Skip to comments.Jokes Only
Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.
Top 10 questions to ask the Democrat candidates for President:
10) If we cant drill, cant refine, cant mine, cant build nuclear power plants and cant burn fossil fuels, how can we become energy independent? I mean besides returning America to the Stone Age.
9) If we start burning our food to avoid upsetting a few caribou, what will we eat next and how much will it cost compared to a gallon of ethanol?
8) Since our federal government has never failed to increase their original projected budget, or outspend that budget no matter how many times its been increased, why should we believe that you are going to lower the cost of health care if we let you manage that?
7) Arent you the folks who came up with the HMO?
6) If Cheryl Crow believes in one square of tissue per wipe, does she believe in one mini-pad per period and isnt she on your team?
5) If America has already lost in Iraq, who won and when will we face the victor again?
4) If the people are so stupid that they need you to take care of their most fundamental needs, how do you feel about being elected by the dumbest people in America?
3) If illegal immigration was the key to Americas multi-cultural success, was legal immigration a blot on that record?
2) If Hillary Clinton cant make her husband behave like a decent human being, why should we believe that she has the backbone to make Iran, North Korea, Syria, China or Russia behave?
1) Can anyone run for president now, or does affirmative action limit it to just empty suits from Illinois with no resume who have a Muslim sounding name? _____
A Michigan State Trooper stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the Trooper (after being told to remain in the car). The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the Trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the Troopers ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The Trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship Mouth and Rowboat A$$".
The tirade goes on without the Trooper saying anything. When he gets done with printing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A$$hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the Trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks the Trooper, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
Trooper responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
Trooper: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined.
Attorney: What does the AH stand for, Trooper?
Trooper: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."
Attorney: Aggressive and hostile?"
Trooper: "Yes Sir.
Attorney: Trooper, are you sure it doesn't stand for A$$hole?
Trooper: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!
Take my wife, please.
What`s Irish and sits outside?
Thanks-you. I`ll be here all week. Be sure to enjoy the buffet.
He gets taller.
What dresses like a man, sounds like a man, looks like a man and ends every speech with ACK ACK -ACK -ACK-ACK?
Q. Knock knock.
A. Who’s there?
Q. Control Freak. Now you say, “Control Freak Who?”
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks. “How much for a beer?”
The Bartender says. “For you? No Charge.”
Bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here!"
Mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fungi."
"A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game.The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls. "The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with prrride,mon...walk with prrride!"
Whenever I'm out in one of my kilts I can count on being asked "The Question", i.e. "What do you wear underneath your kilt?
My response: "At my age....Depends!"
Once Jesse Jackson was asked what he thought about Beirut. He thought about it, and said He was a good home run hitter, but not as good as Barry Bonds!
A. Who’s there?
Q. A psychic
A. A psychic who?
Q. I knew you’d say that.
No!,that's not what we do here!.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.’
Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’ The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, ‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’
He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ...’ he said with a deep sigh... ‘Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’
thank you. I'm here all week. tip your waiters and bartender. drive safe.
The crowd is about to stone Mary Magdalene, when Jesus steps forward and says,
"Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone."
From the back of the crowd comes a big rock, over Jesus' head, 'bam' hits Mary Magdalene square between the eyes. Down she goes.
Jesus does a slow turn, looks back to see the thrower and says,
"Mom! Stop following me around - You're embarrassing me!" :)
(The following is slightly “blue” so stop reading if you are easily offended)
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have breasts bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, “the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”
Satisfied with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “things” than his dad does.
She replies, “The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.”
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again and promptly tells mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”