Skip to comments.Jokes Only
Posted on 07/25/2007 3:35:03 PM PDT by Sonora
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Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, “I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
“Two dogs, please,” said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, “What part did you get?”
Store owner: Sister Mary, you know we don’t sell to nuns.
Nun: oh, this is for Mother Superior, she has bad case of constipation, and we think this will do the trick.
Store owner: Sure sister..here ya go.
about half hour later, store owner hears a lotta singing and carrying-on outside his shop.
Sure enough, Sister Mary is tanked to the gills.
Store owner: Sister Mary ! I thought you said this was for Mother Superior’ s constipation !
Nun: It is. When Mother Superior gets a load of me, she’s gunna sh$t.
This joke I saw on FR awhile ago:
Hillary has just been elected President. On her first night in the White House, she sees the ghost of George Washington. She asks it “What can I do to best help my country?” Washington says “Never tell a lie.” Hillary says “Oooh, I don’t think I could do that.” The next night she sees Thomas Jefferson’s ghost. She asks “How can I best help my country?” He says “Do what the people want”. Hillary says “Nah, I don’t really want to do that.” On the third night she sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks “How can I best help my country?” And he says “Go into the theater...”
A FReeper posted these awhile ago as well...
1. It’s the Cold War era, in the 80s. Two Russians are standing in a very long line for vodka. They wait for hours but the line isn’t moving. One guy says “Alright, that’s it. No one should have to wait this long for vodka.” As he leaves, his friend asks where he’s going. He says “I’m going to get my gun and shoot that moron Gorbachev.” An hour later he returns. “Well?” his friend asks. “Forget it,” he says, “that line was even longer than this one.”
2. A drunken man runs out into Red Square in the night and yells “Brezhnev is an idiot!”. He was sentenced to a gulag for 12 years. He asks why his term was so long. “Well,” the KGB agent said, “the first two years are for disrespecting the Premiere. The last ten are for disclosing a state secret”.
And here’s on I made up...
Q: What do you call it when a donkey makes a mistake?
Here’s an oldy but goody...
A family of moles was sleeping in their hole, when the father mole gets up to look outside because he smelled some scrambled eggs. The mother mole also gets up to enjoy the smell. The baby mole follows to try and get a sniff, but he’s too short and is blocked by his parents facing out of the hole. Disappointed, he says “All I smell is molasses”
Oh yeah, another Cold War joke I made up...
The Cold War is at its height. A guy wearing a shirt that says “Reds” walks into a bar. Upon seeing him, the bartender yells “AAAHH!! COMMUNIST! COMMUNIST!” And the guy says, “Man it’s tough to play baseball for Cincinatti these days.”
Some science jokes...
Q: What do you get when you combine barium and Rutherfordium?
(That one was one I made up)
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: “You may have graduated, but I have many degrees
Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission chips
How scientists insult each other:
wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...
“Look, I have no money, but if I can show you something awesome that would increase your business, could I get a few drinks ?”
Bartender: (Thinking he’s heard ‘em all) Show me !
Guy pulls out a little stool and a little piano from his trench coat pockets. he then proceeds to pull out a little man dressed in a tuxedo.
The little man proceeds to sit on the piano stool and starts playing show tunes.
The patrons are starting to go wild! More and more people stream into the bar and the little man is just great.
He does requests: country & western, blues, rock, classical...you name , he does it.
Bartender to Guy: That’s the damnedest thing I ever saw. Not only can you drink all night, but you can drink here for nothing as long as you want, as long as you bring the little guy around. And here’s 500 bucks to boot, but only if you tell me how this came about ?
Guy: Well, I found a bottle on the beach in San Clemente. I rubbed the bottle and a hard of hearing Genie appeared and gave me one wish.
Bartender: Hard of hearing ?
Guy: Must have been, Do you think I really asked for a nine inch pianist ?
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl though, because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,
so they voted to take turns.
The first guy, Bill, slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was Harry’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
Harry said, “That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed, looking well rested.
“Good morning,” he said.
The others stared at him in amazement. They couldn’t believe their eyes!
They said, “Man, what happened?” Frank said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bedand kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night. “
At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t b e done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
Put these words
upon his tomb,
“ Taxes drove me to my doom...”
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Marriage License Tax
Personal Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service char ge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the hell happened?
Can you spell “politicians?”
And I still have to “press 1” for English.
A telemarketer calls a house.
Little Billy answers the phone whispering “Hello”
The telemarketer asks if he could speak with Billy’s
Mommy. Billy replied in a whisper “she’s busy”.
Telemarketer then asks if he could speak with the boy’s Father. Billy whispered “he’s busy too”.
Telemarkets says “well, is there anyone else there?”.
Billy whispered and said “yeah, the police”.
Stunned the telemarketer said “The police? What are they doing there?”
Billy whispered “looking for me”.
Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver’s license?
Driver: Im afraid I don’t have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner’s documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it’s not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there’s no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!
The police captain was very confused about what had happened.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!
Driver: Really? Ain’t that something? And I’ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder
and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.
Subject: ATM MACHINES
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.”
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
LOL Nice ones
Here’s another I made up:
Q: What do you call a legislative body controlled by Democrats?
A: A Viet Congress
in keeping with your cheap hearts, see #158, ladies. ;)
I had been saving that joke waiting for a good thread to use it on. Glad you liked it.
Best on thread. And there were some good jokes, on this one.
free? now that’s quite a bargain ;)
Oh, (blushing) I didn’t realize there was a camera on me when I go to the bank.
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT :
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
One student, however, wrote the following:
“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.
Those of you who travel or have experienced our own new version of Americana may find this allegorical story a hoot. To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what ‘tenjewberrymuds’ means by the end of the conversation.
Hotel Guest dials room service:
Room Service (RS): “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”
Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”
RS: “Rye..Roon sirbees. Jewish to oddor sunteen?”
G: “Uh, yes. I’d like some bacon and eggs.”
RS: “Ow july den?”
RS: “Ow july den?...pryed, boyud o, poochd?”
G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”
RS: “Ow july dee baykem? Crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine.”
RS : “Hokay. An sahn toes?”
RS:”An toes. july sahn toes?”
G: “I don’t think so.”
RS: “No? Judo wan sahn toes??”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.”
RS: “Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow engish moppin we bodder?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bodder?”
G: “No...just put the bodder on the side.”
G: “I mean butter...just put it on the side.”
G: “Excuse me?”
G: “Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, engish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??”
G: “Whatever you say.”
G : “You’re very welcome.”