"My wife cut me down to one time a month. I guess I shouldn't feel so bad because she cut off the other two guys completely."
"I got in a cab the other night. I asked the driver to take some place where I could get some action. He took me to my house!"
These days I'm satisfied if I can get into a tight parking space.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
Just before he died I remember him saying as he was admitted to the hospital, "If things go well, I'll be out in two weeks, if they don't, I'll be out in two hours."