Hey, Doll, You Need a Real Man

Los Angeles Times ^ | August 23, 2006 | Dean P. Johnson

[nickcarraway]

YOU CAN DRESS him up any way you want. Change his appearance to make him look like Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp or even John Wayne. Tough boy, homeboy, cowboy. It doesn't matter. Ken is still a castrated man.

Ken has always lived in the shadow of the venerable girl next door. He is an afterthought, known for nothing but being a mere accessory, sold separately. Mattel is trying to bring him back after a hiatus, but with a lobotomized grin and submissive gaze, he is the epitome of role reversal. While Barbie has been a regular career gal with a plethora of jobs — doctor, lawyer, flight attendant — Ken seems to be nothing but a foppish playboy, a passenger in the dream car of life.

ADVERTISEMENTGenerations of girls have had the opportunity to learn how to manipulate and emasculate the male species by not only giving Ken their own feminine qualities but by allowing Ken to be totally dominated by Barbie. But is that what women really want?

When I was growing up, the girls in my neighborhood all played with Barbie dolls; that category included Ken. We boys would not be caught dead playing with dolls. Even on a rainy Saturday afternoon when no other guys were around, boys couldn't stand to be around their sisters' Barbies.

We boys did not play with dolls. We played with action figures, and Ken was no action figure.

Action figures were real men: Geronimo, Gen. Custer, GI Joe. They were made from hard plastic and had cool things like a Kung Fu grip. Every nick, scratch, scrape and dent in the plastic was a badge of honor. Ken was soft plastic with shorts even your father wouldn't wear. And he had accessories of his own: shoes, tennis racket, skates.

[nickcarraway]

DEAN P. JOHNSON teaches English at Camden (N.J.) Academy Charter High School and is an adjunct professor at Rowan University in Glassboro, N.J.

[martin_fierro]

Men, marginalized.

[Trampled by Lambs]

What do you expect? Ken has no genitalia.

[woofie]

bad breath optional

[theFIRMbss]

>Hey, Doll, You Need a Real Man

Somebody should make a Bruce Campbell doll. Every woman would buy one!

[ElkGroveDan]

Action figures were real men: Geronimo, Gen. Custer, GI Joe. They were made from hard plastic

But not too hard to be blown to pieces by firecrackers strapped to their backs.

[Shaun_MD]

Most of my toys were real metal and had sharp edges. My other "toy" was a hunting rifle. God I feel so old.

[Spktyr]

Hey, even Barbie dumped Ken for a real action figure a while back:

http://www.nicoclub.com/nissan-vids/300zx-toys.mov

[Ol' Dan Tucker]

What do you expect? Ken has no genitalia.

Neither did the action figures, such as GI Joe, etc.

[calljack]

GI Joe don't need no genitalia.

[SquirrelKing]

Looks like Chevy Chase.

[GOP Poet]

bump for later

[SkyPilot]

_{*DISCLAMER: Neither product sold will actually have sex with a female. Void where prohibited.}

[Ouderkirk]

DEAN P. JOHNSON teaches English at Camden (N.J.) Academy Charter High School and is an adjunct professor at Rowan University in Glassboro, N.J.

Not for long after essentially naming Ken as a flaming fag.

[hunter112]

Neither product sold will actually have sex with a female.

And while they might take garbage from a feminazi, neither one will take out the garbage!

[digger48]

[msnimje]

Will my husband have to sit in the back seat?

[Names Ash Housewares]

"Somebody should make
a Bruce Campbell doll. Every
woman would buy one!"

Groovy.

[skinkinthegrass]

...But not too hard to be blown to pieces by firecrackers strapped to their backs......LOL! ....a fine tradition, fer sure. :^)

[Dumpster Baby]

Hey, Man, You Need A Real Doll

LOL!

[BigSkyFreeper]

But not too hard to be blown to pieces by firecrackers strapped to their backs.

A fine tradition since 1961.

[skinkinthegrass]

..as opposed to Ms. Helen Thomas???? :D
...and I won't waste bandwidth w/ her photo.

[Shaun_MD]

Think I went out with her once. Can't remember because I was drunk. (Just kidding dear, please put the bat down.)

[packrat35]

Or set on fire.

[thoughtomator]

My GI Joes used to stage commando raids against my sister's Barbie Dream House...

[Dominick]

He didn't have a lobotomized grin before?

My GI joes used to arrest Ken. We had him tied to a chair for questioning. He sang like a canary.

[Graymatter]

Get over it, man.

[Graymatter]

Transgender Barbie looks like a Kennedy. Not sure which one. But a Kennedy.

[derllak]

Lol! Are you trying to kill me? :)

[demnomo]

My Barbie's guy was my brother's G.I. Joe. Even back in the sixties, I knew Ken was a wimp.

[quark]

Santa Claus: "What do you want for Christmas, little girl?

Girl: "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe!"

Santa Claus: "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

Girl: "No, Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

[digger48]

What? you mean you didn't already experiment with Ken in Barbies dresses when you were a kid? Didn't they still make Barbie Dolls in the early '90's?

[derllak]

Never occured to me to put Barbies clothes on Ken, Digger. But if they would've had a faggot Ken when I was growing up.....oh the things I would make him do! Lol!

[digger48]

Geez, that compliment on your age flew right on by, didn't it? :)

[reg45]

But not too hard to be blown to pieces by firecrackers strapped to their backs.

Wow! A suicide-bomber action figure. That should sell well in the Middle East.

[Rte66]

Or, you can get a John Mark Karr doll ... ready for his gender re-assignment!

[derllak]

ROFL! No, I noticed, just wasn't sure you meant it (which I know you don't!) but very sweet anyway! Thank you, Grampa! ;)
Wanna pay Barbies with me, Gramps? C'mon, I KNOW you really want to!

[digger48]

Well, you know how they said those Bugs Bunny cartoons would warp us....

[derllak]

ROFL! So THAT'S why I'm so sleazy! Grampa, you're getting senile! :P