Posted on 12/06/2006 1:47:44 PM PST by Redcitizen
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations:
A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US Armed Forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then worksfeverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing ground of professional courtesy.
I like Field Artillery and B52 options.
My pick is Armor.
> 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Ahhh yes. I was in Armor.
Crunch, crunch, crunch is the sound.
I got grunts in my sprockets going round and round.
:-)
Running over dismounted infantry is a good way to grease your treads - Go Armor!
Must've been written by some Army dude. Force Recon wouldn't get lost.
It`s not fair to compare snakes to attorneys! After all, snakes have feelings too!
I was on maneuvers one night long before the days everyone had night vision devices. We were to do a pass-through with a dismounted infantry unit. They were told to ID themselves with their flashlights using red filter. I never so so many shaky red dots!
I trained in M-1s.
Yeah, and he forgot Army Civil affairs, that build a new school for the snake, get tired, go home, and request the Navy send people to build schools for subsequent snakes.
Or Army support types: Subject everyone around the snake to ridiculous rules and regulations that no normal service member could ever comprehend.
Meanwhile, the left prepares for our new snake overlords.
And there are some things snakes won't do...
Not to mention that one can become attached to a snake....
I was on the development team for the XM-1.
MP Corps: attempts to emplace snake in hand irons. Snake resists and is administered wooden shampoo...
00. Kerry/Murtha division: Voluntarily enters snake's rectum and assists snake in jihad.
You made a d*mn good product. Thanks!
A mox nix sgt and a f....d up crew
Went down range on 42.
Turret woudn't turn and gun wouldn't fire.
Track held together with commo wire.
We had a verse for every target on range 42, but this is all I can remember.
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