Venable: Warning! Read this at your own peril

Knoxville News Sentinel ^ | 1/15/6 | SAM VENABLE

[SmithL]

Much to the delight of people who appreciate legalistic stupidity, the winner of the Wacky Warning Label Contest was announced last week.

This competition, in its ninth year, is sponsored by a Detroit organization called Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch. As the name suggests, its goal is to spotlight the bizarre, ridiculous and confusing warning labels found on consumer products.

The 2006 champ was the label that came with a 1,000-degree industrial heat gun, admonishing users not to attempt drying their hair with it.

Second place went to this cautionary note on kitchen cutlery: "Never try to catch a falling knife." Third was the clarification on a cocktail napkin sketch of waterways near Hilton Head, S.C.: "Not to be used for navigation."

All solid entries, for certain.

But trust your Uncle Litigation. You don't need to wait for the winners to be announced every January. All you gotta do is visit your nearest retail store and peruse the thousands of labels on display.

I am a veteran in this regard - to the point that my wife gets vexed when we go grocery shopping. She claims I dawdle.

I can't help it. Just about every time I pick up an item and read the fine print, I bust out laughing. By the time I've worked my way down the first aisle, Mary Ann is headed for the checkout.

Here are some of my best finds. Allow me to stress that I am not making any of this up. Indeed, I hold the products (or labels) in my hand as we speak.

Can you spell "contradiction"? Then check out the can of Ronsonol cigarette lighter fluid that cautions, "Do not use near flame or fire."

Huh? Then how does it work? Are you supposed to douse two Marlboros with fluid and rub them together?

Another classic is a 1-ounce bottle of McCormick Imitation Brandy Extract. I stress the word "imitation" here because the first entry on the ingredient list is "alcohol, 35 percent." Meaning this fake brandy stuff is 70-proof.

Other labels fall under the "Why Didn't I Think of That?" category. Like this gem from a Wahl multi-barrel hair dryer: "Never use while sleeping."

Or the Renegade Pro Series fishing lure, outfitted with not one, but two, treble hooks, each point honed to needle-sharpness: "Do not place the product in your mouth." (Yeah, I know. I hate it when that happens.)

Or the Mabis Health Care rectal thermometer that warns, "Do not use a rectal thermometer to take an oral temperature." (I assume this is a mistake you make only once.)

In the "Oh, So That's How To Use It!" division, it's hard to beat Dial soap's detailed directions: "Wet bar with water, lather vigorously and wash skin, rinse and dry thoroughly."

But for covering 100 percent of the bases, legal and culinary, my favorite is Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce, which bills itself as "the original hottest sauce in the universe."

Here, verbatim from the label, is how to use it: "A great cooking ingredient for sauces, soups and stews. Also strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains. Enjoy!"

Consider yourself warned.

[dsc]

I wonder if MacDonald's coffee now carries a warning about putting it between your legs.

[jdm]

"Warning: May cause vaginal scaring."

[Duke Wayne]

Remember the old Yakav Shmirnov(spell?). What a country!

Thats what the lawyers in the U.S. must be saying.

[ThreePuttinDude]

I wonder if MacDonald's coffee now carries a warning about putting it between your legs.

WARNING: May cause penile dysfunction if exposed to hot fluid.

[dsc]

"Warning: May cause vaginal scaring."

That's one of those typos that opens up a whole realm of possibilities that I'm "scared" to explore.

[Appalled but Not Surprised]

I wonder if MacDonald's coffee now carries a warning about putting it between your legs.>>>

I know a couple of college students who need that label....

[Semi Civil Servant]

I like the warning that advises you to remove the sunshade from the windshield before driving your car.

I'm thinking of suing the sunshade industry for insulting my intelligence.

[Baynative]

I once had a friend who was a pro mountain bike competitor. His specialty was downhill - an inherently dangerous sport created by the demented for the insane.

Anyway, he ordered a specially designed bike with all the geometry and weight that would multiply gravity and inertia in every possible way.

I was at his garage when he was unpacking it from the shipping crate and we laughed for quite a while at all the safety crap that had to be included to legally sell and ship the thing - "lawyer extras": everything from safety labels to little reflectors on the seat post and wheels. It was a virtual mockery of our John Edwards driven tort system.

[Lurker]

My wife bought a new hair dryer a while back. It's warning label cautioned her against using it in the shower. I kid you not.

You just know that behind every one of the warnings, someone did it and sued.

Did you ever see the one on the clothes iron that warns against ironing clothes while wearing them!

Some people are just too stupid to live.

L

[DumpsterDiver]

"Warning: May cause vaginal scaring."

That's one of those typos that opens up a whole realm of possibilities that I'm "scared" to explore.

You mean you've never heard the tiny vaginal voices screaming "Eek!"?

[dsc]

"I know a couple of college students who need that label...."

I'm also scared to ask what that's about.

[dsc]

"You mean you've never heard the tiny vaginal voices screaming "Eek!"?"

Well, only when I unmask my...no, no, not going there.

[Condor51]

I like these two:

• On Ronson Lighter Fluid: Danger - FLAMMABLE
• On Pyrodex (gun powder) - DANGER EXPLOSIVE

Now would lighter fluid be of any use if it wasn't "Flammable"?
Or gun powder if it didn't "Explode"?

Naturally they have the obligatory warnings for the TERMINALLY STOO-PID, keep away from fire and flames and children. Oh and don't eat or drink them either.

[sully777]

Pet Peeve #1 Instructions and warnings written in five languages that take up the entire box and the English version hidden as a simple three or four word statement. It's like finding a needle in the garment district.

[Squantos]

Another classic is a 1-ounce bottle of McCormick Imitation Brandy Extract. I stress the word "imitation" here because the first entry on the ingredient list is "alcohol, 35 percent." Meaning this fake brandy stuff is 70-proof.

Great now we get ID checks at the spice rack.....:o)

[sully777]

I find the cautions on fireworks made in China a hoot, such as: "No light inside", "Caution: Explosive", "Will cause fire", and "Keep away from flame." What's the point in buying them?

[dpa5923]

No, but I think a label that read, "Too hot for Human Consumption. Let cool before drinking." would have been appropriate at the time of the infamous incident.

[doberville]

You HAVE?

[Renegade]

Some directions on irons say " Do not iron clothes while on your body " Believe it or not the reason for the warning is that people actually got burned just doing that !

[sully777]

Day Quil Warning: Taking more than the recommended dose can cause serious health problems. In case of overdose, get medical help or contact Poison Control Center right away. Quick medical attention is critical fro adults as well as for children EVEN IF YOU DO NOT NOTICE ANY SIGNS OR SYMPTOMS.

---

Yet, my doctor recommended that I take a larger dose of Day Quil if my symptoms are not helped by the recommended dose. He told me this before I read the box. I did not notice any signs or symptoms. Should I seek more quick, expensive medical attention?

[JoeSixPack1]

WARNING: Reading warning labels as a past time is an indication of mental illness. Writing about these experiences could indicate social deprivation and peer exclusion. Please contact a medical professional immediately.

[Carry_Okie]

One for you.

[Slings and Arrows]

"Warning: May cause vaginal scaring."

You KNOW where the Feminazis want that warning placed!

[sully777]

Suave Deodorant Warning: For External Use Only.

DAMN IT! I keep eating it for fresh breath.

[Slings and Arrows]

You too?

[SmithL]

For every stupid warning, there is at least one stupid person that made that warning a necessity.

[Radix]

I have used Dave's Insanity Sauce.

It is dangerous stuff.

[sully777]

It says here: Contact doctor if you has a kidney problem. Dang, after I inhaled it the thirtieth time I felt like I drank a fifth of Jack but with the sharp pains in my back. Not like the sharp pains from the fifth of bourbon and ole man Smith's mule. Suppose I best call Doc.

[Beagle8U]

I think that the all time best warning label/instruction book I've ever read was one that said the product and the label was worthless! ( not joking)

The Bridgeport milling machine always comes with a clear plastic guard about 6" square that totally Shields the cutter from the operator, problem is it also shields it from whatever you were going to mill.

After all the instructions on putting it on the machine, it tells you that: it will make the mill unable to preform most milling operations, you may wish to discard this and make your own!

The reason for something this silly is OSHA regulations written by morons to protect other morons.

I just liked the fact that Bridgeport admitted that it was a stupid POS that they are forced to include with every new machine, to comply with OSHA.

[mylife]

[quantim]

Even as a kid I knew not to play with my electric train set in the bathtub. Thank goodness we have the Edwards' of the world to protect from the next generation of the dumb-downed as a result of publik edumakashun.

[FOG724]

Day Quil Warning: Taking more than the recommended dose can cause serious health problems.

Day Quil contains Tylenol. Overdoses of Tylenol is one of the leading causes of liver failure.

[mylife]

[mylife]

They should add the line:
"Now with new improved applicator"

[null and void]

That's one of those typos that opens up a whole realm of possibilities that I'm "scared" to explore.

Think Hillary!™...

[Psycho_Bunny]

a Detroit organization called Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch. As the name suggests, its goal is to spotlight the bizarre, ridiculous and confusing warning labels found on consumer products.

Watching this guy take a Rorschach Test would probably be pretty amusing because that name has absolutely no suggestion, AT ALL, to that goal.

[null and void]

You haven't?

[mylife]

[Ichneumon]

[TheresaKett]

I have had that Dave's Insantiy Sauce....it is really hot. We were having dinner with a friend who bought it specifically for my husband to try, because he liked hot sauces. Their son was imitating everything my husband did and when he put several shakes of the Insanity Sauce on his food, so did this kid. We all warned him not to eat it, but the kid did anyway and he ended up spending the rest of the dinner and part of the evening in pain.

[reagan_fanatic]

[Nik Naym]

"You mean you've never heard the tiny vaginal voices screaming "Eek!"?"

Well, Steve Martin once claimed to know a girl who could sing from her diaphragm.

[mylife]

l0l

[sully777]

These were funny but Animal Colon Package was putting me in beautiful laugh stitches...I gotta stop reading engrish

http://www.engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=scooter-z.jpg&category=Instructions&date=2002-10-19

http://www.engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=my-stify.jpg&category=Instructions&date=2002-10-15

http://www.engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=magicsponge.jpg&category=Instructions&date=2002-10-12

[mylife]

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

[mylife]

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

[armymarinemom]

Before our youngest son left for basic training with the Army he received a do's and don'ts list. Listed for what you cannot take to basic training

• Your pet
• Your Wife or Children

If this is listed someone somewhere brought the entire family to basic training.

[jurroppi1]

that'd take years to learn that wouldn't it?!!!

[pcottraux]

Third was the clarification on a cocktail napkin sketch of waterways near Hilton Head, S.C.: "Not to be used for navigation."

I'd even be afraid to wipe my mouth with a napkin like that.