Posted on 12/24/2007 8:52:30 AM PST by Diana in Wisconsin
When Michael Rosenblum and Justine Harris met in college and started dating, they were convinced they could never get married.
He came from a conservative Jewish household where the family kept kosher. She hadn't been raised in a very religious family, but after years of attending Catholic mass with friends, she joined the church as a young college student.
Though they were having a good time together as a couple, "we saw (our different religions) as a big stumbling block," Rosenblum said.
Ultimately, they decided that scrapping the relationship because of religion wasn't worth it and ended up marrying. But like other Jewish and Christian interfaith couples, they still faced questions of how to celebrate certain holidays, especially when they decided to become parents.
Local religious leaders say that marrying someone of a different faith seems to be less of a sticking point than it was several decades ago, and observe that couples are thoughtful in their approach to celebrating this time of year, whether they choose to observe both traditions or not.
Michael Schuler, senior minister at the First Unitarian Society of Madison, said that in his congregation, some interfaith families celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas, while some might enjoy the nature-based tradition of Winter Solstice and Christmas.
"It's not a matter of either/or for most of them," Schuler said. Families seem to be "very creative and relaxed about these things or maybe they just don't invite me into their squabble, that's always possible too."
For interfaith families raising their children Jewish, non-Jewish Moms and Dads "want to be respectful of their (own) parents' observances, and yet as members of our community, our parents want to provide their children with an authentic Jewish experience both at synagogue and at home," said Rabbi Jonathan Biatch of Temple Beth El. The most important thing is to remind everyone in the family to be respectful of other religious traditions.
Rosenblum and Harris wanted to raise the children in one faith, and decided that Aaron, 11, and Eli, 10, would be brought up Jewish because Rosenblum had been raised in a strong faith tradition and they liked the welcoming Jewish community in Madison.
But the family still celebrates Christmas in honor of Justine's faith. In addition to the festive Christmas tree, the house is currently decorated with a clay nativity scene from Cameroon, and ornaments hung from the ceiling.
At Hanukkah, the family displays its collection of menorahs, and lights the candles each of the eight nights.
Finding patience
"It hasn't always been this happy, rosy thing," Harris said. A certain amount of patience and willingness to learn about the other's heritage is needed on both sides, and it helps to explicitly explain certain rituals, too.
Of Christmas, Harris said, "It's not his tradition so he doesn't know how to do it. You don't just throw the ornaments on (the tree), you have to talk about the ornaments."
She's learned to see the menorah as more than candles, but appreciate the meaning behind it, and the blessings that accompany the lighting of the candles.
"If it's not your own tradition, it's hard to embrace it the way that the other person expects you to embrace it," Harris said.
Helping Dad celebrate
In Steve and Staci Rieder's family, the four children are being raised Jewish, but the kids "help Dad," who grew up Catholic, to celebrate Christmas when they visit Steve's parents, his sisters and their families.
The kids open presents at their Christian grandparents' house, but it is understood that they are opening Hanukkah presents.
"From early on we knew whatever kids we had would be Jewish," Steve said. "We don't do any Christmas things in our home."
Still, there are times when things get a bit "fuzzy," Steve said. They checked out the holiday lights display at Olin Park together this year, and the kids watch "Frosty the Snowman" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" on television. At the same time, the kids sometimes wonder why they can't have Christmas lights on the house like many other homes.
During the Christmas season, "There are some pangs there for me. I feel some level of missing things, (like) that Christmas morning excitement."
But, he added, "I'm very comfortable and pleased with the decisions we've made."
Retaining a Jewish identity
Jen Rubin, who grew up in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood in New York City said she only wanted her house to be a Jewish house. That wasn't a problem for her husband because he is an atheist, though he celebrated Christmas as a child. Their kids, Eli and Tamar, do celebrate Christmas when they visit their grandparents in Idaho.
"They keep it low key and are respectful," Rubin said. In Idaho, "We do the Christmas tree and presents but we don't leave out cookies and tea for Santa Claus."
The kids have friends who come over and play dreidel and eat latkes, and Rubin's kids will go to their friends' house and help decorate the Christmas trees.
"Kids are interested in things that are different," she said. "When I was a kid I went to midnight mass with my friends. I think it's interesting to know how people celebrate."
At the same time, there is so much immigration and assimilation in the country, and with parents who are first generation Americans, it is important to Rubin that her family retains its Jewish identity.
"When the dominant culture is Christianity," Rubin said, "you have to protect your space a little bit."
Embracing the tree
When Annie Wanless, who is Jewish, married her second husband, Matt, his one request was having a tree at Christmas. She was delighted.
"I've wanted one since I was little," Annie said. "I don't pretend and say it's a Hanukkah bush or anything."
She likes having a tree because they're beautiful, they smell nice and their lights brighten up the shorter days of winter.
The couple hosts Matt's family for Christmas Eve dinner each year because their house fits all the family members comfortably. Their daughter, 8, says a Hebrew blessing over the bread and Matt's mother says a Christian blessing.
They still exchange gifts, "but to me, it's presents -- it has nothing to do with religion," Annie said.
"When people say 'Merry Christmas' to me in the store, I'm never offended," she said. "It's meant to be good wishes."
Appreciating both
For Justine Harris and Michael Rosenblum's kids, celebrating both holidays keep them occupied with fun things to do.
At this time of year, Eli said he likes "celebrating together and snow and hoopla."
"I enjoy decorating the Christmas tree, and sort of going over to my friends' houses and seeing what their Christmas trees are like, if they have one," said Aaron. "For Hanukkah, I like the latkes and the lighting of the candles."
Because of the wide range of stuff to do, "I don't really get bored," Aaron said.
Oops! This should have been posted in “Religion.” Sorry!
Merry / Happy to you and yours.
As with most topics, we know what God has to say on the subject, because He spells out the issue of being “unequally yoked” in 2 Cor 6:14.
Why is this a problem? Do what you want. Teach your kids to be kind and responsible and to respect what others may choose to do.....within the guidelines of “morality”.
As soon as they quoted the Unitarian “minister”, I stopped reading because I figure it can only go further downhill from there.
What challenges? Respect each others’ beliefs and there’s no problem. I’m an atheist and I have a great time during Christmas with my family.
OTOH, I know of some atheists who try to kill the season for everybody, refusing to go to services with their family and making a point of it on principle, etc. You reap what you sow, no faith, no family, what is left? Spending the rest of your life on a lonely antagonistic crusade?
Which reminds me of an old Woody Allen joke:
"I'm an agnostic and my wife is an atheist. We have to decide which religion NOT to raise our children in!"
Reporter is clueless here about Judaism, where heredity is passed via the mother. She need to convert (Orthodox style) before the kids were born for them to be considered Jewish.
Whatever gets you through the night.....
“As soon as they quoted the Unitarian “minister”, I stopped reading because I figure it can only go further downhill from there.”
My sentiments exactly. A Unitarian minister knows about as much about the kingdom of God as a pig knows about calculus.
“Ultimately, they decided that scrapping the relationship because of religion wasn’t worth it and ended up marrying.”
A wonderful idea. Perhaps, in time, the husband will come to Christ.
Something wrong with being a Jew?
They couldnt find a muslim-christian marriage to talk about??????? Do they exist????
There are atheists - those who don't believe in God, but don't care if other do
Then there are anti-theists. Not only do those people not believe in God, they don't want others to do so either.
I get along fine with atheists, but not anti-theists.
Perhaps in time, the husband will come to realize his destiny as a member of the Holy Nation, the Nation of Priests, and give her up +accept Torah Judaism.
I know it will likely not happen, but I pray that it does. This marriage will be a disaster for both of them.
And then you have those bigots who think that there is only one true way to believe and everyone who doesn’t do it as they do are not going to be saved or worse.
Same here. It's like they want to make everybody's life miserable.
My buddy is a generic Protestant and married a NYC secular Jew. He brought in the Christmas tree and let his kids enjoy that and introduced how presents work to her parents.
When the marriage went south and she refused to go to counseling and pushed him out the door, I remembered how he decried one lunch to me not long before that it wasn’t that there was something on the wall. It was that there was nothing on the wall. A complete lack of spirituality in the home.
Now divorced, in two years he remarried a nice, good humored Irish Catholic girl.
And his Jewish wife who sought and got the divorce which she pushed in record time, married the Mexican gardner a year later.
Oh and when he sees his young teenage daughter, she recently told him she doesn’t believe in God.
So you see interfaith marriages can work out today just fine. Just don’t believe too strongly in faith when you marry a materialistic secular NYC type.
At 50....I know now I could not have handled a mixed faith marriage with 5 children.
The only other faith I would have even considered progeny with would have been one of several Jewish girls I had relationships with. I dated a Brahmin chick in London and she made it clear immediatley that her folks would never allow a non Brahmin suitor....and she was nice looking.
It’s just not for me....life has enough challenge
I prefer my Dixie Belle.....Protestant, southern accent, same culture as me.
My ex was Brasilian.....and while young and all that comes with that, it was more difficult.
Sharing a common heritage grants an instant commonality.
I started with Thanksgiving, then over to my friend’s for Chanukkah, tomorrow is Christmas and then next week is New Years. I’m gonna plotz!
If they have a problem with Jews....loyzem gayne. Just remember; Never Again.
My wife is a JAP and I a catholic. We have no problems with the holidays. Just as long as I get her what she asks for.
And nothing like a 4 year old running around singing the Dradle song.
I despise extremism in any religion, or non-religion. Dedication is one thing, fanaticism is a completely different thing
“Something wrong with being a Jew?”
Not in this world. Not a bit.
Have known folks in both.
Most challenging are the Jain/Hindu marriages ~ good friends of ours are still working on that one ~ have been for 50 years.
Humanity trumps ceremonial requirements every single time.
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