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Asteroid Test says a lot about candidates (Funny!)
The Columbus Dispatch ^ | December 20, 2007 | Joe Blundo

Posted on 12/20/2007 5:21:42 AM PST by 2ndDivisionVet

Today, I present my handy guide to choosing a presidential candidate. I call it the Asteroid Test.

Imagine this scenario: A mile-wide asteroid is hurtling toward Earth. Scientists say a collision is imminent and that it will obliterate life on the planet.

Now ask yourself this: What would each presidential candidate do? (Disregard my own candidacy, which is strictly a Flip Side

phenomenon.)

Here's how I see some of our presidential hopefuls reacting when I run through the asteroid exercise:

• Joe Biden: He would speak at great length on how to solve the crisis. His plan might not work, but the gale-force winds he generates while talking it up could steer the asteroid off course.

• Hillary Clinton: She would go on a nationwide listening tour to gather ideas, then take a position carefully calibrated to ensure that, no matter what happened, it wouldn't be her fault.

• Chris Dodd: He would say not to worry: Two decades in the U.S. Senate have taught him how to deal with a ponderous mass that drifts aimlessly.

• John Edwards: He would assure us of this: The poor and disenfranchised will suffer most in the coming extinction.

• Rudy Giuliani: There's no telling how he might react, but he would undoubtedly want to name the asteroid 9/11.

• Mike Gravel: He would continue to advocate legalization of marijuana so we could enjoy the pretty colors when the asteroid hits.

• Mike Huckabee: He would encourage us to pray -- for ourselves and perhaps for the asteroid, too. After all, it came from out of nowhere, just as he did.

• Duncan Hunter: He would say, "See? I told you we need a border fence."

• Dennis Kucinich: He would come up with a refreshingly offbeat solution to the problem while continuing to battle perceptions that he was born on an asteroid himself.

• John McCain: In a "straight-talk" address to the nation, he would warn that the asteroid must be destroyed without resorting to pork-barrel spending.

• Barack Obama: He would say we must rise above the asteroid, rather than allow it to tear us apart. People might find this vague, but they'll applaud anyway because Oprah asked them to.

• Ron Paul: He would let the free market take care of it.

• Bill Richardson: He would try to impress the asteroid with his lengthy resume and self-deprecating humor.

• Mitt Romney: He would seek to assure Christian conservatives in Iowa that, should the worst happen, he will be in the same heaven as they are.

• Tom Tancredo: He would vow to send the asteroid back where it came from, then seal the nation's borders against future attempts at illegal entry.

• Fred Thompson: He would announce his intent to mosey on down to the Pentagon and see whether the generals had any ideas about dealing with the doggone thing.


TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: 2008; asteroids; barackobama; billrichardson; chrisdodd; democratparty; democrats; denniskucinich; duncanhunter; election; electionpresident; elections; fredthompson; gop; hillary; hillaryclinton; humor; joebiden; johnedwards; johnmccain; mittromney; obama; pentagon; republicans; ronpaul; rudygiuliani; satire; tomtancredo
Fred's the MAN!!
1 posted on 12/20/2007 5:21:44 AM PST by 2ndDivisionVet
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Fred would stare the asteroid down, and the asteroid would turn around and aim itself at some other planet, preferably one with muslims and illegal aliens on it.


2 posted on 12/20/2007 5:25:26 AM PST by SlowBoat407 (Just how will wrecking the U.S. economy save the planet?)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Better Fred than dead!.........


3 posted on 12/20/2007 5:25:29 AM PST by Red Badger ( We don't have science, but we do have consensus.......)
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To: SlowBoat407

Or he would just throw Chuck Norris AND Jack Bauer at it.


4 posted on 12/20/2007 5:25:50 AM PST by SlowBoat407 (Just how will wrecking the U.S. economy save the planet?)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

“• Fred Thompson: He would announce his intent to mosey on down to the Pentagon and see whether the generals had any ideas about dealing with the doggone thing.”

Or....

Fred would announce his interest in maybe dealing with the problem, but he’ll let us know in a few months. In the meanwhile, he’s taking a nap. Secretary of Defense Hunter and the Generals came up with a plan to destroy it, but Fred says, aw shucks guys, there’s plenty of time.

Boom.


5 posted on 12/20/2007 5:27:04 AM PST by GovernmentIsTheProblem (The GOP is "Whig"ing out.)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet
Great quote I came across on another thread this morning:

Webster’s dictionary defines “conservatism” as “how closely one’s views resemble those of Fred Thompson.”

Love it!
6 posted on 12/20/2007 5:27:49 AM PST by MaryFromMichigan (Merry CHRISTmas!)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

All the Democrat candidates would blame Bush.


7 posted on 12/20/2007 5:27:58 AM PST by Slapshot68
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

I don’t think candidates should use asteroids.


8 posted on 12/20/2007 5:28:56 AM PST by the invisib1e hand (whose spirit is hillary channelling these days?)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya’ got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty Griswold: Ya’ got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can’t even sit on the toilet some days.


9 posted on 12/20/2007 5:30:44 AM PST by reagan_fanatic (Ron Paul put the cuckoo in my Cocoa Puffs)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

And John Kerry, though not a candidate this time around, would point out that he served in Vietnam.


10 posted on 12/20/2007 5:31:41 AM PST by samtheman (Huckabee. A Bible-Packing Leftist.)
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To: samtheman
"And John Kerry, though not a candidate this time around, would point out that he served in Vietnam."

Heh, learn something new everyday!

11 posted on 12/20/2007 5:34:53 AM PST by The G Man (The NY Times did "great harm to the United States" - President George W. Bush 6/26/06)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Don’t you get rid of those with Preparation H?


12 posted on 12/20/2007 5:36:57 AM PST by ontap (Just another backstabbing conservative)
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To: The G Man
"And John Kerry, though not a candidate this time around, would point out that he served in Vietnam."

John's wife would say "Let them go naked" after the asteriod hits.

LOLARMAO

13 posted on 12/20/2007 5:41:20 AM PST by sr4402
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To: sr4402
Barack Huseien Obama would say he had to Nuke Pakistan (an Allies first) and get rid of Osama before he dealt with the Asteroid.
14 posted on 12/20/2007 5:44:08 AM PST by sr4402
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Fred Thompson would say, “Damn it, McLane, I told you to stay out of the tower. This is a restricted area!” Then Bruce Willis would have to land on the asteroid himself and plant a nuclear device...wait, I think I’m mixing up two movies.


15 posted on 12/20/2007 5:46:19 AM PST by Larry Lucido (Hunter 2008)
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To: sr4402; The G Man

Ta-ray-za: “Bring me some raisins and rum! Quick!”


16 posted on 12/20/2007 5:47:24 AM PST by Larry Lucido (Hunter 2008)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

If it’s a big rock, you gotta deflect it. If it’s a missle headed for NYC, guarenteed to knocl down several bldgs. and kill millions, let it coome on in. We can’t have no missle defense!!!


17 posted on 12/20/2007 5:57:50 AM PST by Waco
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Ron Paul: “Our continued presence in space has most certainly upset the asteroid. If only we were to completely pull out of space the asteroid would have no reason to want to hit us.”


18 posted on 12/20/2007 5:59:19 AM PST by mmichaels1970
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To: the invisib1e hand

But they do help to reduce swelling in the nether regions, something afflicting most of the presidential candidates...


19 posted on 12/20/2007 7:11:18 AM PST by mikrofon (Oh, THOSE asteroids!)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

Ass steroids? The Hildebeast flatly denies ever having used them!


20 posted on 12/20/2007 8:32:53 AM PST by rfp1234 (Mundus vult decipi: the world wants to be deceived. ---James Branch Cabell)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet; Guenevere; Issaquahking; SierraWasp

“• Duncan Hunter: He would say, “See? I told you we need a border fence.”

Sweet! lol


21 posted on 12/20/2007 8:43:59 AM PST by AuntB (" It takes more than walking across the border to be an American." Duncan Hunter)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet

FREDeralist!

FREDinator!

FRED state!

FRED, White and Blue!

FREDDY or not...


22 posted on 12/20/2007 12:45:01 PM PST by Jo Nuvark (Those who bless Israel will be blessed, those who curse Israel will be cursed. Gen 12:3)
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To: reagan_fanatic

“Fixed the nule post!”


23 posted on 12/20/2007 12:46:57 PM PST by Jo Nuvark (Those who bless Israel will be blessed, those who curse Israel will be cursed. Gen 12:3)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet; SlowBoat407; Red Badger; GovernmentIsTheProblem; MaryFromMichigan; Slapshot68; ...

Barry Walters and the rest of the “Greenies”
http://www.thedailygreen.com/environmental-news/latest/baby-carbon-tax-47121014
would be jubilant at the prospect of half the
HUMAN earth abusers being wiped from it.
Just not them.


24 posted on 12/20/2007 1:02:09 PM PST by Jo Nuvark (Those who bless Israel will be blessed, those who curse Israel will be cursed. Gen 12:3)
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To: 2ndDivisionVet
If the event were handled the same way as the primary to date...

Thompson would consult with generals an technology experts to come up with a set of plans and contingency plans. While this was going on, the media tells everyone that Thompson has "waited too long" to get started and should be "doing something" about the problem right now.

When Thompson announces the plan, he lays out the problem, the results of doing nothing, and the risks involved with the plan. He is immediately branded as a "failure" before the plan is even put into action.

Meanwhile, over at Free Republic, while most folks understand and support the decision and make their preparations, a few obnoxious vocal minorities start with their squawking.

One group will claim that the asteroid impact will "clean out the RINOs once and for all. Another sect will be relieved that it will prevent a Clinton from ever being in the White House again. Ron Paul supporters will claim it's our own fault, and that doing anything about it will simply invite more asteroids to attack.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

25 posted on 12/21/2007 7:01:07 AM PST by kevkrom (All those in favor of Thompson, don't raise your hand.)
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To: kevkrom

Fred would say” an asteroid dudint take dump without a plan
son!


26 posted on 02/19/2008 4:25:55 PM PST by Blacksheep
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