Posted on 12/31/2007 1:21:17 AM PST by pookie18
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Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend campaigning separately. It's a good tandem. While Hillary was in Iowa offering free health care Saturday, Bill was in Texas offering to take Jessica Simpson off Tony Romo's hands til after the Super Bowl.
Charlie Wilson's War opened Friday, about a hard-drinking and coke-snorting and womanizing U.S. congressman who secretly helped Muslim rebels beat the Soviet Army in Afghanistan in the Eighties. In the end he felt betrayed. He helped Ronald Reagan to defeat the Soviets and then Nancy Reagan thanked him by overthrowing his lifestyle.
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates reported back to Washington Friday following his fact-finding mission to Iraq. Despite recent military success, the government remains completely dysfunctional. Perhaps the United States isn't ready for democracy.
Rudy Giuliani ordered his New York-bound plane to turn around and return to St. Louis where he was hospitalized Wednesday. He insisted on going to Barnes Jewish Hospital. He did not want any of Mike Huckabee's people standing near the oxygen hose.
House Democrats adjourned Congress Friday with approval ratings even lower than the president's. It's just awful. If congressmen weren't allowed to wear their pants any higher than their approval ratings, they'd all be doing Bill Clinton impressions.
Barack Obama complained Thursday about his opponents bringing up his past drug use. He admits using cocaine, but he now acts wounded if anyone brings it up. Iowa voters are very upset that he used cocaine, they believe he should have used ethanol.
Hillary Clinton campaigned in New Hampshire Saturday in the lobby of a YWCA in the town of Manchester. She's always had a soft spot in her heart for New Hampshire. The state's motto is Live Free or Die, and Bill had it inserted in their marriage vows.
Mike Huckabee said the glowing cross over his shoulder in his Christmas ad was accidental. He says that's just how the light hit a bookcase behind him. As long as Mike Huckabee is campaigning, how can Burger King call itself the Home of the Whopper?
Hillary Clinton promised to fulfill America's promise to veterans at the Iowa Veterans Home in Marshalltown. She once tried to enlist in the Marines in the early Seventies, but she was turned down. They told her we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.
President Bush warned reporters on Thursday about the danger of Iran's nuclear program. He really shouldn't worry. If history is any guide, Iran will use its nuclear power for peaceful purposes, unless somebody draws a cartoon they don't like.
Rudy Giuliani had to assure reporters Monday he's perfectly healthy. The press has been grilling him about tests done in a St. Louis hospital last week. Apparently someone in Hillary's campaign is spreading rumors that he tested positive for cocaine.
Democratic officials expressed worry Monday about how to get first-time caucus goers to show up at the Iowa caucuses next week. The candidates worry their people have promised to show up but they won't keep their promises. What goes around comes around.
Benazir Bhutto was killed while waving to the crowd through the sunroof of her car. It's a campaign issue. Hillary called for calm, John McCain called for action, and Ralph Nader may join the race just to raise the issue that sunroofs are dangerous.
-- Argus Hamilton
- - Leno
- - Letterman
The Israeli Ambassador at the United Nations began, “Ladies and gentlemen, before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you…
“When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert. The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts’ contend.
“Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water, he discovered that al his clothes had been stolen. “And,” he said, “I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.”
The Palestinian delegate, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, “This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!”
“And with that in mind,” said the Israeli Ambassador, “let me now begin my speech.”
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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by GeorgeWashington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What the hell did you think I said?"
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The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
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Chelsea Clinton was departing her plane at the airport and came upon a soldier and proceeded to talk to him.
She asked him where he had been, to which he replied “Baghdad”. She praised him for what he had done for the country and asked “Were you scared?”
He replied, “No, but I am scared about what I am facing as I return to the United States.” Chelsea asked, “What are you afraid of as you return to the United States?”
He looked seriously at her and said “I am afraid of three things: Osama, Obama and Yomama.”
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In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the starting QB for the Packers during the playoffs.
She claimed she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. Because of this she understands how to pick up a corner blitz and knows the terminology of the Packers offense. A poll of Packers fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.
Does this sounds idiotic and unbelievable to you?
Yet Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed.
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here."
JOHN KERRY: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it."
PAT BUCHANAN: "To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American."
BILL CLINTON: " I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?"
AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"
DICK CHENEY: "Where's my gun?"
AL SHARPTON: "Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens."
HILLARY CLINTON: "I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire."
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Political Cryptoquote:
XVQB WJOIVQJ ULV YL SLB BIAJ IS
ZSBJPJQB ZS MLEZBZOQ, YLJQ SLB
FJIS MLEZBZOQ RLS'B BIAJ IS
ZSBJPJQB ZS ULV. - - MJPZOEJQ
SUPERSIZED
(Thank you, arbooz)
(Thank you, reagan_fanatic)
Pookie = FR!
Happy New Year pookie
Thanx Pookie!
AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"
LOLOLOL!
mornin Pookie..thanks!
Like, noway, Like, I'm not, Like "trailor trash" fer-sure
AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"
LOLOLOL!
DollyCali sent those to me...
:-(
Soaking up the snow in Bali?
I don’t say it often enough. Thank you for collecting these each morning. One of my first stops, even before the shower!
Happy New Year!
Morning, Pookie, and thanks for the ping and the great smiles! The credit for the “72 Virginians” joke should go to our own FReeper, Our man in Washington, who created it.
Hope you and your have a healthy and a Happy New Year.
Thanks Pookie for the many, and I do mean many laughs.
Mike
Happy and Healthy New Year to you.
Bttt
Just to let you know... the late night shows are coming back Wednesday, Letterman with writers, Leno without.
Excellent jokes, BTW. The 72 Virginians cracked me up.
Happy new year!
Thank you for the ping pook and all your hard work of 2007.
Happy New Years to you and yours.
Congratulations! Not a single “Peace Dove” was slandered in the making of any of these Benazir Bhutto cartoons! That is a remarkable achievement!
Soaking up the snow in Bali?
Pookie, got that right and via a private jet, to boot.
Like, noway, Like, I'm not, Like "trailor trash" fer-sure
How about?
Like, noway, Like, I'm not, Like "outhouse trash" fer-sure!
Happy New Year to you pookie18 & all of your fans & readers here
Stay safe & have fun the next few days!
Thanks! Alwaysconservative, good to see you back! Happy New Year!
Thanks Pookie!! Have a very Happy & Healthy New Year!!
thanks pookie! Happy New Year!!! :D check your email!
I made up my own set of answers to the ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ joke:
John Kerry: He crossed the road because he thought the grass was greener on the other side...but then he stopped and thought, y’know, it was actually greener on the side I was originally on. So he starts heading back to the first side but thinks again, Well I dunno, it wasn’t THAT bad over there...
Al Gore: He walked out into the street in the hope of getting the guy driving a huge gas-guzzling SUV to stop so he could listen to the chicken tell him that his car was contributing to global warming
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Well, let me ask YOU a question...
John Edwards: To get to the other America
Barack Obama: He was off to sit down and speak with his enemies at a conference, no doubt
George Soros: He wanted to move on...
Ted Kennedy: Better a road to cross than a bridge! *Hic*
Jacques Chirac: The cheese is better on the other side
Hillary Clinton: Because he was left homeless and wandering since he had nothing left after having everything taken away from him on behalf of the common good
Michael Moore: Mmmmm! Chicken!
Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi: He was running from his enemies, too much of a coward to fight back
Mary Landrieu: He was making a hard-fought journey after surviving a devastating hurricane to complain to FEMA that he wasn’t getting all the benefits he was entitled to, because that’s more effective than getting a job and paying for them instead
Amnesty supporters: He was making the long, hard trek across the border illegally looking for a better life in the United States, only to demand the same rights as citizens and eat up benefits and live off the system
Since the writers are on strike, if you ever need any more of those quotes about recent news events with humorous twists to them....
-Last November scientists in Iceland stated they think they have found the world’s oldest clam in their country. Upon hearing this, an American scientist made a call to Reykjavik and said “I think you may be mistaken, guys. Helen Thomas is American.”
-After ages of searching the hazardous mountains of Pakistan, US troops are exhausted. “We just can’t find Osama bin Laden anywhere!” one sergeant commented. President Bush offered a surefire suggestion on how to catch him: Invite him to speak at Columbia University.
-The San Diego Zoo sent out announcements earlier saying that they were looking for new monkeys for their exhibits to replace the ones lost in the fires. They said if any zoos had surplus animals they would gladly accept them. One caller from Iran, however, made an offer to which the Zoo’s reply was, “I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid we cannot accept your President.”
-It seems that every day more and more reports come out about Chinese-made goods containing lead and various other toxins. People are asking “Where in the world do they GET all these poisons?!” To that question reporters provided a simple answer: “Russia’s their neighbor.”
-On Halloween night, an old man was found lying on the floor in front of his door. After recieving medical attention at the nearest hospital, it was found that he had suffered a heart attack. The man said he had no history of heart trouble in his family, nor did he have high blood pressure or cholesterol. At a loss for a medical explanation, the doctor asked the man if he had any idea what caused the attack. The man said, “Well, the last thing I remember before collapsing was a trick-or-treater wearing a Hillary mask.”
-The southern US recently experienced a major heat spike and droughts. Authorites warned people not to go outside, and to be sure to have lots of food with them and eat frequently, because the crankiness associated with low blood sugar from chronic fasting combined with the risk of going mad from the heat can produce some ugly results. One civilian commented, “Well, that explains the Middle East.”
-A few months ago, Saudi Prince Waleed bin Talal bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud purchased the world’s first “flying palace,” a $475-million Airbus jumbo jet. This guy is the richest Arab in the world, and the largest shareholder in Citibank. The Democrats are just frothing at the mouth to tax him.
-After taking control and blacking out the media due to unrest, Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf had several hundred lawyers, activists, and Supreme Court judges arrested and thrown in jail. President Bush sent Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice over to investigate and learn how Musharraf does it so efficiently.
-Scientists recently announced they think they’ve found bacterial life on Mars. This is puzzling news...Congress meets in DC!
Mucho thanks, Pookie, for the toons every weekday! You do a super job. I’m looking forward to the great toons to come in 2008!
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!
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