Replies

One man's recipe for genuine Texas red chili:

1 pint tequila
10 medium jalapeno peppers
15 medium ancho chili peppers
3 medium chipotle peppers
10 medium japanese peppers
30 cloves garlic -- minced
30 pounds stew meat -- lean
1 cup flour
4 cups chili powder
6 cups beef broth
3 quarts beer -- light
4 tablespoons coriander -- ground
6 tablespoons cumin -- fresh ground
4 tablespoons oregano
1 tablespoon sugar
2 tablespoons salt
5 tablespoons masa harina -- optional

"The main event is based on the bible of the chili culture, Frank X. Tolbert's "A Bowl of Red". Any food nor prepared his way may taste good, but it's not chili. End of debate."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Have a big hit of tequila to establish a chili perspective. Pace yourself, though: serious chili cookery requires less concentration than brain surgery, but you'll still need your wits.

2) Discard seeds and veins from dried peppers. Cover peppers with water and boil for fifteen minutes, then cover pot and let sit.

3) Chop seeded and deveined jalapenos into small bits. Set aside. (CAUTION: Peppers burn! Beware of cooking fumes when boiling peppers; wash hands thoroughly after working with them. Be careful where you put your fingers for a couple of days.)

4) Take another belt of tequila. Move on to Phase II.

5) Lightly saute garlic in bacon drippings (or cooking oil) over medium heat. Do not brown. Transfer to kettle.

6) Brown meat a handful at a time in the pan used for the garlic. Turn frequently with a spatula. Do not crowd, or meat will steam. Transfer to kettle. (NOTE: This is boring and messy. Wear an apron and be prepared to clean up a lot of spatters.)

7) Sift flour and chili powder together. Combine with meat. Stir with a large wooden spoon (or small boat paddle) until meat is lightly coated.

8) Remove cooked chili peppers from liquid and mash into a paste. Save liquid. Add all peppers (including the jalapenos) to kettle.

9) Add beef broth, chili cooking liquid, and two and a half quarts of the beer to the kettle. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Stir frequently to avoid sticking. Liquid should be at least two or three inches above meat. Add more beer (or even water) if necessary.

10) More tequila; chase with remaining beer.

11) Reduce heat to a strong simmer, then add other seasonings. Rub cumin seeds, oregano, and coriander between your hands over the kettle. This may cause them to blend into the broth quicker, and it certainly feels good.

12) Cook over low heat, partially covered, until meat just begins to fall apart. This should take two and a half to three hours. Stir frequently. Taste from time to time to appreciate what a fine brew you have. Adjust spices. Relax, but don't collapse.

13) Tequila.

14) Optional: Make a roux with the masa harina and a cup or so of the cooking liquid. Add to the kettle for the last fifteen minutes of cooking. Do this if the chili needs to be thickened a bit or if you're partial to the tortilla bite that masa imparts.

15) Finish the tequila, if you haven't already.

16) Cool the chili, refrigerate overnight, and skim the grease off the top of the kettle the next morning. Leave it out of the refrigerator for a couple of hours before starting to heat it up. Warm S-L-O-W-L-Y over a very low fire before serving. Stir a lot to make sure it doesn't stick. Don't blow it all after this much work!

Serves 35-40 chiliheads or 55-60 polite eaters. I prefer it straight, but some people like it "going to the prom" (that is, topped with grated cheddar and chopped onions and maybe some chopped jalapenos, or a dollop of hot sauce).

A note on hotness: First-timers may want to cut back on the number of peppers in this recipe, at least during the early stages of cooking. Serious chili is a rich, tasty nectar with a sharp bite, but it shouldn't be so hot you can't eat it. On the other hand, it should make your forehead sweat!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
- JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
- FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
- JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
- FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
- JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
- JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
- FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic
- JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
- JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
- FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
- JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
- JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
- FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
- JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
- FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
- JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a canof chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
- FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili
- JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
- JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
- FRANK: (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)