Skip to comments.Substantial penalty for early withdrawal..
Posted on 05/24/2006 7:28:26 PM PDT by pickrell
Journalists have often been accused of ignoring good news, and with much justification. It is delightful, therefore, when positive news can be presented to the public. As we waited outside the press-room for the doors to the Democratic Caucus to be opened, we glanced at the industrial-sized bulletin board announcing:
*** This Caucus has operated for ___ days without a lost-time scandal. Keep up the good work! Remember; loose lips sink ships! That innocent-looking fellow beside you may be with the Justice Department! Let's all work to make it 8 days, this time! ***
The workman had taken down down the little cardboard 2, and now fitted the new number 3 into the slot. McDonald's hamburger record seemed safe... at least for now.
Then, the doors then swung open and we pushed and shoved our way in like adults. Up at the podium, the Democratic Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi stood waiting behind Democratic Privy Council Advisor Neville Chamberpot, who opened the remarks. I whipped out my official Freepertown Gazette notebook and prepared to transcribe.
"I must preface this by saying that Willliam J. Jefferson, the embattled Democratic Representative from New Orleans, who's freezer was recently discovered stuffed with cash, has been proven to have no ties at all to James Riady or the Lippo Group," the visibly relieved spokesman for the Democrats announced.
"We were also delighted to discover that Mr. Jefferson sold almost no last-minute pardons to any billionaires."
An efficient reporter from the New York Times challenged, "Will there be difficulties explaining the freezer full of cash?"
"Not at all," Chamberpot explained. "One of his constituents, you see, simply innocently asked Mr. Jefferson to make a bank deposit of the unmarked bills for him, since he had been ran off of the road by some madman, at 3:00 A.M., who was yelling out the window about being late for a vote, and 'to get out of my way, you peasant!'. Mr. Jefferson was merely storing the cash, you see, while his constituent called a tow truck to extract his Lexis from the ditch. You see how innocent this all was. You see?"
As most of my colleagues nodded their heads, I asked Ms. Pelosi about her take on helping out citizens carrying bags of cash. "Aren't you afraid of allowing easy access in this building for persons who conspire to violate bribery and corruption laws?"
"What...what?" Ms. Pelosi blinked violently. "Oh. Well... you see- once we get them elected, we about have to give them a key to the building..."
"Actually," Carl Cameron interjected dryly, "...he was referring to corrupt lobbyists. But since you've brought the subject up-"
It was at that point that Advisor Chamberpot quickly stepped in front of Ms. Pelosi, and speared Cameron with a look, "What Ms. Pelosi said- before you Fox News slugs mis-quote her, was that the search of Mr. Jefferson's office was totally unwarranted-"
"But," the reporter countered, "our information was that a warrant was issued..."
"-and she remarked that Mr. Jefferson deserved to tell his side of the story, just like, uhhh, like-"
"Tom Delay?" Cameron smirked.
"Yes, just like- NO! No- not like- Look...you Fox News guys just twist everything around." Neville scratched his nose, stepping back as Ms. Pelosi reclaimed the microphone. "Yeah, just like he said- I mean, just like I said."
"Why is he called the Privy Counselor anyway?" I wondered, apparently aloud. In sotte voce we barely heard Chamberman answer, "Because once it hits the fan- my unhappy job is to keep it spinning..."
"So," a CNN journalist pondered, "Will any of this hamper his effectiveness in scrutinizing future travel office workers?"
"We think not," Pelosi regained her footing. "The Republicans have shamelessly overplayed their hand in insisting that he not be convicted in the press until he has his day in court. They think to imply some hypocrisy in our incredibly effective 'Republican culture-of -corruption campaign strategy', by dragging out some old red herrings about Chinese Army money laundered into previous Democratic monk-shakedowns- er, - campaign contributions.
"Anyway, our research has confirmed that there was no controlling fiscal authority in this matter. We think it is time that we put aside the politics of personal accountability, and allow Mr. Jefferson to... 'get back to the business of the people.' I like that phrase- write that down, Neville!" A whisper of a sniff was heard behind her.
"Anyway, he will be needed when we commence impeachment proceedings against Mr. Gingrich."
"But Ms. Pelosi," a confused BBC reporter inquired, "we heard that Newt was no longer in the government?"
"Oh...." she clarified. "Well, doesn't matter. We'll find someone..."
If not for the name Neville Chamberpot, it'd be believable. :^)