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Looking for jokes about US Army (VANITY-Nothing tasteless, just funny)

Posted on 04/03/2006 6:01:27 PM PDT by curtisgardner

I was looking around the internet for some funny jokes about the US army but couldnt find much. Does anyone have any funny jokes about this subject to pass along? im obviously not looking for anything tasteless, just a few zingers to tell a former army man. Thanks to all who contribute.


TOPICS: Foreign Affairs; Political Humor/Cartoons; Unclassified
KEYWORDS: humorinuniform; militaryhumor
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To: curtisgardner

LOOKING FOR HERMAN


Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb.That afternoon
the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.That afternoon
the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.


21 posted on 04/03/2006 6:33:18 PM PDT by Mark (Rap is to music as etch-a-sketch is to fine art.)
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To: curtisgardner

"What's the difference between a turbine engine and a pilot? The engine stops whining after the mission is over."

"How can you tell the pilot at a party? Don't worry...he'll tell you."


22 posted on 04/03/2006 6:40:18 PM PDT by SAMS (Nobody loves a soldier until the enemy is at the gate; Army Wife & Marine Mom)
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To: curtisgardner
Try this.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1290007/posts

23 posted on 04/03/2006 6:40:30 PM PDT by processing please hold (Be careful of charity and kindness, lest you do more harm with open hands than with a clinched fist)
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To: curtisgardner

Words can mean different things in different branches. Take the word "secure."

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they turn off the lights and lock the doors.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they put out sentries.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they storm the place and kill all the enemy inside.

And if you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they take out a three year lease with an option to buy.


24 posted on 04/03/2006 6:43:28 PM PDT by Our man in washington
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To: curtisgardner
Something from the Navy:

Naval Aviator:

On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head..

The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship.

The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force:

We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.

Army:

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

25 posted on 04/03/2006 6:45:10 PM PDT by KarlInOhio (If you have a leaking pipe, you shut off the water valve before deciding on amnesty for the puddles.)
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To: curtisgardner

Check out the jokes on this old thread http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a3a82c48c6fd6.htm

"A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a platoon sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a PFC monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $1000."
The platoon sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the APFT, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's an NCO monkey; it can instruct BRM, CTT, PT, D&C and SUT, and even do some paperwork. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually SEEN it do ANYTHING, but it says it's a Colonel.""

A funny true Afghan War story here: http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/604819/posts


26 posted on 04/03/2006 6:50:06 PM PDT by mrsmith
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To: pfflier

1800 is four bells. 1900 is six bells. 2000 is eight bells...


27 posted on 04/03/2006 6:52:54 PM PDT by Junior (Identical fecal matter, alternate diurnal period)
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To: curtisgardner

bumb for later....


28 posted on 04/03/2006 6:53:41 PM PDT by birddog
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To: curtisgardner

This thread is awesome.


29 posted on 04/03/2006 7:02:44 PM PDT by mysterio
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To: Junior

Thanks a lot.

"The officer of the deck sends his respect, and wishes to announce the approaching hour of 1200. All clocks and chronometers have been wound and set, request permission to strike eight bells on time."

If I had a dollar for every time that I had to say that... ;-)


30 posted on 04/03/2006 7:06:37 PM PDT by wyattearp (The best weapon to have in a gunfight is a shotgun - preferably from ambush.)
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To: SAMS
What do pilots use for birth control?

Their personality!

31 posted on 04/03/2006 7:11:42 PM PDT by Redleg Duke (Kennedy and Kerry, the two Commissars of the Peoples' Republic of Massachusetts!)
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To: curtisgardner

A crusty old Master Sergeant found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant , but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."


32 posted on 04/03/2006 7:12:02 PM PDT by Dubya-M-Dees (Mary Mapes was the first in the MSM that had to participate in an election by the people... she lost)
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To: curtisgardner
The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

33 posted on 04/03/2006 7:16:00 PM PDT by Billthedrill
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To: Our man in washington

The marine was sitting in a foxhole, bullets whizzing by overhead, explosions all around. As he sits in the mud he says " I love how it sucks here"

The Army guy sitting in a similiar foxhole says "it sucks here"

The Navy guy looking out over the water says "it sucks over there"

The Air Force guy sitting in his chair looking at the tv says "WHAT!! no cable, that sucks!


34 posted on 04/03/2006 7:17:25 PM PDT by driftdiver
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To: wyattearp

Read tagline. It was fashioned after Fed Ex commercials in the 1980's and in vogue in Minot and Grand Forks back in the day


35 posted on 04/03/2006 7:18:44 PM PDT by slapshot (""USAF- when you absolutely, positively need it delivered on target, on time, right away)
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To: wyattearp

Read tagline. It was fashioned after Fed Ex commercials in the 1980's and in vogue in Minot and Grand Forks back in the day


36 posted on 04/03/2006 7:18:45 PM PDT by slapshot (""USAF- when you absolutely, positively need it delivered on target, on time, right away)
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To: wyattearp

Read tagline. It was fashioned after Fed Ex commercials in the 1980's and in vogue in Minot and Grand Forks back in the day


37 posted on 04/03/2006 7:18:49 PM PDT by slapshot (""USAF- when you absolutely, positively need it delivered on target, on time, right away)
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To: curtisgardner

God is sitting in Heaven feeling a little bored one day.
He looks down on the Earth and notices a group of Army Rangers paddling a raft up a river.

All of the Rangers are reciting the Ranger Creed as they paddle. "Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession..."

Feeling a little mischievous, God wonders to Himself what would happen if He removes 1/4 of the brains of all the Rangers. He snaps His fingers and all of the Rangers lose 1/4 of their brains.

The Rangers just keep on paddling, still reciting the Ranger Creed, "Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession..."

Wow those guys are tough God declares. He wonders what would happen if He removes another 1/4 of their brains. Again God snaps His fingers and leaves the Rangers with only half of their brains.

The Rangers just keep on paddling, still reciting the Ranger Creed, "Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession..."

Man those guys really are tough! God can't help Himself. He wonders what would happen if He removes all of their brains. He snaps His fingers and looks to see.

There they are still paddling the raft but they begin to sing "From the Halls of Montezuma..."


38 posted on 04/03/2006 7:25:13 PM PDT by Boris99
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To: curtisgardner

LMAO @ all these BUMP!


39 posted on 04/03/2006 7:27:50 PM PDT by Thumper1960 (The enemy within: Demoncrats and DSA.ORG Sedition is a Liberal "family value".)
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To: Billthedrill

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tailboom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks.
As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We aren't done crashing yet!"


40 posted on 04/03/2006 7:31:48 PM PDT by DJtex (;)
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