Posted on 08/22/2007 2:23:11 PM PDT by VA Voter
Q. What is a cesarean section?
A. A womb with a view.
I hope that they dog Michael Vick for the rest of his life.
this thread is gonna be pure “pun”ishment!
There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What do you call a thread moved to chat?
Redneck Medial Terms
Benign........What you be after you be eight.
Artery...... The study of paintings.
Bacteria.....Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan....................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D & C..........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something.
Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
Tablet............................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.............................More than one.
Urine..............................Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose.........................Near by/close by.
Q: Why can’t Adam and Eve play craps?
A: G-d took away their pair-of-dice.
This one.....but lets see how many jokes we can get in before it gets moved....
In our family, because of connections with South America, the men use the SA colloquialism for the male sex order —Chili.
So when someone would standing outside next to my father in law and say, “Pretty chilly” he would say, “thank you.” Once in July, it was unseasonably cool and my 8 year old son and 7 year old daughter and I were waiting for a table at an over airconditioned restaurant. The hostess comes up to seat us and making conversations says, “It’s a little chilly.” My son, without a smile or missing a beat said, “Well, I’m only 8 years old.”
Another time, was we were standing around the new grave of this same father in law, my mother in law (who is nothing if not Lady Obvious) said, “Well, some of you have his genes (did I mention my daughter is adopted?). I channelled my dead father in law and said, “yes, and we have a lot of his socks too.”
Those are my puns. thank you thank you.
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
What did the alien say when he went inside the library?
“Take me to your reader!”
silly.
Nuke, this thread is screaming out for ya!!!
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.
The lady kept bugging her husband to remind her which of the knights she was for in the jousting tournament.....
Her husband became quite Irate...”I told you five times... Sir Lancelot is in the Shiny Armour. Sir Percival is in the black armour and your hero Sir Slipcdck, The Chec, is in the mail “
I heard on the news this A.M. that they fired the UGA football coach. UGA wanted to replace him with Michael Vick so he could teach those “Dawgs” to fight.
Pete Rose sat on a tack.
Pete rose.
***Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.***
GROAAAAAN! LOL
A: A nervous wreck.
-PJ
Know how to tell if someone was delivered by cesarian?
Everytime they leave the house they go through the window.
What is an important ingredient in a scientist’s soft drink?
Carbon-dated water.
Jack Cust flied out to center.
Jack cussed.
Why couldn’t the pirate see the movie?
It was rated “Aaargh!”
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It’s been nice gnawing you!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Use a pun go to jail
Q: Why do Sea gulls fly over the Sea?
A: If they flew over the Bay, they’d be Bay-gulls
(”Bagels”, it’s funnier spoken =)
A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.
Word has it that an out-of-town conglomorate based in the Philippines has bought the Chicago Cubs. There are no plans to move the team at this time, but if they do, they’ll be called the Manila Folders.
Pun Ping
Does the name, Quasimodo ring a bell?
Ungh...took me a sec! Good one.
Here’s a double pun with a grammar lesson:
What’s the difference between a cougar and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other’s a pause at the end of a clause!
A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
“That looks nasty,” says the doctor.
“Nasty?!?” replies the man, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.
Mr Chen replies, "No, I drive a Rincoln Continental."
-----------------------------------------
The really cute blonde is on the witness stand, testifying against her attacker. The DA questions her. "And Miss Smith, did the attacker have, to the best of your knowledge, a climax when he attacked you?".
The girl thought about it for a few seconds and answered "No sir. I think he had one of them Japanese Mazdas."
Somewhere, deep in a dusty Warsaw back room, is a filing cabinet full of bank deposit paperwork. It is the undisputed Pole vault record holder.
Hick #1: M R MICE
Hick #2: M R NOT
Hick #1: M R 2
Hick #2: TAINT SOW
Hick #1: O S A R
Hick #1: C M EDBD FEET?
Hick #2: L I B, M R MICE!
A cheap eye surgeon is probably cutting corneas
Stalin’s Tomb is a Communist plot!
Issac Asimov was quite a punster. Long ago he judged a pun contest for Omni magazine. In it he gave what he called the only known example of a triple pun. A couple called the ranch run by their sons the Focus Rance because that was where the sons raise meat.
So I applied myself to the challenge (but never sent it in).
An ancient seafaring people made their sails from animal skins. No matter what size the sail they were always a perfect 30-60-90 triangle. They had learned that this was possible by always making the bottom edge of the sail 1/2 the length of the hypotenuse. We remember these peoples early trigonometric abilities every time we speak of...
a fur sail sine.
Here lies Lester Moore
Shot three times with a .44
No Less
No Moore
bttt
What did the bark say to the tree?
Not mulch.
Use a pun, do a shot!
An English adventurer became lost on a walkabout in the Australian outback. After some days without food or water, he stumbles onto a road and sees a sign, Town of Mercy 2 miles.
Regaining hope, he struggles to reach the outskirts of the village and enters the first pub. “Barman, give me a pint, please,” he pleads.
The barman apologizes and tells him, “Sorry, mate but we’re out and the beer delivery is not for another hour.”
The English tells him, “Look, I’m dying of thirst. I’ll drink anything.”
The barman asks, “How ‘bout a cup o’ tea, mate?”
“Certainly, anything, please!”
The barman puts a teacup and saucer in front of the Englishman, reaches under the bar and pulls out a wiggling koala bear. He then pours hot water from the teapot over the Koala into the Englishman’s cup.
The Englishman is aghast. He’s dying of thirst but he just can’t abide this. He looks in his cup and then looks at the barman and complains, “There’s a hair in my tea!”
“Sir,” says the Aussie indignantly, “The koala tea of Mercy is not strained.”.
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