Today's Toons 7/2/07

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg dropped hints this past weekend that he may be open to running for president. This morning he attended a breakfast that raised twelve million dollars to get his campaign rolling. He dined alone with his checkbook.

The Pentagon's e-mail system was infiltrated by a hacker Thursday and all the computers got shut down. The hacker didn't get hold of any top secret stuff. Both the Washington Post and New York Times had sold out on the newsstands by that time of day.

Bill Clinton said Thursday his role in his wife's Sopranos spoof video was not a signal he'll take a bigger role in her primary campaign. His assigned role for the next eight years is that of faithful, supportive spouse while his wife is the star. Bill Clinton couldn't be any more in prison if he were out on the golf course with O.J.

Hillary Clinton flew to Arkansas Saturday to headline a state Democratic Party dinner. They always loved her for being a great sport. She toured the Oval Office replica in the Bill Clinton Library and looked under the desk just for old times' sake.

Teddy Kennedy sang a song in Spanish on a Hispanic radio station, where he was appearing to promote immigration reform Monday. It was a drinking song that paid tribute to Guadalajara. The great senators are always thinking three elections ahead.

GOP Senator Richard Lugar turned on the administration's Iraq policy Tuesday, saying the policy threatens U.S. security. The president is in trouble. You know a policy is too aggressive if a guy with the same name as a German pistol is against it.

The White House announced that President Bush will meet with Mexican President Felipe Calderon next month. They have to discuss the growing problem of illegal immigration. The two presidents agreed to meet in Mexico's capital city, Los Angeles.

Hillary Clinton spoke to the Center for American Security about foreign affairs at a Washington D.C. hotel Wednesday. She's not as interesting as her husband. When Bill Clinton discussed affairs at a Washington D.C. hotel, he sold a lot of newspapers.

Fred Thompson drew wild applause in South Carolina Wednesday saying he opposed illegal immigration and terrorism. What a healer. It's possible to win both the white vote and black vote in South Carolina if you campaign against Arabs and Mexicans.

Iranians rioted in Teheran over gas rationing Wednesday. Angry citizens burned gas stations in protest. The Iranian government wouldn't have to deal with an informed citizenry if they would allow their starlets to drink and run around without underwear.

-- Argus Hamilton

BILL OF NO RIGHTS

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, deluded, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, change the channel, or express a different opinion, but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:
You don't have the right to a job. Sure, all of us want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

-- Lewis Napper

Great Orators of the Democratic Party

"One man with courage makes a majority."--attributed to Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."--Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here."--Harry S. Truman

"A rising tide lifts all boats."--John F. Kennedy

"People aren't boats and the economy isn't an ocean. And if you can't afford a boat, the rising tide goes up your nose."--Barney Frank

-- James Taranto, Best Of The Web Today

The Fairness Doctrine is affirmative action for liberalism.

-- Newt Gingrich

SUPERSIZED

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(Thank you, Dan Lacey [faithmouse.com])

(Thank you, No Blue States)

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