Skip to comments.Doug Giles: The Ten Commandments for My Daughter’s Potential Boyfriends
Posted on 07/01/2007 10:12:22 AM PDT by wagglebee
God, in His providence, has seen fit to bestow upon my wife and me two beautiful girls that we must steward into greatness. It has been a blast watching my daughters develop into righteous and rowdy, gorgeous girls. The thing that sucks with their metamorphosis into womanhood is the guys whove begun to buzz around our happy nest interested in my ladies.
As much as I dont like the idea of their dating, I have got to suck it up and accept it (bartender, Ill have a shot of whiskey). All you dads who are worth your salt and give a crap about your kid . . . you know how hard it is to let your girls go (Ill take another shot, please).
Even though Im slowly coming to grips with my kids growing up, Im not throwing out my brain and becoming a hip and groovy dad who curls up in the corner in the fetal position without an opinion regarding their dating life.
Not only do I have an opinion regarding wannabe suitors, I have 10 commandments for potential boyfriends. Yes, seeing that Im still the Alpha dog of the Giles castle, that I still pay the bills, buy the SUVs, pay for College and secure their condos, then by God, Im still makin the rules. I am Doug Almighty, got that Rico Suave? What Im about to reveal unto you is an attitude-laden afflatus, so . . . be afraid. Herewith are my 10 commandments for my daughters potential boyfriends. Read them and weep.
1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesnt make me happy. Young squire, dont expect me to be giggly when I meet you. As a matter of fact, youre ruining my life right now. Therefore, dont try to be cute with me. That stuff may work on my daughter or my wife, but it does not work with me.
Actually, you should expect nothing from me in the way of the warm and fuzzies. Youve got to earn that. I dont care who you are or who your momma is. Your presence represents a transition that Im not really ready for, so just stay the heck back and be real cool. And know this: Ive got a PI doing a background check on you right now.
2. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky. Let me spell it out for you just in case you dont get it. You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life.
Additionally, you must be pursuing said noble goal at Mach2 with your hair on fire. If youre a slacking, blame-shifting, visionless slug with genital warts whos waiting for someone to carry them into greatness and who lives by the dictates of his ding dong, then you need to find a girl who doesnt have a father like me.
3. Thou shall not touch my daughter, or Ill tear your hands off and youll have to whip the bishop with a stub. Not only am I not cool with your being around me, Im sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter. Therefore, when youre in my space (and in my absence) youd better treat my daughters with the utmost respect.
Do not under any circumstance hang all over my daughter, fondle my daughter or soul kiss my kid until you have a wedding ring on her finger, a joint checking account and MMA at Wachoviaor I will shove your Justin Timberlake backside off my 3rd floor balcony first chance I get, capisce?
4. Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I dont care how Snoop Dog acts and what youve seen on MTV or in the movies. If you come into my house mumbling, with your shades on and texting the entire time youre around me, youre probably going to be spending the next couple of days in ICU.
I want eye contact. I want you to see my soul, son. I want to look you in the eye when I communicate things regarding my girls and their lives. So, take the shades off, Hollywood. In addition, if and when I extend my hand, grab it like you mean it. Where I come from, a limp hand shake = limp life, Twinkle Toes. Also, when youre at my casa, your phone goes on vibrate. Im sure youll like that.
5. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Heres some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. Ive been in many fights. Ive shot at felons. I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. Ive spent years in Tae Kwon Do. Ive traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses. You, on the other hand, use Proactiv and drive a Ford Focus; therefore, you will call me Mr. Giles and my wife Mrs. Giles until we tell you any different.
Also, dont gush around me nor attempt to read me an entry from your journal. Im not Oprah or one of your metrosexual buddies that you can share all of your inner fears and deepest needs with. I am a Neanderthal.
6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you withyou dig?
7. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if youre smart. One great way to earn my favor is to buy it. Yes, youd be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.
For example; I like high quality cigars (nothing below a 90), Johnnie Walker Blue Label, Chimay Grand Reserve, books on hunting Africa and old British double rifles. I also like original art work, R&B and classic rock compilations, collecting skulls, hunting and big game fishing trips, antique Christian and Classic books, custom choppers and early twentieth century African safari memorabilia.
Who knows . . . I might, might, ask you to join me for a nice cigar session with me and the boys if thou comest bearing such offerings.
8. Thou shall understand that if youre dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, Im comfortable enough with kicking your butt. Im not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.
9. Thou shall keep your word. If you say youre going to do something, then I expect you to do it. You see, Im looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that youre ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support.
10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve. Im looking for a sacrificial dude who doesnt mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. Now, go get me a beer.
I find the coarseness rather off-putting, but sometimes he’s funny.
“I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me”
That explains a lot. What a jerk.
Boy, Doug, are you in for a shock. It just doesn’t work that way.
Your daughter is going to break your heart no matter what silly rules you invent. A good man will simply learn to deal with it, however painful.
I wonder if his daughters talk like that.
Yeah, he is a little too direct at times.
Honestly, the lesson I would have taken from this is to cut him out of the loop as much as possible and to encourage his daughter to do the same. Of course she probably already feels like that.
Note to Self: forward to my granddaughter’s dad - my son.
Thou shall not touch my daughter, or Ill tear your hands off and youll have to whip the bishop with a stub.
I know it's to get attention to his message, and it must work for some audience, but it doesn't for me.
(My daughter has five younger brothers. We don't need rules about boyfriends.)
If they do, that will drive away plenty of decent young men.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
Good luck to the daughters.
Doug, that ship sailed long ago.
I like that one.
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Wonderful! I’m giving it to my sons. One man in church said to buy a big mean dog to protect his daughter from all the men because she’s so beautiful. This oughtta do it.
Why do you say that? He’s been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb. That’s good enough for me, in spite of his coarseness, which I’ll just let God handle.
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