MORFORD: Dick Cheney Totally Hates You

San Francisco Chronicle ^ | November 3, 2006 | Mark Morford

[SmithL]

That shirt? Those shoes? Your kids? Hates 'em, and everything else about you, too. Can you feel it?

That shirt you're wearing right now? Chances are, Dick Cheney hates it. That car you drive? Thinks it's for whiny un-American pansies. The fact that you've probably eaten tofu and wear designer shoes and have actually had sex while standing up? Pervert heathen traitor to the real America, Dick thinks. He hates that.

Some days, Dick has trouble counting all the ways in which he hates you, the world, life. Some days, he hates the fact that there are not enough hours in the day for him to count the ways in which he hates you and all you probably stand for. This makes him sad. Which he also hates.

It is a question often asked these days: Whence comes all this dark, dank feeling in America? Why does all seem tainted and soiled and lost lo these past years? When did simply being an American turn so dour and gray, like someone poured gasoline into a big glass of Sunny Delight? Here, I firmly believe, is a great portion of your answer.

It has become a national pastime, of sorts, listing all the things and all the events and all types of people -- liberals journalists prisoners suspects foreigners Democrats moderates animals environmentalists trees pacifists 'Nam vets women clean air -- Dick Cheney hates every single day. Even Republicans are a little taken aback by the length of the list.

Recently, this dark pall has become even more evident. Cheney's trademark hate spewed forth all over the media, like smoking black roof tar,...

[SmithL]

Morfordite Alert!

`nuf said

[.cnI redruM]

Hey Morford. You and Dick should try hunting the grouse some time.

[Maceman]

Whence comes all this dark, dank feeling in America?

From hanging around with San Francisco Democrats?

[I still care]

[Rennes Templar]

Why does all seem tainted and soiled and lost lo these past years?


Ever since that stain appeared in Monica's blue dress...

[crazyhorse691]

Must be that time of the month for him. And the sad part is that that is one of his three wishes.

[reegs]

This "guy" is a real "see you next Tuesday."

[paratrooper82]

Could this troubled liberal really be talking about himself and his hate for this President, and Vice President?

[Alex Murphy]

Boy, did I need this laugh today! Thanks for posting it - notice is now served that I'm stealing it.

[johniegrad]

Projection.

[Diamond]

There's no way Morford's accusations can be true because Dick Cheney has been dead for five years and is really a 1998 Halliburton clone.

Cordially,

[MortMan]

Ms. Morford, I believe your envy of "Big Dick's" nickname has finally gotten to the point of derangement.

Does it hurt to be so stupid? It should!

[ExpatGator]

"seem tainted and soiled"

Why can't this poofter quit talking about his nether regions?

[freekitty]

This guy is a stain.

[ikka]

I get the feeling Mark Morford is the inspiration for South Park's Mr. Garrison character.

[CaptRon]

Another hissy fit from Miss Morford.

They guy's a parody of himself.

[expatpat]

....have actually had sex while standing up

Morford hasn't -- bending over, yes, but that's not standing up.

[MadIvan]

Somehow I doubt the Vice President can be bothered to reply to this hysterical pansy on meth. Morford may not be homosexual, but he certainly writes that way.

Regards, Ivan

[expatpat]

His link on Cheney "spewing forth hate" shows no hate whatsoever. You made it all up again, Morford!

[fruitintheroom]

Morford may not be homosexual

And the Pope may not be Catholic.

[DejaJude]

This proves what I've always thought, San Francisco is an open-air asylum where the crazies roam like free-range chickens.

[MadIvan]

I believe someone said he was married and had a child. Whether there was a turkey baster involved, I don't care to speculate.

Regards, Ivan

[reagan_fanatic]

He really gets off on using the word 'Dick' in his columns, doesn't she?

[Torpedogirl]

I can't believe I wasted 10 seconds reading the first couple lines of that. Nutjob.

[richardtavor]

Everytime someone posts Morford, it takes a week for the stench to wear off.

[dangus]

One little inaccuracy:

Dick Cheney doesn't actually kill people when he shoots them... :^D

"He shot a lawyer in the head, but the guy's alright. Come on, now! What is it with lawyers? Even zombies die when you shoot them in the head!"

[dangus]

>> Everytime someone posts Morford, it takes a week for the stench to wear off. <<

I'm pretty certain that kittens die, also, no?

[Kenton]

I believe someone said he was married

The slang term for that is a "beard".

and had a child.

So does Michael Jackson. He grows his own.

Morford is obsessed with Dick Cheney because he has sadomasochistic fantasies about what Cheney would do to him if he ever got him alone.

[supremedoctrine]

"Projection"

Indeed, in the Freudian sense....one reads these rants and one is reminded of the dictate "just let them keep talking, they will reveal more of themselves than you ever will..." After awhile, as the supercharged rhetoric goes on and on, one reads out of a sense of almost morbid curiosity, wondering how many MORE ways the writer will find to expose himself as a ridiculous agenda-ridden weasel. And finally I'm left with the even more irritating realization that this is what Dick Cheney gets for being the most recessive, nearly invisible, most gentlemanly Veep in recent memory. I suppose that's just ANOTHER one of the ways that "Dick Cheney hates you".

[GVnana]

Morford actually draws a paycheck for this?

[I still care]

Enjoy. We actually made T shirts from it.

[MadIvan]

Morford is obsessed with Dick Cheney because he has sadomasochistic fantasies about what Cheney would do to him if he ever got him alone.

Well that indicates Morford is stupid. Cheney would merely shoot the blighter.

Regards, Ivan

[GVnana]

ROTFLMPO!

[supremedoctrine]

Actually, he writes pretty well, and entertainingly, so I am not surprised he "draws a paycheck" for his writing.
Unfortunately, WHAT he writes has NOTHING to do with reality, nothing to do with the ostensible subjects he is writing about, and EVERYTHING to do with flattering a reading audience who are looking for an outlet for their completely NONpolitical anger and their rather severe psychological problems.

[marktwain]

I started to read this rant, then realised it was "Morford". Then it all made sense or, more correctly, nonsense.

[RichInOC]

Whence comes all this dark, dank feeling in America?

You left the door to the back room at your favorite club open?

By the way, dropping gasoline into Scummy P would almost certainly improve the taste.

[Kenton]

Well that indicates Morford is stupid. Cheney would merely shoot the blighter.

Ivan, Cheney shoots his HUNTING BUDDIES, and they make jokes about it!

If he got his hands on a poof like Morford, it would be positively medieval.

There's a reason liberals are scared of Cheney. He's one tough SOB, and a Magnificent Bastard!

[RJL]

Morfordite Alert!

Thanks, Mark's always good for a hearty laugh.

[.cnI redruM]

Yes, his kung-foo is far mightier than Mark Morford's. (The .cnI redruM Understatement of The Week)

[WashingtonSource]

Is SHE still alive?

[Always Right]

Does he get paid to write. A monkey hitting random keys would make more sense.

[fruitintheroom]

Morford is obsessed with Dick Cheney.......

Just leave off the 'Cheney' part and you've got it.

[bigjoesaddle]

LOL

[bigjoesaddle]

Ya know...if it wasn't for Cheny's bad ticker, he'd be a great president.

[daviscupper]

LOL

[Jeffrey_D.]

I just e-mailed this to the"Morbid":
(I'll keep you posted)

---

If in fact the Bush administration and the Congress are helping the terrorists recruiting efforts;
why do they want the Democrats to win the election? If indeed they're helping make their army larger ?

Regards,

Jeff

[daviscupper]

His parents must be so proud! I am against abortion but in his case I might have made an exception.

[glorgau]

I thought all the guys in San Francisco liked Dick...

[BJClinton]

Does this guy have AIDS dementia?

[Criminal Number 18F]

Is a Morfordite like a catamite? Is this the sort of reasoning one is reduced to after extensive use of human suppositories?

If he's trying to be funny, he's missing the distinction between that and "pathetic." Children can write better columns, starting at about age nine.

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F