Skip to comments.Jokes Only
Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
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Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, “I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
“Two dogs, please,” said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, “What part did you get?”
Store owner: Sister Mary, you know we don’t sell to nuns.
Nun: oh, this is for Mother Superior, she has bad case of constipation, and we think this will do the trick.
Store owner: Sure sister..here ya go.
about half hour later, store owner hears a lotta singing and carrying-on outside his shop.
Sure enough, Sister Mary is tanked to the gills.
Store owner: Sister Mary ! I thought you said this was for Mother Superior’ s constipation !
Nun: It is. When Mother Superior gets a load of me, she’s gunna sh$t.
This joke I saw on FR awhile ago:
Hillary has just been elected President. On her first night in the White House, she sees the ghost of George Washington. She asks it “What can I do to best help my country?” Washington says “Never tell a lie.” Hillary says “Oooh, I don’t think I could do that.” The next night she sees Thomas Jefferson’s ghost. She asks “How can I best help my country?” He says “Do what the people want”. Hillary says “Nah, I don’t really want to do that.” On the third night she sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks “How can I best help my country?” And he says “Go into the theater...”
A FReeper posted these awhile ago as well...
1. It’s the Cold War era, in the 80s. Two Russians are standing in a very long line for vodka. They wait for hours but the line isn’t moving. One guy says “Alright, that’s it. No one should have to wait this long for vodka.” As he leaves, his friend asks where he’s going. He says “I’m going to get my gun and shoot that moron Gorbachev.” An hour later he returns. “Well?” his friend asks. “Forget it,” he says, “that line was even longer than this one.”
2. A drunken man runs out into Red Square in the night and yells “Brezhnev is an idiot!”. He was sentenced to a gulag for 12 years. He asks why his term was so long. “Well,” the KGB agent said, “the first two years are for disrespecting the Premiere. The last ten are for disclosing a state secret”.
And here’s on I made up...
Q: What do you call it when a donkey makes a mistake?
Here’s an oldy but goody...
A family of moles was sleeping in their hole, when the father mole gets up to look outside because he smelled some scrambled eggs. The mother mole also gets up to enjoy the smell. The baby mole follows to try and get a sniff, but he’s too short and is blocked by his parents facing out of the hole. Disappointed, he says “All I smell is molasses”
Oh yeah, another Cold War joke I made up...
The Cold War is at its height. A guy wearing a shirt that says “Reds” walks into a bar. Upon seeing him, the bartender yells “AAAHH!! COMMUNIST! COMMUNIST!” And the guy says, “Man it’s tough to play baseball for Cincinatti these days.”
Some science jokes...
Q: What do you get when you combine barium and Rutherfordium?
(That one was one I made up)
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: “You may have graduated, but I have many degrees
Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission chips
How scientists insult each other:
wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...
“Look, I have no money, but if I can show you something awesome that would increase your business, could I get a few drinks ?”
Bartender: (Thinking he’s heard ‘em all) Show me !
Guy pulls out a little stool and a little piano from his trench coat pockets. he then proceeds to pull out a little man dressed in a tuxedo.
The little man proceeds to sit on the piano stool and starts playing show tunes.
The patrons are starting to go wild! More and more people stream into the bar and the little man is just great.
He does requests: country & western, blues, rock, classical...you name , he does it.
Bartender to Guy: That’s the damnedest thing I ever saw. Not only can you drink all night, but you can drink here for nothing as long as you want, as long as you bring the little guy around. And here’s 500 bucks to boot, but only if you tell me how this came about ?
Guy: Well, I found a bottle on the beach in San Clemente. I rubbed the bottle and a hard of hearing Genie appeared and gave me one wish.
Bartender: Hard of hearing ?
Guy: Must have been, Do you think I really asked for a nine inch pianist ?
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl though, because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,
so they voted to take turns.
The first guy, Bill, slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was Harry’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
Harry said, “That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed, looking well rested.
“Good morning,” he said.
The others stared at him in amazement. They couldn’t believe their eyes!
They said, “Man, what happened?” Frank said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bedand kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night. “
At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t b e done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
“ Taxes drove me to my doom...”
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Marriage License Tax
Personal Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service char ge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the hell happened?
Can you spell “politicians?”
And I still have to “press 1” for English.
A telemarketer calls a house.
Little Billy answers the phone whispering “Hello”
The telemarketer asks if he could speak with Billy’s
Mommy. Billy replied in a whisper “she’s busy”.
Telemarketer then asks if he could speak with the boy’s Father. Billy whispered “he’s busy too”.
Telemarkets says “well, is there anyone else there?”.
Billy whispered and said “yeah, the police”.
Stunned the telemarketer said “The police? What are they doing there?”
Billy whispered “looking for me”.
Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver’s license?
Driver: Im afraid I don’t have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner’s documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it’s not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there’s no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!
The police captain was very confused about what had happened.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!
Driver: Really? Ain’t that something? And I’ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
Subject: ATM MACHINES
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.”
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
LOL Nice ones
Here’s another I made up:
Q: What do you call a legislative body controlled by Democrats?
A: A Viet Congress
in keeping with your cheap hearts, see #158, ladies. ;)
I had been saving that joke waiting for a good thread to use it on. Glad you liked it.
Best on thread. And there were some good jokes, on this one.
free? now that’s quite a bargain ;)
Oh, (blushing) I didn’t realize there was a camera on me when I go to the bank.
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT :
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.
Those of you who travel or have experienced our own new version of Americana may find this allegorical story a hoot. To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what ‘tenjewberrymuds’ means by the end of the conversation.
Hotel Guest dials room service:
Room Service (RS): “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”
Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”
RS: “Rye..Roon sirbees. Jewish to oddor sunteen?”
G: “Uh, yes. I’d like some bacon and eggs.”
RS: “Ow july den?”
RS: “Ow july den?...pryed, boyud o, poochd?”
G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”
RS: “Ow july dee baykem? Crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine.”
RS : “Hokay. An sahn toes?”
RS:”An toes. july sahn toes?”
G: “I don’t think so.”
RS: “No? Judo wan sahn toes??”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.”
RS: “Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow engish moppin we bodder?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bodder?”
G: “No...just put the bodder on the side.”
G: “I mean butter...just put it on the side.”
G: “Excuse me?”
G: “Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, engish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??”
G: “Whatever you say.”
G : “You’re very welcome.”
New York City has 11 letters.
Afghanistan has 11 letters.
Ramsin Yuseb, the terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993, has 11 letters.
George W Bush has 11 letters.
This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
New York is the 11th state
The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11
Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77, which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65
The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11, as it is now known.
The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number
911. 9 + 1 + 1 =11
Sheer coincidence? Read on and make up your own mind:
The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year
Again 2 + 5 + 4= 11.
The Madrid bombing took place on
3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4=11.
The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.
Now this is where things get totally interesting:
The most recognized symbol for the US after the Stars & Stripes is The Eagle.
The following verse is taken from the quran, the islamic holy book:”For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be feltthroughout the lands of allah. While some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace.”
That verse is number 9.11 of the quran.
Unconvinced about all of this still?
Try this and see how you feel afterwards
Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
Type Q33 NY in capital letters.
This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin
Highlight the Q33 NY.
Change the font size to 48.
Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS.
What do you think now?
Pillsbury Doughboy Goes to the Great Oven in the Sky
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough, and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS FOR 2007
12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
11. It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day.
10. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know Its Me.
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting Better.
7. I Wouldn’t take her to a Dog Fight ‘Cause Im Afraid She’d Win.
6. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
5. I’m So Miserable without you, It’s like Youre Still Here.
4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, Id Be Out Of Prison By now.
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
And the number 1 Country Song is:
1. I Ain’t Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women- But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
Study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her life cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Whoa...that 11 stuff is scary. Especially the Wingdings thing.
Here’s another one: The London terrorist attacks were on 7/7/2005. 7+7-5+2 = 11. (7+7=14. 14-5=9. 9+2=11)
Oh, and even the number 11 looks like the Twin Towers.
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary
6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They’re home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt
for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order
to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. *******s!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the
other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to
return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I
observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he
reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him
in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
If you take your cat to the vet, see if he is using a B-D Rectal Themometer. If he is find another vet.
They’ve found tuna-fish in the mercury.
Thanks for the input - luckily this is a joke thread so snopes is N/A.
Perhaps you should run all of these statements by snopes:
You know you live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You know you live in New York when...
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is “nature.”
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You’ve worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You know you live in Alaska when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You know you live in the Deep South when...
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. “Ya’ll” is singular and “all ya’ll” is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, “You ain’t from ‘round here, are ya?”
4. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.
You know you live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
You know you live in the Midwest when...
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
You know you live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
guy speeds up 85,90,95,120...cop still chasin & gainin...guy has no more pedal left, so he slows down, pulls over and stops...waiting for the hammer to fall.
I’m at the end of my shift and I was going into the station, when I saw you were only speeding a little and I was only going to give you a warning.
Then you sped up.... now I have to go through all the paperwork, impound your car, take you in for an overnight.
It’s been a rough shift, I’m tired and I want to go home...tell my why I shouldn’t lock you up ?
Guy says: Last week my wife ran off with a state cop...I thought you were trying to bring her back.
Cop says: sir, you’re free to go, have a nice night.
A man walks into a trendy new restaurant, and asks to be seated. The Maitre’d tells him it will be an hour wait, and asks him to sit in the lounge.
While sitting there a robot walks over and addresses the man saying
” Hi I am R63d, I am a new prototype courtesy android sent over to converse with you while you wait for your table. What is your IQ?”
The man replies 168, immediately the robot starts ot converse with him about economics, world politics, and global warming.
The man is so astounded by this that he decides to come back the next day.
He comes in and again is asked to wait, the robot comes over, only this time the man tells him that his IQ is 100.
The robot immediately engages him in conversation about the latest sports scores, NASCAR, and fishing.
The man leaves, equally impressed, decides to return the next day.
As the man takes his seat to wait for a table, the robot comes over and asks what his IQ is. The man replies 50.
The robot leans over and very slowly whispers in the guys ear,
“your people aren’t going to nominate Hillary are they?”
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant.
She is furious... Here she’s in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; “How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?”
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, “Did you hear me?”
Finally she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper,he says, “Who is this?”
I don’t believe in numerology, but this is really weird.
The rules for men:
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
Add this to the “You know you live in Florida when...”
6. The highest point of elevation you’ve ever been on is about 100 feet
Ah, being twenty was fun.
Grown ups don’t play those games, you know.
One family, one goal, we work together.
This morning on I- 94 ,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don’t scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers !
Ending It All
An 83-year old woman decided that she’d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn’t certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver’s door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in 3 minutes.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “ You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” he responded indignantly.
The cop replied, “You didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“OH, NO!” screamed the lawyer in shock. “Where is my Rolex?!”
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18 year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” the doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.” “And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “no.” The doctor continued, “the bear dropped dead in front of him.” “thats impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “someone else must of shot the bear.” “Thats kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.
toughest questions for men...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is:
“I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette.”). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel
Sending jokes to yourself? Did you laugh after reading them?
Well, no one is interested in my joke thread, so it does appear that I need to entertain myself - and, yes, some times I do laugh a second time. On the other hand, you do have a point - I could be going south, but entertaining myself while on that long strange trip.
One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told G-d, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
G-d thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”
So G-d called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to G-d and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”
G-d was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? ...
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either!!!
Men, you really should study this. Most men that I have met seem to have missed the class when it was covered. Here’s a refresher course for you.
1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do
5. Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)
6. That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8 . Whatever : Is a
women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking
“What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.
Notice your use of “G-d”. Are you jewish?
Sometimes I think women came from cats.
No, I’m not Jewish - just copied the joke over.
So, are you anal? In that this is a joke thread so whether of not I’m Jewish is a more than passingly strange question to ask.
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