Posted on 04/01/2006 6:40:33 PM PST by twippo
SELMER, Tenn. - Mary Winkler was the quiet, unassuming wife of a small-town, by-the-Bible preacher, seemingly devoted to church and family. But now her husband, Matthew, is dead and she is charged with shooting him in the back with a shotgun.
Authorities won't discuss a motive, and church members say they didn't see any indication she was unhappy. But experts say preachers' wives often struggle with depression and isolation, expected to be exemplars of Christian virtue while bearing unique pressures on their private and public lives.
Gayle Haggard, author of "A Life Embraced: A Hopeful Guide for the Pastor's Wife," said ministers' wives can feel isolated because of a misconception about leadership, since they and their husbands are leaders of their congregations.
They can feel trapped, she said, by unrealistic expectations "to live a certain way, to dress a certain way, for their children to behave a certain way."
And ministers' wives often find themselves handling more jobs than they expected to take on, said Becky Hunter, current president of the Global Pastors Wives Network.
"You're not really hired, and yet there is some expectation in most church settings that the pastor's wife comes along in a package deal," Hunter said.
Too often, ministers and their wives are reluctant to seek emotional help from members of their congregations because they're looked up to as leaders, said Lois Evans, a former president of the Global Pastors Wives Network. They can become isolated, lonely and depressed.
"This family needed help," said Evans. "It seems like there was no place to turn to and no place to talk and it became an explosive situation."
Matthew Winkler, 31, was found dead in a bedroom at the couple's parsonage Wednesday night in Selmer, a town of 4,400 people about 80 miles east of Memphis. Mary Winkler, 32, and her three young daughters were found Thursday night leaving a restaurant in Orange Beach, Ala., about 340 miles from Selmer. Orange Beach Police Chief Billy Wilkins said she had rented a condo on the beach after the slaying.
She was charged with first-degree murder and ordered held without bail. Tennessee Bureau of Investigation agent John Mehr said authorities know the motive for the killing, but he would not disclose it.
Mary Winkler was working part-time as a substitute teacher and taking college courses to get a teaching certificate as well as raising her three children and serving the congregation as its preacher's wife.
"You know she was weighted down," said Jimmie Smith, a member of Matthew Winkler's Fourth Street Church of Christ congregation and a retired psychiatric nurse.
Defense lawyer Steve Farese refused to talk about the Winklers' private life or if they had personal troubles.
"I can't discuss anything she's told me," Farese said. "But I think you have to look at the entire picture. You can't look at the end of a story and determine what the beginning and middle were."
Well, I am a rabbi's wife, and I have never had the urge to shoot my husband multiple times.
Maybe I have had the urge once or twice but I never actually DID.
Just another symptom of the "let's kill our wounded" mentality that's fairly common in many of our "Christian" churches.
Consider the source. Another stupid article by the AP, trying to blow out of proportion a rare incident.
Suddenly, celibacy for the clergy doesn't seem so unreasonable.
Evidently divorce didn't occur to Mrs. Winkler. She ought not be given any extra consideration as to punishment. IMO!
Divorce is unthinkable to most evangelicals.
And murder?
well? why are we having this discussion?
She answered, "I married him until 'death do you part', so divorce was out of the question."
She waited a moment before continuing, "Now MURDER is another story."
LOL. Bless you, my dear, and I'm sure your husband is most grateful for your restraint :)
Many's the husband whose had the same thought!!
If divorce is so unthinkable to evangelicals, then why do Christians have a higher divorce rate than atheists? Look it up...a Barna poll, I believe. Surely if it's a choice between divorce or murder, even the most dogmatic among us would opt for divorce.
Boo FReakin' Hoo!
LOL. I don't think that is a feeling limited to the wives of rabbis or ministers!
In the foot could be a good warning.
"If divorce is so unthinkable to evangelicals, then why do Christians have a higher divorce rate than atheists?"
I'd stack up the divorce rates of church-going Christians (or any other faith) against atheists anyday.
Sadly, the vast majority of people who report themselves as "Christian" are Christian in culture only, rarely if ever attending a church service.
the Church of Christ is not really considered evangelical. They are somewhat cult like and believe that anyone not baptized is not a Christian.
The sorts of evangelicals that become pastors and pastor's wives are not so comfortable with divorce as the average nominal non-deonominational.
I don't read, respect, or pay attention to Barna.
As for the last comment, you assert a choice, with what seems like a reasonable conclusion. The operative word there is "reasonable."
"Seems he was available to everyone in the congregation but never there for his own wife and kids. That's the sad fact of the chosen way of life."
That was my experience growing up in a parsonage as a preacher's kid. Everyone else got the good parts of Dad, and I got the emotionally and physically exhausted man that was left (and that wasn't at all fun).
The divorce rate among clergy is shocking. It would seem that clergy are on a mission from God (or so they think), and one of the sacrifices that they think they must make is the sacrifice of their family.
Alice Cooper... Preacher's Kid. Suprised?
I am sure a great many wives, and not a few husbands, struggle, but they do not murder their spouses in cold blood.
"Divorce is unthinkable to most evangelicals."
So then, murder is the preferable option?
he did stray, but has come back to The Lord as of the mid 90s
Whoa, a very broad brush there, no need for that sort of stuff.
It's a two way street.
I guess all of us could ask ourselves if there isn't something we could do FOR the family, for the pastor, for his/her children.
Well, I have studied what they teach and I believe that I am correct. But thanks for your input.
That has what to do with a woman murdering her husband who happened to be a minister?
My guess is that he was messing around, or it was her time of the month.
He's a great golfer, though.
"I guess all of us could ask ourselves if there isn't something we could do FOR the family, for the pastor, for his/her children."
There is something you can do - and this is from personal experience....
Tell the pastor to take care of themself FIRST... and their family SECOND... with their job somewhere after that.
I can't tell you how many times I've watched clergy work themselves sick (literally), and be REWARDED for it in pity points. "Oh, gosh, look how much Rev Jones loves us, and how much they sacrifice for God."
GARBAGE.
If God needs another martyr then God will call one. There is absolutely NO need for every pastor to be one.
If anyone works more than 55 hours a week then they kill themselves, their family life, and make stupid mistakes that make them COUNTER-productive (not just UN-productive).
Unfortunately, most clergy like to sit around and talk about how they work 60 - 70 - 80 hours a week. If a pastor says that they only work 40 hours a week (except emergencies and Holy Week) then the other clergy consider them lazy and unholy and actually work to get them dismissed from their ranks.
The successful partnerships I have known have been couples who ARE a team and share everything, like two pages on a single sheet. A true marriage is two persons becoming one in the flesh. I guess these are as rare as other saints.
"They (church of Christ) are somewhat cult like and believe that anyone not baptized is not a Christian."
I fail to see how the church of Christ is a cult because they believe and obey the teachings of Jesus Christ, who taught,“He who believes and is baptized, shall be saved” (Mk. 16:16)?
The broad brush, in this case, is that all but the most liberal of denominations would agree that Baptism is essential in order to be a Christian. You'll find no objection from Catholics, Orthodox, Lutherans, Episcopalians, and many others on that point.
She is disgusting. I think that if he treated her like she should have been then she would not have killed him. Sometimes people are not allowed to do anything in the name of false religions and this is what happens. This does not happen in the Catholic Religion thankfully. It seems this is a Evangelical problem that needs to be fixed.
Evidence?
"Sometimes people are not allowed to do anything in the name of false religions and this is what happens. This does not happen in the Catholic Religion thankfully. It seems this is a Evangelical problem that needs to be fixed."
Kinda like priests who aren't allowed to marry, and end up in sex scandals with the altar boys?
Please understand, this cheap shot wouldn't be necessary except to show you that we (all religious groups) are pretty much struck with the same club, and that includes Roman Catholics.
Perhaps you should reconsider your remarks?
"This does not happen in the Catholic Religion thankfully. It seems this is a Evangelical problem that needs to be fixed."
It doesn't happen in the Catholic church because priests DON'T HAVE WIVES! Your bias is showing.
Some other time, it's late. Suffice to say that they do not believe in Salvation by grace.
For one thing, that's completely untrue, but let's ignore that for the moment. Suppose it were true. Does the fact that a religious group holds a doctrine that you disagree with make it a 'cult'?
I have seen this phenomenon illustrated very clearly in my old church. It is up to the pastor to establish unambiguous boundaries and expectations on the part of the congregation with respect to his wife. Typically, she is NOT part of a "package," and is entitled to her own private life and relationship with her husband.
"Typically, she is NOT part of a "package," and is entitled to her own private life and relationship with her husband."
Yeah, right. Just watch what happens when the spouse (no longer just wives, ya know) decides to attend another church. God forbid that they'd have a different religion!
For decades churches got "2 for 1" - the pastor's wife baked cookies, played piano, taught Sundah School, etc etc. It's a hard stereotype to break.
What is definitely breaking that stereotype is that the pastor's spouse usually makes significantly more money than the pastor, and therefore is the dominant career.
It is true. And they are cult like.
You are right. The responsibility to set reasonable and workable limits and boundaries is the pastor's. Unfortunately, too many pastors are ill-trained and instantly become over-involved in their work. Then some years later their marriage goes belly up or they burn out, and wonder why their life isn't what they ordered when they finished their M.Div's.
Indeed it is, but it is the pastor's responsibility to clarify her role with the Board or Call committee right from the start. If she has a defined role, great, but it needs to be specified up front, and paid for. If she is to be just another member of the congregation, she can for sure bake cookies and do whatever other members do. I would question why a preacher's wife would want to attend a different church, however.
"Then some years later their marriage goes belly up or they burn out, and wonder why their life isn't what they ordered when they finished their M.Div's."
Actually, many marriages don't survive the M.Div process. We had 3 file for divorce IN ONE CHRISTMAS BREAK in a student body of 300. Two of them were Dean's List students. One more month of seminary and I'd have lost my marriage (we were talking about divorce).
Pastors confuse lots of things.
First of all, one is CALLED, not ADDICTED. There is a difference.
Second, it is NOT health to have no bounderies between ones professional life and ones personal life. This situation is aggrivated beyond belief when one lives in a parsonage / manse. When I left the ranks of clergy it was a relief to rent my own place, even if it was subsidized housing.
Third, there is a difference between your JOB and your relationship with God. NEVER forget that. Pastors seem to believe that failure as a pastor (or leaving the profession) is a failure in their relationship with God, possibly causing them to be damned (talk about works righteousness!!!)
Strangely, after I stopped being clergy, I stopped getting passes from women. I went literally 10 years after leaving the ministry until I got my next pass. When I was a pastor I got them weekly.
"I would question why a preacher's wife would want to attend a different church, however."
Because she (actually, the spouse isn't always "she") need her own pastor, just like the doctor's wife needs her own doctor. Generally, doctors don't practice on their family members, and clergy should take the hint.
Second, she needs her own faith community where she is "just a member of the congregation." This is impossible when they are the spouse of the pastor. Just try praying when the people in the next pew are making fun of the pastor for a gaff.....
Evidence?
Sure. But being non-Christian is not the same thing as being in a cult, which is the characterization I'm disputing.
No doubt, some people would have more sympathy for her as a murderous widow than as a divorcee. She could remarry and most churches would approve, but not as a divorced woman.
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