How to convince a kid not to do drugs?

December 14, 2006 | self

[Ben Chad]

I have a friend, a single mom, who has a 16-year-old son who has been seduced by a group of peers into smoking marijuana. They live in an upper-middle-class town in New Jersey, a suburb of Philadelphia. The kid says that 90% of his classmates smoke dope. The mom has grounded him, taken away his computer, will not allow him to get his driving permit, tried to reason with him about legal and health consequences, and things like that. But he seems impervious to reason and says he won't stop the behavior.

[Ben Chad]

I would appreciate your ideas for how a parent can nip this in the bud. My thought was to arrange an overnight stay at the local jail, or a field trip to a prison, to try to shock him to his senses. What's a parent to do in the face of overwhelming peer pressure and a kid who is stuck-on-stupid?

[vpintheak]

Pray, and tell her to pray. If she has raised her son with the knowledge of what is right and good, and he still chooses wrong, there is not much she can do. Like I did, this kid will have to learn through experience how not to do the idiotic crap. That's all we can do.

[Indy Pendance]

Oh oh..... the single mom bashers will be here shortly to give you tons of advice.

[Darksheare]

Overnight UNSUPERVISED stay in jail.
And a stay in the 'drunk tank' with the guys who are screaming out of their heads 'tripping daisies' stoned.

[Huck]

has been seduced by a group of peers

I'd start by giving the kid more credit than that. He's not a victim. He's an actor. He is doing what he wants to do. Don't pawn the responsibility off on others.

I personally don't think the scared straight stuff is gonna work. I think 16 is a little young to be smoking pot. I'd try to convince him to treat it the same way as alcohol, and basically I'd have the same attitude towards both with a 16 yr old. I'd tell him when he graduates high school and gets out on his own, he's free. But he's not old enough to drink, and he's not old enough to smoke pot, and then I'd take the same corrective action i would take if i caught him with a 5th of Jack Daniels.

My two cents. I'm not a parent, but I did smoke pot.

[divine_moment_of_facts]

Wrong approach.. Tell the son it will make his coconuts shrink...

[stuartcr]

It sounds as if the kid has already tried it. Perhaps he hasn't experienced anything bad about it, and doesn't actually know anyone that has been harmed yet.

[sodpoodle]

Where is the father?
Can he be brought into the debate?
Are there siblings?
Take a family vacation/trip to visit out of town grandparents, aunts, cousins?
Throw a cook-out for his friends and invite their parents?

He has obviously found a place where he "belongs" so it might be time to embrace and then exert some influence on the "peers".

Hey manipulation works!

[2banana]

Bring him to an emergency room. Find people who's brains have been fried by drugs and will talk to him. Let them know this will lead to other drugs (like the MTV "Ozzy Osborne Family" to see what drugs to a brain).

Is he interested in the military. One hot piss test and you are out.

Interested in being a police officer. Have one talk about what the law will do to him if found with drugs on him (including taking away the house).

In two years he will be an adult - the best thing you can do is get him the information so he can see the consequences of his actions.

[I see my hands]

I'm not being flippant.. Watch this South Park episode.

[LdSentinal]

Any father?

If not, sick the police on him.

[The Blitherer]

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

As a general rule, try to avoid turning any disagreement with your kids into a contest of wills. At 16 he wants to show that he is an autonomous person who can do whatever he wants. Her opposition could be one of the major factors fueling his behavior.

The health effects of MJ are probably no worse than drinking and smoking. Whatever you do, don't exaggerate and don't make anything up.

The kid needs a diversion besides television and dope. What is he interested in doing? Buy him a telescope for Christmas, for instance, and take him out star gazing, go camping or skiing or take hikes in the woods. Encourage friendships with other kids who have other outlets.

[Smogger]

...nip this in the bud

*snicker*

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[Riverman94610]

As a former pot smoker,I must be honest and just say that he will probably outgrow it with age but the hard ass techniques won't work.
Fact is,we"dopers"thought we were the coolest,hippest cats to walk the face of the Earth back in 1967-69.We really felt SO superior to all the jocks and boozers.Our egos were sky high and this was especiallly intoxicating because most of us potheads were the outcasts in high school.We used pot as in the Dylan song,"the losers now will be later to win"and now WE were in the vanguard.
Sooner or later,this kid will have to get a job and get bored with sitting around high on weed listening to the Grateful Dead or whoever is hot with the trippy set now.
I haven't touched the stuff in thirty years.Don't even drink anymore either.I simply discovered it was hindering my growth as a human being and therefore I just stopped.
End of story.

[BeHoldAPaleHorse]

I would appreciate your ideas for how a parent can nip this in the bud.

Looks like it's a little late for that.

[Ramius]

It's up to the kid whether he is going to let this be just a fun little side-trip on his way to success, or it will be a spiral into a destructive lifestyle.

Most kids get through it just fine. But don't delude yourselves that there's anything you can tell him that will make a difference.

Also don't get panicky that any little dabbling in drugs is an instant failure-for-life. I knew lots of kids in high school that got stoned on lots of things. Today they're all doctors, lawyers, engineers... and doing just fine.

[april15Bendovr]

[SF Republican]

he will probably outgrow it with age but the hard ass techniques won't work. VERY GOOD

[WackySam]

You could start with these

[Larry Lucido]

Play him this from Afroman:


"Because I Got High"

I was gonna clean my room until I got high
I was gonna get up and find the broom but then I got high
my room is still messed up and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to class before I got high
I coulda cheated and I coulda passed but I got high
(La da da da da da da da da)
I am taking it next semester and I know why, (why man?) yea heyy,
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to work but then I got high
I just got a new promotion but I got high
now I'm selling dope and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay my child support but then I got high
they took my whole paycheck and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I wasn't gonna run from the cops but I was high
I was gonna pull right over and stop but I was high
(La da da da da da da da da)
Now I am a paraplegic and i know why (why man?) yea heayy,
- because I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna pay my car note until I got high
I wasn't gonna gamble on the boat but then I got high
now the tow truck is pulling away and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
- because I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna make love to you but then I got high
I was gonna eat yo ***** too but then I got high
now I'm ******* off and I know why, yea heyy,
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kids and wife because I got high
now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
- cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I'm gonna stop singing this song because I'm high
I'm singing this whole thing wrong because I'm high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
- cause I'm high [repeat 3X]

[Ramius]

If not, sick the police on him.

That'd be just about the worst thing to do. If a kid has anything on the ball at all, is college-bound, has a future... this is no time to ensure he gets introduced to the criminal-record set.

[Theresawithanh]

I'd suggest finding someone both mom and son trust who can talk honestly with him about his behavior and all of the consequences to his future. Mom telling him likely just makes him want to do it all the more, if my experience is any indication.

[gdani]

Whatever you do, don't exaggerate and don't make anything up

As some on this thread have already done.

What are his grades like? Does he have an interest in college? If he's getting good grades & stays motivated there are far worse things he can be doing.

[Wings-n-Wind]

If the kid is truly chemically addicted (unlikely) -- get professional medically supervised help ASAP...

IF THIS IS ONLY A BATTLE OF THE WILLS & CULTURES....

1. Mom shouldn't give an inch... IMHO...

2. Explain to this kid that the choices he makes now and thru age 21 or so... -- Will mark his pathway for many years to come.... if not the rest of his life.

3. Take him to a mediator he might well hear on the issues... a pastor/youth worker/grandparent/counselor; Let Mom tell him again in the presence of a reliable witness...
(A)What the rules are... &
(b) What the progressive penalties are for breaking the rules...

4. Shut down his world to school books and three changes of clothes.... one for today... one for tomorrow.. one in the wash... No outside contact -- no cell phones/pagers... no toys... No buddies/no girlfriend... zip/zilch -- nada

5. The only outside activities are school obligations -- NOT elective activities (social/intramural) -- and supervised church/youth activities... if he is so inclined....

6. If he doesn't respond -- things will soon become safety-law enforcement-related issues... the field trip to the hoosegow is a pretty good idea.... make sure they get to experience the "smell" of being in jail...

7. Explain to him in no uncertain terms... that if he is arrested and charged -- Mom will NOT bail him out ... OR hire an attorney for his defense... He will live with the consequences of his behaviors...

8. Get the kid to sign it and keep a copy posted on the bedroom door...

9. Introduce him to the USMC recruiters...

10. Have him declared an "unruly child" in the context of local/state laws... is like putting in the care of a probation officer (costs $$) without the crime... He MUST live with the court order...

Maybe some of this will help...
(I have raised 6 -- four sons -- one became a Marine... squared him away in 13 weeks... thank you Parris Island)

[divine_moment_of_facts]

That woman didn't get that way from POT! That is crack or liquor.. or both.

[LtKerst]

But he seems impervious to reason and says he won't stop the behavior.

Follow him to his friends home, then when they are all good and stoned, call the police..Since he is a minor, the crime will not stay on his record, yet it will scare the Be-Jesus! into him. and the scandal and shame of all his friends getting busted will be like Shock and awe! then tell him in 2 years he is out of the House, period.

it will hurt His parents like a knife in the heart.

but if they have the guts...He will sink or swim, and any less
will just keep him the stupid idiot he is NOW.

[Long Island Pete]

And who says that a father isnt neeed for a strong leadership role?

[Xenalyte]

Full disclosure: I am a total hardass when it comes to kids for whom (and for the deeds and misdeeds of whom) you are financially and legal responsible. (If he were 18, I'd say tough luck.)

His mother MUST attach - and enforce - consequences for the choice he wants to make.

Perhaps total supervision - to the extent of taking him to and from school, and calling to check in on his attendance every class period - and removal of ALL privileges until he passes three consecutive drug tests. That includes phone, TV, Internet, video games, and school extracurricular activities. NOTHING that is not education-related (and no, sports are NOT education-related).

Remove everything from his room except three pair of jeans, three white shirts, underwear, and the mattress.

Search what's left in the room daily, or more frequently.

[Xenalyte]

Dude, Sam, that woman's a meth addict. Pot alone cannot do that to someone.

[Tijeras_Slim]

Pot's a gateway drug... it led me to corn chips, which I still abuse to excess.

[Xenalyte]

I cannot even begin to estimate the amount of chips and salsa I have consumed as a result of opening that particular gateway.

Not to mention the Zingers. Oh, the humanity!

[mysterio]

That pic is meth, not pot.

I agree with the poster who said don't exaggerate. They get enough exaggerated lies at school from the health teachers. Once they find out that it's a lie, they disregard all of it and that puts them at risk of trying harder drugs.

[april15Bendovr]

[From many - one.]

I read 27 replies and not one said listen to the kid.

Ask him why he's doing it. What does he get out of it.

Friendly tone but keep asking until there's an answer to work with.

Hysteria is not effective.

[dfwgator]

LOL! I was just going to post a Mr. Mackey picture.

[Howard Jarvis Admirer]

I agree with your list - but you left out step 11. Military Boarding School for a troubled teen and a Teen Boot Camp for a defiant teen. For more info on this, check out: http://blog.troubledteen.us/public/blog/134703 Once he turns 18, the parents lose control and he can slip into the drug world.

[newcthem]

Unlike most of the other posters, I don't have the answer, my son and I went thru this and I lost. Best I can do is to say that by the time you find out, it is almost too late. We went through the courts and local "treatment" centers and that proved to be a real joke...........the "councilors" teach them how to pass a drug test. All that is is a revenue generator for the programs and LE systems.

A friend shipped his kid off to a military style boarding school at the first sign of trouble, and his boy is doing well, stays off drugs and likes his parents. So you can fix the problem.

Best advice I could give is to get real serious about the problem real fast, stay on their ass, and pray.

[wafflehouse]

uh, wha?

[spacejunkie]

oooh! ooooh! I know! I know! Get the frickin kid a DAD!

How novel.

This society has SO discounted the value of fathers to children, it's pathetic.

[traderrob6]

That should work!

[dirtboy]

I would appreciate your ideas for how a parent can nip this in the bud.

Ask the kid what he wants to do with his life. Encourage him to go in that direction. And show that pot is not generally conducive towards moving in that direction, unless he wants to flip burgers for a living.

Sometimes the best shock treatment of all is to get the kid a job and show him what he'll be stuck doing for years if he doesn't get at least some college education.

But also, don't B.S. the kid. And realize that pot impacts different people differently. I would have the mom sit down with the kid and talk frankly - are the kid's grades going down as a result? (happens to some and not the others). How often does the kid smoke pot - is he a stoner or just smokes from time to time? Is he missing class?

If the kid is not being severely impacted, it requires less intervention than if the kid is completely tuning out from school.

And frankly, I would be far more concerned about a kid with an alcohol problem - that often leads to dead teenage drivers.

[Darksheare]

Basically, it's the therapy given in A Clockwork Orange, only without the eyedrops and other goodies.

[spacejunkie]

LOL! I thought pot was a golden arches drug.

[wafflehouse]

DO NOT sick the police on him

[TKDietz]

"Since he is a minor, the crime will not stay on his record..."

This is false. His juvenile records will end up being sealed but not destroyed. If he wants to be in the military, be a stockbroker, or in most states at least if he wants to be a lawyer, his juvenile arrests can come back to haunt him. There are probably several other jobs or licenses like that. I only know for sure about these three because I've done them all.

[LdSentinal]

Well, since two people say this I will trust your judgement.

[SQUID]

No answer will be the magic answer. Discipline as a parent is very important. Say what you mean and mean what you say or you're cooked. If you give in to nonsense you will be cooked. If you try to be the cool mom, you're cooked.

Well, is it impossible to get some other parents involved? Preferably the parents of his friends. Does the mom have a brother or any exemplary male figure?

His pot smoking stat is way off anyway.

The fact of the matter is that he is seeking some sort of escape from his personal challenges. He needs to be taught to face things head on and not depend upon others or anything to achieve success or happiness. Happiness is a choice and so is success.

He can deal with the lack of a father figure negatively and be bitter about it or face it and move on. There are many who lived through much worse in life and didn't need pot to deal with it. Weak people need supplements to deal with reality.

Discipline and the courage to stand alone in a crowd of pot smokers is found in the local Synagogue or Church.

Involve him in activities that have a majority of people that don't do pot. He will slowly see that he doesn't need a supplement to deal with reality.

The fact is, pot smoking is against the law. There should be no exception. If he were to get caught it will be there when he tries to get into school or get a job.

[sodpoodle]

"I don't have the answer, my son and I went thru this and I lost".

Newc
Yours is the advice I would follow.

Sorry you had to lose.

sp

[RockinRight]

That won't help. His answers will be variations of:

"it's fun."

"everyone else has done it"

"I don't care"