Skip to comments.Some Date! (Highschool/College Scene: No Date, No Dance, Just Hanging Out and Hooking Up?)
Posted on 11/17/2007 4:53:59 PM PST by Mrs. Don-o
Last month, a boy asked my 16-year-old daughter to his school's homecoming dance. She agreed to go, bought a new dress and made a hairdresser appointment.
The boy never bought tickets to the dance. Neither did his friends. They decided that attending homecoming wouldn't be cool, and instead planned to just dress up that night, go out for dinner and then hang out with their dates at someone's house.
My daughter was disappointed, as were her girlfriends. They would have loved to have been taken to the dance, to show off their dresses, to see and be seen.
At 6 p.m. on the night of the boycotted dance, about a dozen of these girls and their dates gathered in one boy's backyard so a mob of parents could photograph them. I found it dispiriting. My heart went out to those girls -- all dressed up with no place to go. Couldn't we, as parents, have demanded that the boys take our daughters to the dance? Why did we stand there, clicking our digital cameras, saying nothing?
I live in suburban Detroit, but this phenomenon is playing out elsewhere in the country, too -- a telling example of the indifference with which young people today view dating, chivalry and romance.
Studies, of course, show more young people skipping romantic relationships in favor of "hooking up." As teens socialize in packs, forgo one-on-one dating and trade sex nonchalantly, it is no stretch to find that boys are asking girls to homecoming and not bothering to take them there. But with so many young people ignoring once-sacrosanct dating rites, how can we respond?
(Excerpt) Read more at online.wsj.com ...
In fact, my daughter's high school has a series of dances that begins in the freshman year. It's sponsored by the parent association and a couple of local clubs. They have an etiquette and dance coaching session ahead of time, separate ones for boys and girls.
By the time the senior prom rolls around, the kids are quite confident that they will know what to do, and they really enjoy it. They have a sit down dinner, a dance, and a VERY early breakfast before they all roll home to bed.
Parents these days do everything they can to retard their boys from growing up.
New York Times 2004:
San Francisco Chronicle 2007:
Young men are no longer evolving to be men until they are in their late 20s ( if they are lucky). They stay boys much , much longer, refuse individual responsibility or structure, and think they have an inate wisdom which they must exercise in order to cope.
They have no wisdom, and young ladies will simply evolve to dating much older young men than they are.So do not be surprised to see many more sixteen year old girls wanting to date 24 year old men. Its sure to happen. And unfortunately they are right.
Parents these days do everything they can to retard their boys from growing up.
I have visited some US college campuses recently and it seems to also be a victim of political correctness. Girls and boys dressing up nicely and showing a little class--gone. It all looks so trampy and low class and casual and non commital these days. I watched college (male) freshmen just let heavy doors at book store simply slam close on the face of women behind them coming in--not thought to being a real man. I would say, not only romance, but gentlemanly manners and chivalry seem long dead at these places.
It would take a cultural revolution in this country lasting several decades to repair the damage caused by the feminist movement and the sexual revolution that resulted in making it easier for men to use women and left women and children holding the bag.
It would take a revolution back to the principles and common belief system that existed in America up until the 1960s, and it would take everyone in the country determined to reverse course and change the way they raise their children.
It ain't gonna happen.
Democrats would respond by giving them condoms.
Well, the boys have taken their cues from the girls. You don't act like a lady, you don't get treated like one. Have no expectations and the boys will accommodate you.
The young men of 50 years ago had the same hormones, the same testosterone, the same desires......and yet they bought the corsages and opened the doors for their dates, and walked them to their front doors. Why don't they do that anymore?
Because they know they don't have to, and they'll still get laid.
I would just bag the whole thing myself.
My dad would have politely but firmly told the boy to go away and then driven me to the dance where I would have bought my own ticket and had a good time.
I would also make sure that every person in the school knew that this jerk may talk big but it was just talk.
By the parents of the girls letting the boys get away with that behavior and the parents of the boys tactically approving of it they are saying that it is ok for the boys to lie. They are saying that the girls not worthy of being consulted on what they wanted.
Not good lessons for them to be learning at that age.
And no, from what I have heard, this is not the way it works these days. This is an exception rather then the rule.
...and yet they bought the corsages and opened the doors for their dates, and walked them to their front doors. Why don’t they do that anymore?
Hey, I do all of that!
Of course I’m about 40 years old...
Bunch of no-talent wannabe playas with no-talent wannabe parents. These gals should have dumped them from word “go.”
These young men simply were not raised properly....and their parents should’nt be blaming anyone else for it...
The biggest problem is that most of these young men don’t have models of correct behavior. How can they learn if they’re not taught?
Good Lord, I think of my father and mother, growing up in the Depression, who had lots of friends who liked to sing, dance, play musical instruments, go to movies, ---oh, take walks, even. Knew how to be friends, how to date and how to court ---Knew how to have a good time---
I'm rambling because I don't quite know what to say. This hang out, hook up thing isn't fun or liberated or anything. It's just depressing. Don't you think so?
Why spend good money and time to go to a dance organized by mindless, domineering, timeserving government drones? Instead, you and your friends could go to the type of place, like a good restaurant or movie theatre, or even a private dance hall, that will cater to you and that is nice enough to actually attract people who have choices.
Seems like a simple choice to me. Just because some school board can maintain the Potemkin Village appearance of a fun time does not mean that children should want to be part of that deception.
This sounds wonderful. What kind of high school is this?
LOL!We lovingly refer to her as "the wife" :).
I’d guess that at least one if not more of those boys aren’t allowed to go to homecoming for discipline or academic reasons and that’s why it all of a sudden isn’t “cool” to go.
Tough break for those girls that swoon over bad boys.
Not with my daughter, you don’t.
I’m sure its nothing new in parenting, but I’m not looking forward to my little girl getting to this age.
“Last month, a boy asked my 16-year-old daughter to his school’s homecoming dance.”
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Stay on your guard and keep her away from the “bad boys”.
I think you hit the nail on the head.
Even 35 years ago, I dated my future wife in this way. When my sons started dating, I instructed them, as did my wife, in how they should act.
One thing they learned the hard way was that I would brook no disrespect to their mother in my presence or out of my presence. They were talking to my wife, and no one disrespects her in any way.
I’ve have told them to marry a girl who is just like their mother, with her qualities. They tell me about the girls today, and I remind them not to sink to that level. The right girl is out there, and if she is not readily apparent yet, that is no excuse for you to be and act like an animal.
My daughter also has high standards. Our rule was—if a boy wants to takes you out, he meets me first. I want to meet him, talk with him, find out some things about him and set the time line for returning my daughter to my house. She is my daughter, not his plaything.
Dads, don’t let society tell you that you can not set the ground rules. It’s your job. Your daughters and sons secretly want you to. If you don’t, then don’t be disappointed when they rise to the level you set.
Then you are way too old to be taking girls to High School Homecoming dances!!
I don’t think the young women are growing up any faster than the young men. Part of it seems to be that nothing in life seems to be permanent these days, whether it be jobs, careers, or relationships. I really think we have to blame both government and corporate America for not allowing even the best and brightest highly skilled jobs and careers to endure for more than few years. Yes, Globalism is affecting this, and it affects the children, trite as that may sound.
Politicians of both major parties often are often from second and third generation political families, who have never had real world jobs in their life. So the decisions they make often do not favor real world America. Illegal immigration is just one of those out of touch issues.
Another thing that amazes me is that many young women in their late teens and early twenties seem to no longer wear rings, at least not on their fingers! They used to wear one if not many rings on theit fingers to signify that they were in a more than short term relationship.
All your rules are great advice for every parent!
sex should be emotionless, without attachments, with the use of the female using birth control of course, because we wouldn't want to slow down our young men any with fatherhood....
society is going to get what it wants and its going to get it good and hard...
Because a half century of feminist propaganda disseminated by the eduKKKrats have told them that's the way they should behave.
And how can I help my two teenage boys ---
I don't know if you can help them, other than making very clear the consequences like STD's and how much it will cost them if they get somebody knocked up. There are simply too many girls around who put out without asking for anything in return. Guys have always been this way. It was the girls who said no. If the girls don't say no, the guys sure as hell aren't going to.
You are right - that does sound very depressing!
“But why is it true?”
Because many teenagers have been led to believe that the old ways are boring, outmoded, and require too much effort and emotional investment.
“And how can I help my two teenage boys -—”
Teach them the old ways. Seriously, teach them to dance (ballroom dance). They’ll hate you now, but thank you later. If you have to, resort to outright bribery. It’s worth it.
“Good Lord, I think of my father and mother, growing up in the Depression, who had lots of friends who liked to sing, dance, play musical instruments, go to movies, -—oh, take walks, even. Knew how to be friends, how to date and how to court -—Knew how to have a good time-—”
Great. Now throw away your TV and computer and buy a piano instead. Sing as a family. No, I’m not kidding. I remember Professor John Senior giving that advice years ago:
“First, negatively, smash the television set. The Catholic Church is not opposed to violence; only to unjust violence; so smash the television set. And, positively, put the time and money you now spend on such entertainment into a piano so that music is restored to your home, common, ordinary Christian music, much of which is very simple to play.”
(Senior, Restoration of Christian Culture)
“I’m rambling because I don’t quite know what to say. This hang out, hook up thing isn’t fun or liberated or anything. It’s just depressing. Don’t you think so?”
Yep. I deal with it head on all the time. I know far too many teenagers in my town. They are wonderful kids in so many ways, but messed up too and so obviously tainted by this world.
That's part of it.
However, the blame is not entirely on the girls. We guys should treat all females with the same respect and dignity that would otherwise be accorded to our mothers and our sisters, irrespective of how the girls are acting. It's part of being a gentleman.
And most of the blame lies at the feet of parents who don't teach (by example) their children how to act as ladies and gentlemen.
I dunno, my daughter got taken to Homecoming dances and to the junior and senior proms, as well as annual JROTC balls at which the young gentlemen dressed in their fine uniforms. This was just a couple of years ago. We live near Washington DC.
Thank goodness this fad is starting to fade - especially among the skater kids. They are going for very snug pants. Even the white kids are going tighter. Only the ghetto kids and the wanna be's are wearing the super loose pants.
At least that's how it is in NoVa - things may be different in your corner of the world.
It is one thing if he invited her to a dressy occasion at another venue. But to invite her to a dance and then not take her to the dance is just plain wrong.
I have no problem with students not attending their high school’s particular function. But to invite someone one place and then to renege, and especially without prior warning to the invitee, is just plain wrong.
Don't forget the infamous underwear checking that started a couple of years ago.
Wasn't there even ONE father there, who could look a boy in the eye and simply say "you ARE taking my daughter to the dance, aren't you?"
If the boy didn't respect that coming from a father, he won't respect anyone.
Girls don't have to take that disrespect.
My girlfriend (she is 50) can’t find a decent man. All they want is to “hook up” on the first date. None of them open doors, they drive up, wait in the car etc. All the things that an attentive father would have not allowed. You’d think at that age....but no....
I think he had a good time. He ended up going to someone's house afterwards with a group of kids, where they watched a movie ... and he made it home by his midnight curfew.
High school dances seem to be, as this man describes, mostly for girls to "see and be seen"; to show off for their friends. If a boy doesn't have, and doesn't want, a girlfriend, why should he volunteer to be "arm candy" for some girl who will barely give him the time of day on Monday morning? (Yes, I know, the boys supposedly asked the girls out. However, I know from my son's experience that a girl will sometimes pressure a boy to do that, and if he's not careful he'll get himself in a situation where it's impossible to turn her down without "losing face".)
Anyway, the solution for these girls is very simple: find other boys to date, and make their expectations clear.
I don't see much point in pushing high school kids to date anyway. It's not like they're really in the market for a spouse yet, so it can't lead to much good. If they want to date, that's different. But it really shouldn't be an expectation, IMO.
I heard that when reading Romeo and Juliet in school, kids find it funny that Juliet would kill herself over Romeo’s tragic demise.
I guess they see it the way we would if someone killed himself over the death of his golfing buddy.
Rule Eleven: Nod and smile at Papa. What he does not know will not hurt him.
I only hold doors open for real ladies.
The rest can kiss my behind.
Rule Twelve: No amount of smiling or nodding will fix a positive pregnancy test.