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Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora

Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: chatroom; humor; jokes; notnews
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Here's some humor to start:

Top 10 questions to ask the Democrat candidates for President:

10) If we can’t drill, can’t refine, can’t mine, can’t build nuclear power plants and can’t burn fossil fuels, how can we become “energy independent”? I mean besides returning America to the Stone Age.

9) If we start burning our food to avoid upsetting a few caribou, what will we eat next and how much will it cost compared to a gallon of ethanol?

8) Since our federal government has never failed to increase their original projected budget, or outspend that budget no matter how many times its been increased, why should we believe that you are going to lower the cost of health care if we let you manage that?

7) Aren’t you the folks who came up with the HMO?

6) If Cheryl Crow believes in one square of tissue per wipe, does she believe in one mini-pad per period and isn’t she on your team?

5) If America has already lost in Iraq, who won and when will we face the victor again?

4) If the people are so stupid that they need you to take care of their most fundamental needs, how do you feel about being elected by the dumbest people in America?

3) If illegal immigration was the key to America’s multi-cultural success, was legal immigration a blot on that record?

2) If Hillary Clinton can’t make her husband behave like a decent human being, why should we believe that she has the backbone to make Iran, North Korea, Syria, China or Russia behave?

1) Can anyone run for president now, or does affirmative action limit it to just empty suits from Illinois with no resume’ who have a Muslim sounding name? _____

A Michigan State Trooper stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the Trooper (after being told to remain in the car). The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the Trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the Troopers ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The Trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship Mouth and Rowboat A$$".

The tirade goes on without the Trooper saying anything. When he gets done with printing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A$$hole!"

Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the Trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks the Trooper, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?

Trooper responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?

Trooper: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined.

Attorney: What does the AH stand for, Trooper?

Trooper: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Attorney: Aggressive and hostile?"

Trooper: "Yes Sir.

Attorney: Trooper, are you sure it doesn't stand for A$$hole?

Trooper: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!

1 posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:04 PM PDT by Sonora
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To: Sonora

Take my wife, please.


2 posted on 07/25/2007 3:36:27 PM PDT by Para-Ord.45
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To: Para-Ord.45

What`s Irish and sits outside?

Padi O`Furniture.


3 posted on 07/25/2007 3:37:14 PM PDT by Para-Ord.45
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To: Sonora

Obama


4 posted on 07/25/2007 3:37:24 PM PDT by DB
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To: Para-Ord.45

Thanks-you. I`ll be here all week. Be sure to enjoy the buffet.


5 posted on 07/25/2007 3:37:49 PM PDT by Para-Ord.45
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To: Para-Ord.45
What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?

He gets taller.

6 posted on 07/25/2007 3:39:55 PM PDT by tacticalogic ("Oh bother!" said Pooh, as he chambered his last round.)
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To: Sonora

What dresses like a man, sounds like a man, looks like a man and ends every speech with ACK ACK -ACK -ACK-ACK?


7 posted on 07/25/2007 3:40:36 PM PDT by ronnie raygun (I'd rather be hunting with dick than driving with ted)
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To: Para-Ord.45

Q. Knock knock.

A. Who’s there?

Q. Control Freak. Now you say, “Control Freak Who?”


8 posted on 07/25/2007 3:40:47 PM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: Sonora
One Atom says to another Atom. “I lost an electron.”
The Second Atom asks. “Are you sure?”
The First Atom says. “I’m Positive.”

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks. “How much for a beer?”
The Bartender says. “For you? No Charge.”

9 posted on 07/25/2007 3:42:29 PM PDT by Lost Dutchman ("Weep for the future Na'Toth, Weep for us all." (G'Kar-Babylon 5))
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To: Sonora
A mushroom walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here!"

Mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fungi."

10 posted on 07/25/2007 3:45:04 PM PDT by GSWarrior
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To: Sonora
One of my favorites, being of Scottish ancestory, myself.

"A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game.The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls. "The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with prrride,mon...walk with prrride!"

11 posted on 07/25/2007 3:45:42 PM PDT by dynachrome (Henry Bowman is right.)
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To: Sonora
In the "other" catagory...and based on real life because I sometimes wear a kilt.

Whenever I'm out in one of my kilts I can count on being asked "The Question", i.e. "What do you wear underneath your kilt?

My response: "At my age....Depends!"

prisoner6

12 posted on 07/25/2007 3:45:47 PM PDT by prisoner6 (Right Wing Nuts hold the country together as the loose screws of the Left fall out.)
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To: Sonora

Once Jesse Jackson was asked what he thought about Beirut. He thought about it, and said “He was a good home run hitter, but not as good as Barry Bonds!”


13 posted on 07/25/2007 3:46:23 PM PDT by Grunthor (God sends NO ONE to hell. That's why He gave you free will.)
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To: Sonora

Q. Knock-knock.

A. Who’s there?

Q. A psychic

A. A psychic who?

Q. I knew you’d say that.


14 posted on 07/25/2007 3:46:54 PM PDT by JRios1968 (Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will. - Ben Stein)
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To: Sonora
Could we start a Joke thread?

No!,that's not what we do here!.

P.S. Knock,Knock

15 posted on 07/25/2007 3:47:06 PM PDT by mdittmar (May God watch over those who serve,and have served,to keep us free)
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To: Sonora

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.’

Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’ The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, ‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’

He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ...’ he said with a deep sigh... ‘Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’


16 posted on 07/25/2007 3:48:06 PM PDT by malamute
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To: Sonora
Have you heard that Sen.John Kerry has a plan ..to cope with the federal deficit....yeah , the Kerry plan is we find a few really rich countries like Switzerland and Luxembourg and marry them, one right after the other.

thank you. I'm here all week. tip your waiters and bartender. drive safe.

17 posted on 07/25/2007 3:48:58 PM PDT by ProCivitas (Duncan Hunter '08: Pro-Family + Fair Trade)
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To: All
For the Catholics...

The crowd is about to stone Mary Magdalene, when Jesus steps forward and says,

"Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd comes a big rock, over Jesus' head, 'bam' hits Mary Magdalene square between the eyes. Down she goes.

Jesus does a slow turn, looks back to see the thrower and says,

"Mom! Stop following me around - You're embarrassing me!" :)

18 posted on 07/25/2007 3:49:01 PM PDT by davidlachnicht ("IF WE'RE ALL TO BE TARGETS, THEN WE ALL MUST BE SOLDIERS.")
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To: Sonora
When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, EMTs rushed to her home. One placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information.
"What's your age?" he asked.
"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger... "What does that do?"
"It's a lie detector," said the EMT with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"
"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.
19 posted on 07/25/2007 3:49:57 PM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts (Don't question faith. Don't answer lies.)
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To: Sonora

(The following is slightly “blue” so stop reading if you are easily offended)

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have breasts bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, “the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”

Satisfied with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “things” than his dad does.

She replies, “The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.”

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again and promptly tells mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”


20 posted on 07/25/2007 3:50:50 PM PDT by Grunthor (God sends NO ONE to hell. That's why He gave you free will.)
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