Posted on 04/21/2006 11:58:28 AM PDT by Cinnamon Girl
Based on suggestions from the breaking post about Scott McClellan’s resignation, here are some auditions of the nominees so far:
Dennis Miller “President Bush and China’s President Hu Jintao met today over a passive aggressive plate of low fat Chinese chicken salad and Asian style Rice-a-roni. Hats off to the chefs down in White House kitchen for working so hard to make our foreign friends feel at home. I heard the last time Vincente Fox was here the Minutemen infiltrated the shmorg line and built a wall along the salsa/guacamole border with 700 beef enchiladas. And by the way, darn those gay parents… golly. I’m all for gay marriage, but why do they have to show up at a deeply religious ceremony like the annual White House lawn Easter Egg roll? That’s sacrosanct, folks, it’s holy… I love President Bush, bless him, but when the rainbow lei crowd crashed the party he looked like Dostoyevsky’s Raskolikov at a Cindy Sheehan book signing. Okay, who has a hard hitting question for me? Put your hand down, Big Stretch. What are you on, your fifth book fawning over the Bush Presidency? Come on, Sammon. I haven’t seen that kind of unconditional love since Orsen Welles met the gorgonzola wheel at Chasen’s all you can eat wine and cheese cornicopia… “
Triumph the Insult Dog “Oh, yes, yes, yes. I am in de all important White House Press Room. What a tremendous honor for me, very seriously. Look at all the media giants in front of me, all at the peaks of your dazzling careers, what a very big honor for me, a toy rottweiler… But you know, I’m not the only dog here today… Oh, shut up, shut de hell up, Helen, sit down, I’m not talking to you. It's not always about you, Helen. I’m talking to your little poodle Matt Cooper. What sort of doggy biscuits do you give him to follow you around like that, Helen? He doesn’t have a mind of his own. You don’t, do you, Matt? It’s okay, go ahead and ask Helen for the answer, I’ll wait… Yes, dat’s right, Matt, you have your own mind, whatever Helen says. Yes, it is an excellent mind…. For me to poop on…”
Ann Coulter “Let me go straight to your questions… yes, Martha…. I’m sorry could you repeat that?… That’s what I thought you said, but it’s such a stupid question I found it hard to believe you’d actually said it. Next question, and please, people, let’s make our questions coherent and at least loosely based in reality…” 
Ari Fleischer “Thank you for the warm welcome. I’m very pleased to be back serving President Bush as press secretary, and I’m happy to take your questions…"
Helen: "Airee, is Mister Bush going to apologize for giving press credentials to a Falun Gong activist and embarrassing President Hu? And my second question is, when will Mister Bush invite Hamas to the White House for a state dinner?"
Ari: "No, and never. Next question—"
Helen: "But Airee, Hamas was democratically elected by the Palestinian people, and Mister Bush claims to support democracy in the middle east. What does it say to the oppressed Palestinians that their elected leaders won’t be recognized by the U.S.?"
Ari: "Hamas is a gang of terrorists with blood on their hands and President Bush doesn’t want them on the White House furniture. Your question, Peter…”
Tony Snow ”I’d like to change the tone here in Washington, at least I hope, in some way, I can make a difference in improving the level of discourse—“
Anonymous press: “You suck!”
Tony:“Who said that? Anyway, it is my sincere wish that—“
Helen: “I have a question, Tony—“
Tony: “I’m not ready to take question yet—“
Helen: “Doesn’t your appointment to press secretary prove to the entire world that Fox news is bought and paid for by the Republicans? How can you claim to be fair and balanced when—“
Tony: “Let me finish my opening remarks and then—“
Matt: “Answer Helen’s question. How can you claim to be fair and balanced when you’re bought and paid for by Bush and stuff? What about that?”
Tony: “You people aren’t going to listen to anything I say, are you?”
Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham or Bill O'Reilly. (The last one just because he assuredly could call them pinheads whenever they ask stupid questions and he would lecture them constantly about 'the people').
I was thinking about Brit Hume. Any opinions?
Newt.
NORM!
There wouldn't be much difference in their intent, but I'd love to hear Ann's laugh as she mocked their stupid questions.
I second the nomination of Gen. Russell Honore, over.
I Nominate Katherine Harris. She is soo good in pictures.
****
Helen Thomas: "What is your opinion of Senator Clinton?"
********
"I think for me, the sickest and scariest kind of rage is the Hillary Clinton kind of rage. You know, the perpetual permafrost smile she wears that's hiding a well of fury deeper than Barry White's voice during a bout of pneumonia. You know what I mean, Helen?"
"And also Helen, what can you say about Hillary Clinton that hasn't already been muttered under somebody else's breath?"
"Next question."
I hereby nominate Chuck Norris
I told those guys not to rewire that room that week.
LOL
Thanks for the laugh.
Doesn't he probably do more for the country in his current position?
Yes, I know he's a Canadian citizen and a convicted drug felon. Bonus.
I nominate "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
David Gregory: "You jerk!"
P. Henry: "This press conference will stand adjuourned while Mr. Gregory and I have a little private chat."
Gregory: "Aieeeeeee" (sound of rapidly moving feet).
P. Henry: "Next question?"
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