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Me | Today | Me

Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora

Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: chatroom; humor; jokes; notnews
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To: cuz_it_aint_their_money

Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter’s “gatekeeping” questions.

“And what area of health care were you involved with?” he asked the first. “I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,” the man replied.

“Excellent,” said St. Peter, “how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward.”

“And you?” Peter asked the second.

“I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms.”

“A noble calling, indeed,” said Peter, “you’re in!”

“What about you?” he asked the third.

“Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan.”

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: “I’ve got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days.”


261 posted on 08/15/2007 3:45:43 PM PDT by Sonora
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To: Sonora

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8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.


262 posted on 08/16/2007 7:34:35 AM PDT by Sonora
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To: Sonora

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates, to be greeted by St. Peter and a wall full of clocks. He asked St. Peter, what are these clocks? St. Peter replied, These are “lie clocks”, the hands move each time a person tells a lie. See, over here is Mother Teresa’s clock, the hands have never moved. And over here is Abe Lincoln’s clock, and one hand has only moved a little.

The man asked, Where is Hillary Clinton’s clock? St. Peter replied, Oh, it’s in Jesus’ office, He’s using it as a ceiling fan.


263 posted on 08/16/2007 7:48:32 AM PDT by Sonora
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To: Sonora
Well, we all know what weddings organized by women are like, so the ultimate question is: What would a wedding organized by men be like?

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops, AND they would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" crap.

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. After all, when was the last time you priced out strippers and an “open bar” policy?

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her backside.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

And finally the invitations would read as follows...

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
Yep, he's getting married!

He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him, for the rest of his life, at:
Soldier Field Stadium
On the 50 Yard Line
At Half-time during Sunday's Game

Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

264 posted on 08/16/2007 8:13:39 AM PDT by cuz_it_aint_their_money (Fred Thompson & Duncan Hunter in '08)
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To: Sonora

A Dog says: “Wow, master! You have adopted me as your own pet. You feed me and groom me and let me run around in the back yard to fulfill my necessary duties. You gave me a collar with my name on it, you pet me and let me sit in your lap, and you’ve given me my own house. You must be God!”

A Cat says: “Wow, master! You have adopted me as your own pet. You feed me and groom me and have given me a litter box to fulfill my necessary duties. You gave me a collar with my name on it, you pet me and let me sit in your lap, and you’ve given me my own house. I must be God!”


265 posted on 08/17/2007 6:19:28 PM PDT by DaveLoneRanger ("Being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.")
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To: cuz_it_aint_their_money

Finally! A joke that that involves NOT having sex.


266 posted on 08/17/2007 6:54:01 PM PDT by DaveLoneRanger ("Being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.")
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To: DaveLoneRanger

Clever or not?

Mom: Lets review your math son.
Son: Sure mom.
Mom: If I give you an apple and Daddy gives you another one, what’s the answer?
Son: Thank you very much!

Confession

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”

And she says, “So have I, love.”

To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
_____

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Not to worry,” Peter said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”


267 posted on 08/18/2007 8:45:08 AM PDT by Sonora
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To: Sonora

After a lengthy study, A Penn State Professor has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail and thread posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.


268 posted on 08/20/2007 2:19:51 PM PDT by Sonora
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