Skip to comments.Jokes Only
Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. (For that matter, yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.)
2. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
3. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. And besides, Dogs are better than cats, period.
4. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
5. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. Besides, you have more than enough clothes in the closet. Just look past the acres and acres of shoes!
6. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
7. Yes, its about time you admit it to yourself: Your brother is an idiot.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Check your damn oil! If you wait for the little light on the dash to light up, ITS TOO LATE!
10. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
11. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
12. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
14. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99.
Hot Breakfast: $4.20.
Two Aspirins: $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Although I’m not Jewish, I am a vegetarian (health reasons) so no canned ham, please.
Murphys Laws of Combat
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke
3. Friendly fire ain’t.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don’t be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to ‘occupant’.
18. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets...printed at different scales...uphill...and in the rain.
19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare.
20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
24. Tracer works both ways.
25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
26. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact.
Attributed to Napoleon
27. Boldness becomes rarer the higher the rank.
Karl von Clausewitz
28. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he’s fallen back too far.
32. It isn’t necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
33. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy.
Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
34. Only numbers can annihilate.
Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
35. Always know when it’s time to get out of Dodge.
36. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
37. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
38. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There’s a difference.
39. Always honor a threat.
40. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
41. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant.
Charles Edward Montague
42. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
43. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
44. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)
45. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander.
46. All warfare is based on deception.
Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
47. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
Otto von Bismark
48. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.
49. Five-second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
50. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
51. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
52. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
53. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
54. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
55. When in doubt empty the magazine.
56. Snow is not neutral.
Frunze Military Academy
57. The B-52 is the ultimate close air support weapon.
Sunday’s sermon was-—Forgive Your Enemies.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones?”; “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.
How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight.” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
“I outlived the bitches.”
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section —
Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you —
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it —
Buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want —
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies —
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores —
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually —
Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Buy a cat!
(You thought I was talking about men didn’t you!)
Cat are the devil’s pet.
Cat are the devil’s pet.
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding
gown for her fourth wedding. “Of course, madam,” replied the sales
“exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”
The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”The sales
clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong
way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s
directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-tim e bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I
got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night
for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good
it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone”.
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
“This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
“I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
“Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
“When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook”.
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing.
When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her”.
Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter’s “gatekeeping” questions.
“And what area of health care were you involved with?” he asked the first. “I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,” the man replied.
“Excellent,” said St. Peter, “how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward.”
“And you?” Peter asked the second.
“I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms.”
“A noble calling, indeed,” said Peter, “you’re in!”
“What about you?” he asked the third.
“Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan.”
St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: “I’ve got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days.”
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.
A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates, to be greeted by St. Peter and a wall full of clocks. He asked St. Peter, what are these clocks? St. Peter replied, These are “lie clocks”, the hands move each time a person tells a lie. See, over here is Mother Teresa’s clock, the hands have never moved. And over here is Abe Lincoln’s clock, and one hand has only moved a little.
The man asked, Where is Hillary Clinton’s clock? St. Peter replied, Oh, it’s in Jesus’ office, He’s using it as a ceiling fan.
1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops, AND they would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" crap.
6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions".
10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. After all, when was the last time you priced out strippers and an open bar policy?
13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.
14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her backside.
16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.
17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
And finally the invitations would read as follows...
A Dog says: “Wow, master! You have adopted me as your own pet. You feed me and groom me and let me run around in the back yard to fulfill my necessary duties. You gave me a collar with my name on it, you pet me and let me sit in your lap, and you’ve given me my own house. You must be God!”
A Cat says: “Wow, master! You have adopted me as your own pet. You feed me and groom me and have given me a litter box to fulfill my necessary duties. You gave me a collar with my name on it, you pet me and let me sit in your lap, and you’ve given me my own house. I must be God!”
Finally! A joke that that involves NOT having sex.
Clever or not?
Mom: Lets review your math son.
Son: Sure mom.
Mom: If I give you an apple and Daddy gives you another one, what’s the answer?
Son: Thank you very much!
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Not to worry,” Peter said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”
“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”
“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”
“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”
After a lengthy study, A Penn State Professor has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail and thread posts with their hand on the mouse.
Dont bother taking it off now, its too late.