Posted on 03/19/2007 2:02:03 PM PDT by Caleb1411
Welcome to "Ask Mister Language Person," written by the foremost leading world authority on the proper grammatorical usagality of English, both orally and in the form of words. In this award-winning column, which appears nocturnally, we answer the grammar and vocabulary questions that are on the minds of many Americans just before they pass out.
Today, as is our wont, we begin with our first question:
Q. You have a wont?
A. Yes, but we comb our hair such that you cannot see it.
Q. With regards to the old spiritual song, "Gwine Jump Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale of Cotton," why is the singer gwine jump down and turn around first?
A. He is hoping that he gwine pull a hamstring, and somebody else gwine have to pick the bale of cotton.
Q. I work in Customer Service, and my co-workers and I are having a big debate about whether we should say that your call is "very" important to us, or "extremely" important to us. We argue about this all day long! My question is, how do we stop these stupid phones from ringing?
A. Someone will answer your question "momentarily."
Q. I am a speechwriter for a leading presidential candidate, and I need to know which is correct: "integrity OUT the wazoo," or "integrity UP the wazoo."
A. We checked with both the Oxford English Dictionary and the Rev. Billy Graham, and they agree that the correct word is "wazooty."
Q. I have trouble remembering the difference between the words "whose" and "who's." Should I put this in the form of a question?
A. In grammatical terminology, "who's" is an interlocutory contraption that is used to form the culinary indicative tense.
(Excerpt) Read more at jewishworldreview.com ...
Isn't education wonderful!?
Yepp I shur lurned alot in my twelv yeerz of publik skool.
"an article from the Richmond Times-Dispatch concerning a dump-truck driver who "dropped more than 59,000 pounds of processed human excrement on Interstate 295" and was charged with "failure to contain his load."
Having seen other Mr. Language Person columns, I love Dave Barry's "grammatorical" constructs: "third-person corpuscular imprecation," "subcutaneous invective noun," "participial infarction," and "fricative infundibular tense."
There's another Dave Barry "grammar" note in #6. He usually writes the Mr. Language Person columns about twice a year, although I haven't seen them too often lately.
Yup, 'n how to put a condom on a cucumber and also thet firners are better 'n usns.
BTTT
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