Skip to comments.John Kerry's Unsealed Divorce Records Reveal He's Always Been Arrogant, Boring
Posted on 11/06/2007 7:03:15 AM PST by avacado
The records of Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry's 1988 divorce from Wall Street heiress Julia Thorne were unsealed yesterday, revealing that Kerry has always been a condescending and uninteresting prick. It is uncertain whether revelations of sexual "JFK" role-playing and narcissistic orgasms will hurt his presidential campaign.
Unlike Jack Ryan, whose Senate campaign was derailed when his divorce records revealed that he pressured ex-wife Jeri Ryan to attend sex clubs, Kerry's divorce records reveal a rather pedestrian, if not somewhat ego- and Kennedy-centric sex life.
Thorne swore under oath that Kerry, "often made me dress up like Jackie O ['Nassis] or Marilyn Monroe, and would make me call him 'JFK.' His idea of foreplay was either to ask whether, 'Mrs. President wanted to solve the 'Kerry Missile Crisis,' or to say, 'who wants to have sex with John Kerry? Bring-it-on.'" She also claimed he regularly yelled out his own name during orgasm.
The records reveal that the couple rarely fought, if only because Kerry would vaguely claim both sides of an argument. "Often I'd say something like, 'John, you need to watch the children more; I need time to myself,'" Thorne claims in an affidavit, "and he'd say, 'Yes, I agree that husbands should contribute to the household, but only if they aren't working overtime to afford healthcare.' He thought he was so clever. And if trying to 'confuse' me with his 'intellect' didn't work, he'd say something like, 'you know, Julia, when I was in Vietnam I had to watch over the children of a nation.' He used the Vietnam thing a lot; it usually made no sense."
In fact, Thorne's main reason for filing for divorce was simply that, "John spent an inordinate amount of time looking in the mirror, talking to himself. When he did address me, it was usually in the form of a rhetorical question, like ' how good does my hair look today?' or a quasi-joke, like 'on a scale of nine to ten, how attractive am I?' It was almost as though I existed solely to confirm his egocentricity."
Definitely an Onion, but good nevertheless.
Kerry is such a twit.
Sounds like the John Kerry we know. Let’s just accept it as true.ha ha!
Definitely satire. But good satire.
“Fake but accurate”
She also claimed he regularly yelled out his own name during orgasm.
Broken Newz is a parody site, but still...
It’s a little off-colour, but I confess I laughed.
” ‘Mrs. President wanted to solve the ‘Kerry Missile Crisis,’”
Howie Carr will come back to radio just for this alone.
I think that any time J Forbes Kery gives a speech someone needs to ask him this question.
Senator Kerry how do you feel about the Kerry Missile Crisis?
Senator Kerry, do you feel that more force should be used to solve the Kerry Missile Crisis?
I could go on all day!
I just sent this to my liberal friends. They’ll freak! Very funny!
I haven’t laughed this hard in a while.
I love the “missle crisis” and calling out his own name. I bet this is close to the truth.
That would certainly be narcissism to the max.
I don’t need no stinkin’ divorce papers to know that Kerry is arrogant and boring.
And at the divorce hearing, I’m sure he insisted that he was for the marriage before he was against it.
He didn't even finish because he was released early after injuring himself three times with the safety scissors and the paste.
One wonders how he solved the “Kerry Missile Crisis” before Viagra...
Actually, the real sadness of this divorce was that Kerry paid the Catholic church to annul the marriage, to renew his viability in Massachusetts politics when he remarried as a “devout catholic” the “first time” to Teresa Heinz.
This action, of course, within the Catholic religion, made his first wife a whore, and his two children bastards.
Real nice guy.
Okay, it took me to the third paragraph to figure out this was a joke. It seemed so believeable up till then. LOL!
I didn’t know that about Kerry. Now he’s even more disgusting to me than ever before. I am Catholic.
LMAO - post of the day!
This is funny. But they’d better not do a piece about Hillary Clinton’s sex life. Reading about that is more than any human being should be asked to bear.
One of the Kennedys did this too. A real charmer- retroactively made his kids illegitimate. His "ex-wife" wrote a book about it which sunk his political chances. Can't remember which one it was, they're all so terrible in their treatment of women that they blur together.
“John would meke me dress up like an American Soldier in Vietnam and then stab me in the back with a rubber knife...”
Just like a REAL Kennedy.