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Iowahawk: An Archbishop of Canterbury Tale (Rowan Williams lampooned in Chaucerian verse. Hoot!)
Iowahawk blog ^ | February 12, 2008 | Iowahawk "With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer"

Posted on 02/13/2008 11:16:51 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o

Heere Bigynneth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte.

1 Whan in Februar, withe hise global warmynge

2 Midst unseasonabyl rain and stormynge

3 Gaia in hyr heat encourages

4 Englande folke to goon pilgrimages.

5 Frome everiches farme and shire

6 Frome London Towne and Lancanshire

7 The pilgryms toward Canterbury wended

8 Wyth fyve weke holiday leave extended

9 In hybryd Prius and Subaru

10 Off the Boughton Bypasse, east on M2.

11 Fouer and Twyntie theye came to seke

12 The Arche-Bishop, wyse and meke

13 Labouryte and hippye, Gaye and Greene

14 Anti-warre and libertyne

15 All sondry folke urbayne and progressyve

16 Vexed by Musselmans aggressyve.

17 Hie and thither to the Arche-Bishop's manse

18 The pilgryms ryde and fynde perchance

19 The hooly Bishop takynge tea

20 Whilste watching himselfe on BBC.

21 Heere was a hooly manne of peace

22 Withe bearyd of snow and wyld brows of fleece

23 Whilhom stoode athwart the Bush crusades

24 Withe peace march papier-mache paraydes.

25 Sayeth the pilgryms to Bishop Rowan,

26 "Father, we do not like howe thynges are goin'.

27 You know we are as Lefte as thee,

28 But of layte have beyn chaunced to see

29 From Edinburgh to London-towne

30 The Musslemans in burnoose gowne

31 Who beat theyr ownselfs with theyr knyves

32 Than goon home and beat theyr wyves

33 And slaye theyr daughtyrs in honour killlynge

34 Howe do we stoppe the bloode fromme spillynge?"

35 The Bishop sipped upon hys tea

36 And sayed, "an open mind must we

37 Keep, for know thee well the Mussel-man

38 Has hys own laws for hys own clan

39 So question not hys Muslim reason

40 And presaerve ye well social cohesion."

41 Sayth the libertine, "'tis well and goode

42 But sharia goes now where nae it should;

43 I liketh bigge buttes and I cannot lye,

44 You othere faelows can't denye,

45 But the council closed my wenching pub,

46 To please the Imams, aye thaere's the rub."

47 Sayeth the Bishop, strokynge his chin,

48 "To the Mosque-man, sexe is sinne

49 So as to staye in his goode-graces

50 Cover well thy wenches' faces

51 And abstain ye Chavs from ribaldry

52 Welcome him to our communitie."

53 "But Father Williams," sayed the Gaye-manne

54 "Though I am but a layman

55 The Mussleman youthes hath smyte me so

56 Whan on streets I saunter wyth my beau."

57 Sayed the Bishop in a curt replye

58 "I am as toolrant as anye oothere guy,

59 But if Mussleman law sayes no packynge fudge,

60 Really nowe, who are we to judge?"

61 Then bespake the Po-Mo artist,

62 "My last skulptyure was hailed as smartest

63 Bye sondry criticks at the Tate

64 Whom called it genius, brillyant, greate

65 A Jesus skulpted out of dunge

66 Earned four starres in the Guardian;

67 But now the same schtick withe Mo-ha-med

68 Has earned a bountye on my hed."

69 Sayed the Bishop, "that's quyte impressyve

70 To crafte a Jesus so transgressyve

71 But to do so with the Muslim Prophet

72 Doomed thy neck to lose whats off it.

73 Thou should have showen mor chivalrie

74 In committynge such a blasphemie."

75 And so it went, the pilgryms all

76 Complaynynge of the Muslim thrall;

77 To eaches same the Bishop lectured

78 About the cultur fabrick textured

79 With rainbow threyds from everie nation

80 With rainbow laws for all situations.

81 "But Father Rowan, we bathyr nae one

82 We onlye want to hav our funne!"

83 "But the Musselman is sure to see

84 Thy funne as Western hegemony.

85 'Tis not Cristian for Cristians to cause

86 The Moor to live by Cristendom's laws

87 Whan he has hise sovereyn culture

88 Crist bade us put ours in sepulture.

89 To be divyne we must first be diverse

90 So cheer thee well, thynges could be wors

91 Sharia is Englishe as tea and scones,

92 So everybody muste get stoned."

93 The pilgryms shuffled for the door

94 To face the rule of the Moor;

95 Poets, Professors, Starbucks workers

96 Donning turbans, veils and burqqas.

97 As they face theyr fynal curtan

98 Of Englande folk, one thynge is certan:

99 Dying by theyr own thousande cuts,

100 The Englande folk are folking nuts.

101 BURMA SHAVE


TOPICS: Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: canterburytales; chaucer; churchofengland; englandcaliphate; freepun; iowahawk; londonistan; parody; rowanwilliams; sharia
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Please Ping Promiscuously.
1 posted on 02/13/2008 11:16:57 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o
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To: Army Air Corps
Ping to self for later reading.

I recall having to memorise the introduction to Canterbury Tales, so this is funny for so many reasons.

2 posted on 02/13/2008 11:21:17 AM PST by Army Air Corps (Four fried chickens and a coke)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

You do Iowahawk an Internet injustice by posting the entire piece.

However, it’s funny as hell, as is every Iowahawk post.

This bit says it all:

43 I liketh bigge buttes and I cannot lye,

44 You othere faelows can’t denye,

45 But the council closed my wenching pub,

46 To please the Imams, aye thaere’s the rub.”


3 posted on 02/13/2008 11:22:15 AM PST by JoanVarga ("¿Por qué no te calles?")
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To: Mrs. Don-o

OMG that is worthye of a nubile pryse - greatest adventure in modern literature in living memory.

Thankeyou thankeyou thank you.


4 posted on 02/13/2008 11:24:36 AM PST by sodpoodle (charisma ain't character ........well it ain't.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

That was brilliant. Line 20 made me laugh out loud.


5 posted on 02/13/2008 11:31:50 AM PST by agere_contra
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To: sionnsar; Huber; Monkey Face; Darksheare

Poesy.


6 posted on 02/13/2008 11:33:08 AM PST by Tax-chick ("Good guy wins, bad guy gets dead. Nothing to cry over here." ~ trimom)
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To: SLB

Here’s a good laugh for you to enjoy this evening.


7 posted on 02/13/2008 11:35:00 AM PST by Stonewall Jackson (Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory. - George Patton)
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To: MadIvan; don-o; knighthawk; MinorityRepublican; Pyro7480; hail to the chief; Max01; Huber; ...

Ha.


8 posted on 02/13/2008 11:35:20 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o (And smale foweles maken melodye,)
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To: MadIvan; don-o; knighthawk; MinorityRepublican; Pyro7480; hail to the chief; Max01; Huber; ...

Ha.


9 posted on 02/13/2008 11:35:54 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o (And smale foweles maken melodye,)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

Most excellent!


10 posted on 02/13/2008 11:36:00 AM PST by Antoninus (Looks like 2008 could be McCain vs. Hussein.)
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To: dighton; martin_fierro; aculeus; Tijeras_Slim

Pynge to my goode fellowes


11 posted on 02/13/2008 11:36:41 AM PST by Constitution Day
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To: Mrs. Don-o

Oh, hahahoooahahoohhhohoohohhahahahaha


12 posted on 02/13/2008 11:38:06 AM PST by Rick.Donaldson (http://www.transasianaxis.com - Visit for lastest on DPRK/Russia/China/Etc --Fred Thompson for Prez.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o; blam

Medieval Chaucerian humor Pynge!

LOL


13 posted on 02/13/2008 11:40:49 AM PST by dynachrome (Immigration without assimilation means the death of this nation~Captainpaintball)
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To: Tax-chick; Mrs. Don-o

*snort*

Once I got the rhythm of it, it read like silk! Excellent! Thanks for the ping!


14 posted on 02/13/2008 11:41:55 AM PST by Monkey Face (Many minds should be closed for repairs.)
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To: IowaHawk

You, sir, are a genius!


15 posted on 02/13/2008 11:42:05 AM PST by Constitution Day
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To: dighton; aculeus; AnAmericanMother

This’ll killya.


16 posted on 02/13/2008 11:42:37 AM PST by Billthedrill
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To: Mrs. Don-o

xlnt


17 posted on 02/13/2008 11:43:23 AM PST by purpleraine
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To: Mrs. Don-o
ALL RIGHT!!!!

"A moste excellent jeste, by my trouthe!"

18 posted on 02/13/2008 11:44:22 AM PST by AnAmericanMother ((Ministrix of Ye Chase, TTGC Ladies' Auxiliary (recess appointment)))
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To: JoanVarga

It’s true I was unfair to Iowahawk by posting the whole thing. In amends, I ask everybody to go visit the Iowahawk blog, please: there’s much more on the menu, and it’s all so g-o-o-o-d.


19 posted on 02/13/2008 11:44:28 AM PST by Mrs. Don-o (And smale foweles maken melodye,)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

Classic!


20 posted on 02/13/2008 11:45:57 AM PST by Ditto (Global Warming: The 21st Century's Snake Oil)
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To: Monkey Face

91 Sharia is Englishe as tea and scones,

92 So everybody muste get stoned.”


21 posted on 02/13/2008 11:48:14 AM PST by Tax-chick ("Good guy wins, bad guy gets dead. Nothing to cry over here." ~ trimom)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

‘tis a noething, be ye absolved of any discomfit.

:o)


22 posted on 02/13/2008 11:49:16 AM PST by JoanVarga ("¿Por qué no te calles?")
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To: Mrs. Don-o

God, this guy spells almost as bad as I do.


23 posted on 02/13/2008 11:50:11 AM PST by Cheburashka (Liberalism: a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.)
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To: Billthedrill; Constitution Day; IowaHawk; AnAmericanMother; Charles Henrickson; Petronski; ...
Ye Hawke hath slayne me accordynge to his custome.
24 posted on 02/13/2008 11:50:35 AM PST by dighton
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To: Mrs. Don-o

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

I love David Burge! My hero!


25 posted on 02/13/2008 11:52:09 AM PST by Judith Anne (I have no idea what to put here. Not a clue.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

This is so good, it is FATWA-worthy.


26 posted on 02/13/2008 11:56:35 AM PST by bajabaja
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To: IowaHawk
Probably your best work ever.

I predict this one will make the rounds in Merrie Olde England.

27 posted on 02/13/2008 12:03:15 PM PST by The KG9 Kid
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To: Cheburashka
And isn't it splendid how wew all understand it anyhow?! It's all worth it for the final line:

"The Englande folk are folking nuts."

28 posted on 02/13/2008 12:09:02 PM PST by Mrs. Don-o (And smale foweles maken melodye,)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

There’s a few blokes here at BP in Houston who are gone to love this. well writ whit Master Hawk!


29 posted on 02/13/2008 12:10:06 PM PST by dblshot
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To: Mrs. Don-o

The Bard couldn’t have said it better.....


30 posted on 02/13/2008 12:20:38 PM PST by phoenix07
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To: dighton; IowaHawk; Billthedrill

Priceless.


31 posted on 02/13/2008 12:26:02 PM PST by aculeus
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To: Mrs. Don-o
"Of Englande folk, one thynge is certan: 99 Dying by theyr own thousande cuts, 100 The Englande folk are folking nuts. "

"From Greater Arabia shall be born a strong master of Mohammed,
He will enter Europe wearing a blue turban...." - Nostradamus

When the one with blue turban you see,
All men of the western isles get ready to flee...


32 posted on 02/13/2008 12:29:51 PM PST by HowlinglyMind-BendingAbsurdity
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To: Mrs. Don-o

Sheesh - so many typos it was unreadable.


33 posted on 02/13/2008 12:31:13 PM PST by decimon
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To: Mrs. Don-o
packynge fudge ? LOL!!
34 posted on 02/13/2008 12:38:34 PM PST by SW6906 (6 things you can't have too much of: sex, money, firewood, horsepower, guns and ammunition.)
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To: Constitution Day; dighton; aculeus; Tijeras_Slim

'Tis to laugh, by my troth.

35 posted on 02/13/2008 12:40:15 PM PST by martin_fierro (Z O U N D S !)
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To: knighthawk; RaceBannon; OCCASparky

Ping


36 posted on 02/13/2008 12:40:29 PM PST by Little Bill (Welcome to the Newly Socialist State of New Hampshire)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

37 posted on 02/13/2008 12:43:15 PM PST by LexBaird (Behold, thou hast drinken of the Aide of Kool, and are lost unto Men.)
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To: The Spirit Of Allegiance

One for your punner ping list


38 posted on 02/13/2008 12:45:05 PM PST by LexBaird (Behold, thou hast drinken of the Aide of Kool, and are lost unto Men.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o; IowaHawk
91 Sharia is Englishe as tea and scones,

92 So everybody muste get stoned."

This has to be one of Iowahawk's absolute Best!!!

An American Expat in Southeast Asia

39 posted on 02/13/2008 12:47:23 PM PST by expatguy ("An American Expat in Southeast Asia" - New & Improved - Now with Search)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

Aye thanck ye fore sharyng Moste brylliant ande derryng


40 posted on 02/13/2008 12:51:10 PM PST by informavoracious
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To: Mrs. Don-o

I had this in my e-mail box this morning. I doubt I’ll read anything funnier this year, and that includes Steyn.


41 posted on 02/13/2008 12:54:53 PM PST by Dr.Deth
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To: decimon
Whan spekying of poesie for funne,
Ye, think I, be numbr wonne.
42 posted on 02/13/2008 12:58:14 PM PST by Mrs. Don-o (And smale foweles maken melodye.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

Tee hee quode ye.


43 posted on 02/13/2008 1:11:35 PM PST by JusPasenThru (THE WORLD ENDS!!! Conservatives, Republicans hardest hit.)
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To: Mrs. Don-o

Alice folded her hands, and began:

`You are old, Father Williams,' the young man said, `And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head-- Do you think, at your age, it is right?'

`In my youth,' Father Williams replied to his son, `I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again.'

`You are old,' said the youth, `as I mentioned before. And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door-- Pray, what is the reason of that?'

`In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, `I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment--one shilling the box-- Allow me to sell you a couple?'

`You are old,' said the youth, `and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak-- Pray, how did you manage to do it?'

`In my youth,' said his father, `I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life.'

`You are old,' said the youth, `one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose-- What made you so awfully clever?'

`I have answered three questions, and that is enough,' Said the Father, `Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down-stairs!'

`That is not said right,' said the Caterpillar.

`Not quite right, I'm afraid,' said Alice, timidly: `some of the words have got altered.'

`It is wrong from beginning to end,' said the Caterpillar, decidedly; and there was silence for some minutes.

44 posted on 02/13/2008 1:32:00 PM PST by HowlinglyMind-BendingAbsurdity
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To: ExTexasRedhead

funny ping!


45 posted on 02/13/2008 2:13:57 PM PST by dynachrome (Immigration without assimilation means the death of this nation~Captainpaintball)
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To: decimon
Sheesh - so many typos it was unreadable.,/i>

You're kidding, right? It's a parody of Chaucerian prose. You read Chaucer in high school, I'm sure - "Canterbury Tales"?

46 posted on 02/13/2008 3:18:46 PM PST by hsalaw
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To: Mrs. Don-o

This is why the Tubes were invented.

“41 Sayth the libertine, “’tis well and goode

42 But sharia goes now where nae it should;

43 I liketh bigge buttes and I cannot lye,

44 You othere faelows can’t denye,...”

EPIC LULZ


47 posted on 02/13/2008 3:22:32 PM PST by B-Chan (Catholic. Monarchist. Texan. Any questions?)
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To: decimon

I assume you are joking.

You are joking, right?

Please tell me you were joking...


48 posted on 02/13/2008 3:25:18 PM PST by B-Chan (Catholic. Monarchist. Texan. Any questions?)
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To: hsalaw
You're kidding, right?

Of harmes two the lesse is for to cheese.

49 posted on 02/13/2008 3:33:28 PM PST by decimon
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To: B-Chan
I assume you are joking.

You are joking, right?

Please tell me you were joking...

I am right sorry for your heavinesse.

50 posted on 02/13/2008 3:38:06 PM PST by decimon
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