Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.
New York City has 11 letters.
Afghanistan has 11 letters.
Ramsin Yuseb, the terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993, has 11 letters.
George W Bush has 11 letters.
This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
New York is the 11th state
The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11
Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77, which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65
passengers. 6+5=11
The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11, as it is now known.
9+1+1=11
The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number
911. 9 + 1 + 1 =11
Sheer coincidence? Read on and make up your own mind:
The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year
Again 2 + 5 + 4= 11.
The Madrid bombing took place on
3/11/2004.
3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4=11.
The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.
Now this is where things get totally interesting:
The most recognized symbol for the US after the Stars & Stripes is The Eagle.
The following verse is taken from the quran, the islamic holy book:”For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be feltthroughout the lands of allah. While some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace.”
That verse is number 9.11 of the quran.
Unconvinced about all of this still?
Try this and see how you feel afterwards
Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
Type Q33 NY in capital letters.
This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin
Towers.
Highlight the Q33 NY.
Change the font size to 48.
Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS.
What do you think now?
Pillsbury Doughboy Goes to the Great Oven in the Sky
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough, and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
_____
TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day.
10. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting Better.
7. I Wouldn’t take her to a Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
6. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I’m So Miserable without you, It’s like You’re Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I’d Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
And the number 1 Country Song is:
1. I Ain’t Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women- But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
_____
Study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her life cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Whoa...that 11 stuff is scary. Especially the Wingdings thing.
Here’s another one: The London terrorist attacks were on 7/7/2005. 7+7-5+2 = 11. (7+7=14. 14-5=9. 9+2=11)
LOL!!
Oh, and even the number 11 looks like the Twin Towers.
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary
6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They’re home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt
for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. *******s!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the
other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to
return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I
observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he
reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him
in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
If you take your cat to the vet, see if he is using a B-D Rectal Themometer. If he is find another vet.
They’ve found tuna-fish in the mercury.
Thanks for the input - luckily this is a joke thread so snopes is N/A.
Perhaps you should run all of these statements by snopes:
You know you live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You know you live in New York when...
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is “nature.”
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You’ve worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You know you live in Alaska when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You know you live in the Deep South when...
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. “Ya’ll” is singular and “all ya’ll” is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, “You ain’t from ‘round here, are ya?”
4. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.
You know you live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
You know you live in the Midwest when...
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
You know you live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
guy speeds up 85,90,95,120...cop still chasin & gainin...guy has no more pedal left, so he slows down, pulls over and stops...waiting for the hammer to fall.
Cop says:
I’m at the end of my shift and I was going into the station, when I saw you were only speeding a little and I was only going to give you a warning.
Then you sped up.... now I have to go through all the paperwork, impound your car, take you in for an overnight.
It’s been a rough shift, I’m tired and I want to go home...tell my why I shouldn’t lock you up ?
Guy says: Last week my wife ran off with a state cop...I thought you were trying to bring her back.
Cop says: sir, you’re free to go, have a nice night.
A man walks into a trendy new restaurant, and asks to be seated. The Maitre’d tells him it will be an hour wait, and asks him to sit in the lounge.
While sitting there a robot walks over and addresses the man saying
” Hi I am R63d, I am a new prototype courtesy android sent over to converse with you while you wait for your table. What is your IQ?”
The man replies 168, immediately the robot starts ot converse with him about economics, world politics, and global warming.
The man is so astounded by this that he decides to come back the next day.
He comes in and again is asked to wait, the robot comes over, only this time the man tells him that his IQ is 100.
The robot immediately engages him in conversation about the latest sports scores, NASCAR, and fishing.
The man leaves, equally impressed, decides to return the next day.
As the man takes his seat to wait for a table, the robot comes over and asks what his IQ is. The man replies 50.
The robot leans over and very slowly whispers in the guys ear,
“your people aren’t going to nominate Hillary are they?”
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant.
She is furious... Here she’s in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?”
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, “Did you hear me?”
Finally she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper,he says, “Who is this?”
I don’t believe in numerology, but this is really weird.
The rules for men:
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
Add this to the “You know you live in Florida when...”
6. The highest point of elevation you’ve ever been on is about 100 feet
Ah, being twenty was fun.
Grown ups don’t play those games, you know.
One family, one goal, we work together.
absolutely! :D
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