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John Kerry's Unsealed Divorce Records Reveal He's Always Been Arrogant, Boring
Broken Newz ^ | 10/21/2004 | Robert Krupto

Posted on 11/06/2007 7:03:15 AM PST by avacado

The records of Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry's 1988 divorce from Wall Street heiress Julia Thorne were unsealed yesterday, revealing that Kerry has always been a condescending and uninteresting prick. It is uncertain whether revelations of sexual "JFK" role-playing and narcissistic orgasms will hurt his presidential campaign.

Unlike Jack Ryan, whose Senate campaign was derailed when his divorce records revealed that he pressured ex-wife Jeri Ryan to attend sex clubs, Kerry's divorce records reveal a rather pedestrian, if not somewhat ego- and Kennedy-centric sex life.

Thorne swore under oath that Kerry, "often made me dress up like Jackie O ['Nassis] or Marilyn Monroe, and would make me call him 'JFK.' His idea of foreplay was either to ask whether, 'Mrs. President wanted to solve the 'Kerry Missile Crisis,' or to say, 'who wants to have sex with John Kerry? Bring-it-on.'" She also claimed he regularly yelled out his own name during orgasm.

The records reveal that the couple rarely fought, if only because Kerry would vaguely claim both sides of an argument. "Often I'd say something like, 'John, you need to watch the children more; I need time to myself,'" Thorne claims in an affidavit, "and he'd say, 'Yes, I agree that husbands should contribute to the household, but only if they aren't working overtime to afford healthcare.' He thought he was so clever. And if trying to 'confuse' me with his 'intellect' didn't work, he'd say something like, 'you know, Julia, when I was in Vietnam I had to watch over the children of a nation.' He used the Vietnam thing a lot; it usually made no sense."

In fact, Thorne's main reason for filing for divorce was simply that, "John spent an inordinate amount of time looking in the mirror, talking to himself. When he did address me, it was usually in the form of a rhetorical question, like ' how good does my hair look today?' or a quasi-joke, like 'on a scale of nine to ten, how attractive am I?' It was almost as though I existed solely to confirm his egocentricity."


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Government; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: divorce; jerk; kerry; satire; thorne
I was doing a Google search looking for something else and stumbled upon this about Kerry's divorce. I am not sure if it's a "Scrappleface" like website or for real but it's funny as heck nonetheless.
1 posted on 11/06/2007 7:03:17 AM PST by avacado
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To: avacado

Definitely an Onion, but good nevertheless.


2 posted on 11/06/2007 7:06:30 AM PST by sinanju
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To: avacado

Kerry is such a twit.


3 posted on 11/06/2007 7:08:41 AM PST by Elpasser
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To: avacado

Sounds like the John Kerry we know. Let’s just accept it as true.ha ha!


4 posted on 11/06/2007 7:10:48 AM PST by lexington minuteman 1775
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To: avacado

Definitely satire. But good satire.


5 posted on 11/06/2007 7:11:59 AM PST by fatnotlazy
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To: avacado

“Fake but accurate”


6 posted on 11/06/2007 7:12:12 AM PST by chrisser
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To: avacado

She also claimed he regularly yelled out his own name during orgasm.

Broken Newz is a parody site, but still...


7 posted on 11/06/2007 7:14:35 AM PST by null and void (No more Bushes/No more Clintons)
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To: avacado

It’s a little off-colour, but I confess I laughed.


8 posted on 11/06/2007 7:16:11 AM PST by trisham (Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.)
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To: sinanju

” ‘Mrs. President wanted to solve the ‘Kerry Missile Crisis,’”

Howie Carr will come back to radio just for this alone.
I think that any time J Forbes Kery gives a speech someone needs to ask him this question.
Senator Kerry how do you feel about the Kerry Missile Crisis?
Senator Kerry, do you feel that more force should be used to solve the Kerry Missile Crisis?

I could go on all day!


9 posted on 11/06/2007 7:16:37 AM PST by Holicheese (1-21-09 Hillary starts to destroy America!)
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To: chrisser

I just sent this to my liberal friends. They’ll freak! Very funny!


10 posted on 11/06/2007 7:17:05 AM PST by Dr. Bogus Pachysandra ("Don't touch that thing")
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To: null and void

I haven’t laughed this hard in a while.

I love the “missle crisis” and calling out his own name. I bet this is close to the truth.


11 posted on 11/06/2007 7:17:11 AM PST by cajungirl (no)
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To: avacado
"...She also claimed he regularly yelled out his own name during orgasm."

That would certainly be narcissism to the max.

12 posted on 11/06/2007 7:18:57 AM PST by The Great RJ ("Mir we bleiwen wat mir sin" or "We want to remain what we are." ..Luxembourg motto)
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To: avacado

I don’t need no stinkin’ divorce papers to know that Kerry is arrogant and boring.


13 posted on 11/06/2007 7:19:32 AM PST by 3AngelaD (They screwed up their own countries so bad they had to leave, and now they're here screwing up ours)
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To: avacado

And at the divorce hearing, I’m sure he insisted that he was for the marriage before he was against it.


14 posted on 11/06/2007 7:20:37 AM PST by rightwingintelligentsia (When gov't wants to fix something, chances are it was the gov't that broke it in the first place.)
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To: avacado
You could have found this out from John Kerry's kindergarten report card.

He didn't even finish because he was released early after injuring himself three times with the safety scissors and the paste.

15 posted on 11/06/2007 7:22:47 AM PST by KarlInOhio (May the heirs of Charles Martel and Jan Sobieski rise up again to defend Europe.)
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To: cajungirl

One wonders how he solved the “Kerry Missile Crisis” before Viagra...


16 posted on 11/06/2007 7:22:59 AM PST by null and void (No more Bushes/No more Clintons)
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To: null and void

Actually, the real sadness of this divorce was that Kerry paid the Catholic church to annul the marriage, to renew his viability in Massachusetts politics when he remarried as a “devout catholic” the “first time” to Teresa Heinz.

This action, of course, within the Catholic religion, made his first wife a whore, and his two children bastards.

Real nice guy.


17 posted on 11/06/2007 7:27:55 AM PST by scotiamor
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To: avacado

Okay, it took me to the third paragraph to figure out this was a joke. It seemed so believeable up till then. LOL!


18 posted on 11/06/2007 7:30:44 AM PST by rabidralph
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To: scotiamor

I didn’t know that about Kerry. Now he’s even more disgusting to me than ever before. I am Catholic.


19 posted on 11/06/2007 7:31:34 AM PST by avacado
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To: avacado
Do not know but I would say this part is true “She also claimed he regularly yelled out his own name during orgasm.” especially if you add, "and I was in Vietnam." LOL
20 posted on 11/06/2007 7:33:00 AM PST by org.whodat (What's the difference between a Democrat and a republican????)
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To: chrisser
“Fake but accurate”

LMAO - post of the day!

21 posted on 11/06/2007 7:34:00 AM PST by rockabyebaby (HEY JORGE, SHUT UP AND BUILD THE BLEEPING FENCE, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.)
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To: avacado

This is funny. But they’d better not do a piece about Hillary Clinton’s sex life. Reading about that is more than any human being should be asked to bear.


22 posted on 11/06/2007 7:38:13 AM PST by jalisco555 ("The only thing we learn from history is that we never learn from history." Winston Churchill)
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To: scotiamor
This action, of course, within the Catholic religion, made his first wife a whore, and his two children bastards.

One of the Kennedys did this too. A real charmer- retroactively made his kids illegitimate. His "ex-wife" wrote a book about it which sunk his political chances. Can't remember which one it was, they're all so terrible in their treatment of women that they blur together.

23 posted on 11/06/2007 7:41:22 AM PST by jalisco555 ("The only thing we learn from history is that we never learn from history." Winston Churchill)
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To: avacado

“John would meke me dress up like an American Soldier in Vietnam and then stab me in the back with a rubber knife...”


24 posted on 11/06/2007 7:48:35 AM PST by Doctor Raoul (Columbia = Ayatollah U.)
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To: avacado
  The anachronism "bring it on" is a clear indication that this article is B.S.  What in the world is it doing in FR?
25 posted on 11/06/2007 8:18:52 AM PST by HawaiianGecko (There are scandals that need to be addressed. Republicans address them, Democrats re-elect them.)
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To: scotiamor

Just like a REAL Kennedy.


26 posted on 11/06/2007 8:28:50 AM PST by massgopguy (I owe everything to George Bailey)
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