is liberal. Like I said not everyone wants kids and/or cut out to have them and there's nothing wrong with that but I think it's normal for people to inquire about such. I understand that some people get too nosy--they can do that about a lot of different subjects. I might ask someone a question about how many kids they have and depending on their answer won't go any further than that. Usually I know that they have one and am curious if they have any more.
I thought that's what the article was going to be...
It's good these questions are asked. It is in our society's best interest to expect child-rearing and marriage. When those start to disintegrate and disappear from public expectations, there goes your birth-rate. And up go the percentage of babies born out of wedlock.
If you can't have them or circumstances have led to other decisions, just smile and be thankful that you live in civilization that's not going to make itself extinct by failing to do something so basic as produce offspring.
I am curious about a lot of thing too. It is natural. Can you please tell me how much you and your husband (if you are married) earn a year. I am also curious about your net worth. Hope you are not offended. It appears to me you must have children and therefore do not know the feeling, if you have never had children, how offensive it is to ask that question.
People get too offended. I like Michael Medved's attitude. He's Jewish and gets confronted/asked by people all the time wondering why he's not a Christian. I personally saw this happen in Denver. He didn't get offended. He's proud he's Jewish and is happy to explain his beliefs. He doesn't think the people are rude for inquiring. He's comfortable in his own skin. And if you get asked a question that you don't wish to discuss/answer you can reply in such a way that isn't rude but gets the message across.
My wife and I cannot have children. We tried and tried and it did not work. After her last miscarriage, we decided that was it. Adoption is far away on the periphery of thought.
For us the most painful question is "Do you have kids?"
It is a kick in the bullocks.
I only take offense if something is meant to be offensive. People could ask me how many kids I have. They don't know if I have had kids to pass away. If they don't mean offense then I don't get offended. I have had people ask me if I'm going to have any more. At one time I thought that might not be possible. I didn't get offended at the question.
I dont think Do you have children? is in that league. Its the sort of thing people would carry on talking about, unlike the size of your salary.
Whats rude is to keep probing if the answer No comes back.
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