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Groaner Puns (Your favorite?)

Posted on 08/22/2007 2:23:11 PM PDT by VA Voter

Q. What is a cesarean section?

A. A womb with a view.


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: freepun; humor; jokes; lol; pun; puns
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1 posted on 08/22/2007 2:23:12 PM PDT by VA Voter
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To: VA Voter

I hope that they dog Michael Vick for the rest of his life.


2 posted on 08/22/2007 2:24:12 PM PDT by Blogger (Propheteuon.com)
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To: VA Voter

this thread is gonna be pure “pun”ishment!


3 posted on 08/22/2007 2:24:52 PM PDT by Mac94
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To: VA Voter

There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


4 posted on 08/22/2007 2:25:20 PM PDT by Lucky9teen (Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.)
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To: VA Voter

What do you call a thread moved to chat?


5 posted on 08/22/2007 2:25:46 PM PDT by OSHA (Liberals will lick the boot on their necks if they think the other boot is on yours and mine.)
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To: VA Voter

Redneck Medial Terms

Benign........What you be after you be eight.
Artery...... The study of paintings.
Bacteria.....Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
CATscan....................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D & C..........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something.
Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
Tablet............................A small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.............................More than one.
Urine..............................Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose.........................Near by/close by.


6 posted on 08/22/2007 2:26:01 PM PDT by Kimmers
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To: VA Voter

Q: Why can’t Adam and Eve play craps?

A: G-d took away their pair-of-dice.


7 posted on 08/22/2007 2:26:34 PM PDT by Natchez Hawk (What's so funny about the first, second, and fourth Amendments?)
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To: OSHA

This one.....but lets see how many jokes we can get in before it gets moved....


8 posted on 08/22/2007 2:27:12 PM PDT by Kimmers
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To: VA Voter

In our family, because of connections with South America, the men use the SA colloquialism for the male sex order —Chili.

So when someone would standing outside next to my father in law and say, “Pretty chilly” he would say, “thank you.” Once in July, it was unseasonably cool and my 8 year old son and 7 year old daughter and I were waiting for a table at an over airconditioned restaurant. The hostess comes up to seat us and making conversations says, “It’s a little chilly.” My son, without a smile or missing a beat said, “Well, I’m only 8 years old.”

Another time, was we were standing around the new grave of this same father in law, my mother in law (who is nothing if not Lady Obvious) said, “Well, some of you have his genes (did I mention my daughter is adopted?). I channelled my dead father in law and said, “yes, and we have a lot of his socks too.”

Those are my puns. thank you thank you.


9 posted on 08/22/2007 2:29:03 PM PDT by Mercat (strategic deworming. Name of a new rock band?)
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To: VA Voter
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

10 posted on 08/22/2007 2:30:48 PM PDT by engrpat
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To: VA Voter

What did the alien say when he went inside the library?

“Take me to your reader!”


11 posted on 08/22/2007 2:31:29 PM PDT by scott7278 ("Before I give you the benefit of my reply, I would like to know what we are talking about.")
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To: Kimmers

silly.


12 posted on 08/22/2007 2:31:34 PM PDT by MovementConservative (Terminate the Duke 88)
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To: nuke rocketeer

Nuke, this thread is screaming out for ya!!!


13 posted on 08/22/2007 2:33:29 PM PDT by Lucky9teen (Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.)
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To: MovementConservative

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.


14 posted on 08/22/2007 2:34:03 PM PDT by Lucky9teen (Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.)
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To: VA Voter

The lady kept bugging her husband to remind her which of the knights she was for in the jousting tournament.....

Her husband became quite Irate...”I told you five times... Sir Lancelot is in the Shiny Armour. Sir Percival is in the black armour and your hero Sir Slipcdck, The Chec, is in the mail “


15 posted on 08/22/2007 2:34:47 PM PDT by bert (K.E. N.P. +12 . Hillary's color is yellow.....how appropriate)
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To: VA Voter

I heard on the news this A.M. that they fired the UGA football coach. UGA wanted to replace him with Michael Vick so he could teach those “Dawgs” to fight.


16 posted on 08/22/2007 2:35:25 PM PDT by freeangel ( (free speech is only good until someone else doesn't like what you say))
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To: VA Voter; The Spirit Of Allegiance; mikrofon; Charles Henrickson

17 posted on 08/22/2007 2:35:32 PM PDT by martin_fierro (WEPUNNING)
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To: VA Voter
No puns, but a groaner free verse poem.

Pete Rose sat on a tack.
Pete rose.

18 posted on 08/22/2007 2:35:45 PM PDT by ladtx ( "I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top." - - Will Rogers)
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To: Lucky9teen

***Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.***

GROAAAAAN! LOL


19 posted on 08/22/2007 2:37:36 PM PDT by kitkat (I refuse to let the DUers chase me off FR.)
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To: VA Voter
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?

A: A nervous wreck.

-PJ

20 posted on 08/22/2007 2:38:14 PM PDT by Political Junkie Too (Repeal the 17th amendment -- it's the "Fairness Doctrine" for Congress!)
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To: VA Voter

Know how to tell if someone was delivered by cesarian?

Everytime they leave the house they go through the window.


21 posted on 08/22/2007 2:39:47 PM PDT by Hornet19 (It's Time to Put Up or Shut Up...Where Do You Stand?)
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To: VA Voter

What is an important ingredient in a scientist’s soft drink?

Carbon-dated water.


22 posted on 08/22/2007 2:40:46 PM PDT by scott7278 ("Before I give you the benefit of my reply, I would like to know what we are talking about.")
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To: ladtx
Or, here's another one about a player for the A's.

Jack Cust flied out to center.
Jack cussed.

23 posted on 08/22/2007 2:40:47 PM PDT by ladtx ( "I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top." - - Will Rogers)
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To: VA Voter

Why couldn’t the pirate see the movie?

It was rated “Aaargh!”


24 posted on 08/22/2007 2:41:36 PM PDT by scott7278 ("Before I give you the benefit of my reply, I would like to know what we are talking about.")
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To: VA Voter

What did the beaver say to the tree?

It’s been nice gnawing you!


25 posted on 08/22/2007 2:42:57 PM PDT by scott7278 ("Before I give you the benefit of my reply, I would like to know what we are talking about.")
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To: VA Voter

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.


26 posted on 08/22/2007 2:44:08 PM PDT by Robert DeLong
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To: Hornet19
Did you hear about the man who broke his ankle while tap dancing?

He fell into the sink.
27 posted on 08/22/2007 2:44:18 PM PDT by reagan_fanatic (Ron Paul put the cuckoo in my Cocoa Puffs)
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To: VA Voter

Use a pun go to jail


28 posted on 08/22/2007 2:44:22 PM PDT by KenHorse (It may be the only purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others)
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To: VA Voter
My favorite 3rd grade joke ever:

Q: Why do Sea gulls fly over the Sea?
A: If they flew over the Bay, they’d be Bay-gulls

(”Bagels”, it’s funnier spoken =)

29 posted on 08/22/2007 2:44:36 PM PDT by samson1097
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To: scott7278

A jellyfish walked into a hardware shop and bought ten drills.


30 posted on 08/22/2007 2:44:59 PM PDT by reagan_fanatic (Ron Paul put the cuckoo in my Cocoa Puffs)
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To: VA Voter

Word has it that an out-of-town conglomorate based in the Philippines has bought the Chicago Cubs. There are no plans to move the team at this time, but if they do, they’ll be called the Manila Folders.


31 posted on 08/22/2007 2:45:41 PM PDT by scott7278 ("Before I give you the benefit of my reply, I would like to know what we are talking about.")
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To: VA Voter; The Spirit Of Allegiance

Pun Ping


32 posted on 08/22/2007 2:46:06 PM PDT by Larry Lucido (Hunter 2008)
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To: VA Voter

Does the name, Quasimodo ring a bell?


33 posted on 08/22/2007 2:46:26 PM PDT by Proud2BeRight
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To: reagan_fanatic

Ungh...took me a sec! Good one.


34 posted on 08/22/2007 2:46:58 PM PDT by RosieCotton
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To: VA Voter

Here’s a double pun with a grammar lesson:

What’s the difference between a cougar and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other’s a pause at the end of a clause!


35 posted on 08/22/2007 2:47:03 PM PDT by dan1123 (You are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. --Jesus)
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To: samson1097

A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
“That looks nasty,” says the doctor.
“Nasty?!?” replies the man, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”


36 posted on 08/22/2007 2:47:10 PM PDT by reagan_fanatic (Ron Paul put the cuckoo in my Cocoa Puffs)
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To: VA Voter
My current favorite:

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

37 posted on 08/22/2007 2:47:12 PM PDT by T. P. Pole
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To: VA Voter

Golf is a lot like taxes - you drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.


38 posted on 08/22/2007 2:48:28 PM PDT by Robert DeLong
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To: bert
A Chinese gentlemen visits his eye doctor and is told some bad news. "I'm sorry Mr Chen but you have cataracs".

Mr Chen replies, "No, I drive a Rincoln Continental."

-----------------------------------------

The really cute blonde is on the witness stand, testifying against her attacker. The DA questions her. "And Miss Smith, did the attacker have, to the best of your knowledge, a climax when he attacked you?".

The girl thought about it for a few seconds and answered "No sir. I think he had one of them Japanese Mazdas."

39 posted on 08/22/2007 2:48:38 PM PDT by KenHorse (It may be the only purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others)
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To: VA Voter

Somewhere, deep in a dusty Warsaw back room, is a filing cabinet full of bank deposit paperwork. It is the undisputed Pole vault record holder.


40 posted on 08/22/2007 2:48:40 PM PDT by LexBaird (Tyrannosaurus Lex, unapologetic carnivore)
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To: Kimmers

Hick #1: M R MICE
Hick #2: M R NOT
Hick #1: M R 2
Hick #2: TAINT SOW
Hick #1: O S A R
Hick #1: C M EDBD FEET?
Hick #2: L I B, M R MICE!


41 posted on 08/22/2007 2:48:51 PM PDT by Old Sarge (This tagline in memory of FReeper 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub)
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To: Robert DeLong

A cheap eye surgeon is probably cutting corneas


42 posted on 08/22/2007 2:48:51 PM PDT by reagan_fanatic (Ron Paul put the cuckoo in my Cocoa Puffs)
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To: Proud2BeRight

Stalin’s Tomb is a Communist plot!


43 posted on 08/22/2007 2:49:32 PM PDT by Old Sarge (This tagline in memory of FReeper 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub)
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To: VA Voter
A Buddhist approached a hot dog vendor and said, “Make me one with everything.”
44 posted on 08/22/2007 2:49:38 PM PDT by quark
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To: VA Voter

Issac Asimov was quite a punster. Long ago he judged a pun contest for Omni magazine. In it he gave what he called the only known example of a triple pun. A couple called the ranch run by their sons the Focus Rance because that was where the sons raise meat.

So I applied myself to the challenge (but never sent it in).

An ancient seafaring people made their sails from animal skins. No matter what size the sail they were always a perfect 30-60-90 triangle. They had learned that this was possible by always making the bottom edge of the sail 1/2 the length of the hypotenuse. We remember these peoples early trigonometric abilities every time we speak of...

a fur sail sine.


45 posted on 08/22/2007 2:50:02 PM PDT by OSHA (Liberals will lick the boot on their necks if they think the other boot is on yours and mine.)
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To: VA Voter
Funny writing on a tombstone which quickly flashes by in backbround in the movie Tombstone:

Here lies Lester Moore
Shot three times with a .44
No Less
No Moore

46 posted on 08/22/2007 2:50:09 PM PDT by joebuck
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To: VA Voter

bttt


47 posted on 08/22/2007 2:50:46 PM PDT by JamesP81 (Keep your friends close; keep your enemies at optimal engagement range)
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To: scott7278

What did the bark say to the tree?
Not mulch.


48 posted on 08/22/2007 2:50:50 PM PDT by Fester Chugabrew
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To: KenHorse

Use a pun, do a shot!


49 posted on 08/22/2007 2:50:53 PM PDT by Old Sarge (This tagline in memory of FReeper 68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub)
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To: VA Voter

An English adventurer became lost on a walkabout in the Australian outback. After some days without food or water, he stumbles onto a road and sees a sign, Town of Mercy 2 miles.

Regaining hope, he struggles to reach the outskirts of the village and enters the first pub. “Barman, give me a pint, please,” he pleads.

The barman apologizes and tells him, “Sorry, mate but we’re out and the beer delivery is not for another hour.”

The English tells him, “Look, I’m dying of thirst. I’ll drink anything.”

The barman asks, “How ‘bout a cup o’ tea, mate?”

“Certainly, anything, please!”

The barman puts a teacup and saucer in front of the Englishman, reaches under the bar and pulls out a wiggling koala bear. He then pours hot water from the teapot over the Koala into the Englishman’s cup.

The Englishman is aghast. He’s dying of thirst but he just can’t abide this. He looks in his cup and then looks at the barman and complains, “There’s a hair in my tea!”

“Sir,” says the Aussie indignantly, “The koala tea of Mercy is not strained.”.


50 posted on 08/22/2007 2:51:53 PM PDT by DeFault User
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