Bumper Crop: My Two Cents on Sticking It

The Journal of Applied Social Psychology provided a little illumination lately to understanding road rage. In a study by Drs. Szlemko, Benfield, Bell, Deffenbacker, & Troup (which sounds more like a remarkably diverse law firm than a medical study team), researchers found that the more bumper stickers on a car, the more likely the driver is to behave dangerously on the road. Sort of puts that obnoxious “COEXIST” sticker in a whole new context, doesn’t it?

The doctors found that things like fuzzy dice, stuffed toys, seat covers, and bumper stickers were all ways that drivers personalize their cars – and that the greater the personalization, the greater the likelihood that they would consider their vehicles to be “primary territory” (places like bedrooms and bathrooms). Therefore, even when out in “public territory” (places like roads, sidewalks, and parks), the drivers would tend to treat both the car and the environs more defensively, and more aggressively so.

“Territory markers” such as bumper stickers were found to be “significant predictors” of road rage. Furthermore, “only the number …[and] not their content” counted – “…better than vehicle value, [or] condition.” In short, the junker covered with “Give Peace A Chance” variations was more likely to house a road warrior than the Jag with a single “Support our Troops” ribbon.

Considering the number of “Kerry/Edwards” stickers still seen around here, one can only conclude that there must be a lot of riled-up Democrats in town. The old rule that says the worse the car, the worse the driver won’t hold up anymore, unless that Ford is festooned with adhesive wisdom. Similarly, the Law of Gross Tonnage (size counts) may not work unless that extra space has been converted into a bill-board.

But how far does this go? If one refrains from wall-papering the finish of one’s car (another way of treating the car as valuable personal property), does that skew the findings? May we expect better behavior from drivers that fret more about what their wax-job says about them than what their bumpers do? Are they the stealth combatants on the asphalt battlefield, the ones you see every weekend buffing the hood and muttering things like “my precious…”?

It would be nice to have a few more details. Is there a difference between the emotional state of someone who hangs fuzzy dice or an air freshener from their rear-view mirror and someone who hangs beads, rosaries, or CDs? What about differences between cheap terry-cloth seat covers and those bed-of-nails wooden massage seats?

But the study says that content is really not the issue, just quantity. The more stuff you put in and on your car, the more likely you are to be tempted to stuff it up someone’s tailpipe when riled. In this context, a Teletubby is no different than a plastic patron saint, and an Obama sticker is no different than one saying “Reality Sucks.” (OK, that may have been a moot comparison…)

But if the driver who has too much to say is the one most likely to fly into a rage, what about those of us who are forced to read all the tired trite tripe tattooed to their trunks and tailgates? Isn’t there a risk of us getting so fed up with the other guy’s opinion that we may, ourselves, become the enraged ones?

Of course, now that this study is out, it will quickly become part of the collective cultural wisdom. Anyone with more than one bumper sticker will be viewed with suspicion by everyone else on the road. The police may actually start profiling for cars whose sticker-count surpasses certain norms. The guy with sixteen patriotic slogans on his car may find he gets pulled over more often than the guy with only “Death to America” on his bumper. Think that’s a little far-fetched? Go through the security check point at your local airport.

This is obviously a crisis already. Congress should do something. How about a mandatory cap on stickers? Manufacturing standards for non-adhesive car finishes? How about a system of “chrome credits” and offsets? Maybe we could subsidize sticker makers to let their printers lay fallow for a season? Perhaps a windfall tax on the makers of the most popular stickers? What about designating “no sticking” lanes on the road?

Nothing’s simple anymore. Many used to wonder what the bird poop on the trunk would do to the paint job – now we have to wonder what it may say about us?

I used to plaster my truck with bumper stickers. They saved me from a speeding ticket once. I’ll try to remember some.

Cats, the other white meat
Hunt with your kids, not for them
Earth first, we can mine the other planets later
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!
Watch out for the idiot behind me!
Moooooove, I’m trying to speed!
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES!
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes, use birth control.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
All women are idiots, and I married their queen.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes .
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We are not old people, we’re recycled teenagers!
If you’re rich, I’m single!
If this sticker is getting smaller, the light is probably green.
Your turn signal is still on.
It’s impolite to stare.
USMC: Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.
Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want?
They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
...and I should care, why?
0-60 in 15 minutes!
100% Irony Free.
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
7 days with out Jesus makes one weak.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A church alive is worth the surprise!!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner.
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.
All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
AMERICA-Love it or leave it!
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Are you following Jesus this close?
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. – Dorothy.
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk.
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Baby on bored.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
Bad cop! No donut!
Barbie ain’t here.
Be Human.
Be nice, society already sucks.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Be the kind of friend you’d want.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beam me up Jesus.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1865.
Beer: The reason I get up each afternoon.
Before giving someone a piece of mind, be sure you have enough to spare!
Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Hillary Clinton: 89% fact free
Bite Me!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS.
But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass.
Buy a gun. Support the constitution.
Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.
Buy American!
Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??
Can’t Feed ‘Em! Don’t Breed Em’!
Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!
Cats: The Other White Meat.
Caution — Driver Legally Blonde.
Caution! I brake for hookers.
Caution! I drive like you do!
Caution! I brake for no apparent reason.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is good...you go first!
Change is nevitable, except from a vending machine
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Children are like farts: your own are tolerable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Clones are people 2.
Coffee, chocolate, men; some things are just better rich.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucious say “Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.”
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper - use both sides.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend.
Constipated people don’t give a shit.
Corduroy pillows; they’re making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes.
D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers.
DANGER: I drive like you do!
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.
Death is God’s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.
Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Deep down, divers care.
Democrats=Beaureaucrats=STUPID.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!
Dewey, Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)
Did you check if your horn works?
Did you just fart or do you always smell that way?
Diplomacy is saying “nice doggy” until you find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Disappointed? Too bad!
Divers get more tail.
Do I look like a freaking people person?
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not play leap frog with a unicorn.
Do not put a question mark where God put a period.
Do they ever shut up on your planet.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor’s say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
D’oh!
Don’t drink and drive...you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.
Don’t be sexist - bitches hate that.
Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t come knocking if the car is rocking.
Don’t delay, paint today
Don’t drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don’t drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don’t drink and derive. Alcohol and calculus don’t mix.
Don’t f*** with my head and I won’t think with my dick!
Don’t follow me I am lost!!
Don’t judge a book by its movie.
Don’t laugh, it’s paid for.
Don’t laugh; your daughter may be in back.
Don’t let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don’t make me go medieval on you.
Don’t miss heaven for the world.
Don’t play stupid with me... I’m better at it!
Don’t rub the lamp unless you’re ready for the genie.
Don’t start with me, you won’t win!
Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Don’t trust women.
Don’t wish for it, work for it.
Don’t worry about life, you’re not going to survive it.
Drive it like you stole it!
Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
Drop dead.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will be out.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
E. coli happens.
Each day is a gift.
Eagles don’t flock.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Earth first! We’ll log the other planets later.
Earth first! We’ll mine the other planets later.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Elvis has left the planet.
Elvis is dead and I’m not feeling too good myself.
Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with battery.
Enjoy life, it’s just a dress rehearsal.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Eschew Obfuscation.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Every thing is on loan from the government until you can’t pay your taxes.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everything I need to know I learned in prison.
Everything is possible, just not too probable.
Everything is somewhere.
Every time you speak, you make someone dumber for listening to you.
Faster than a speeding ticket.
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Fight socialism...vote Republican!
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
Follow that car, Godzilla. And step on it!
Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.
For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
For him to get an idea, it would take a surgical process.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Forget about world peace, visualize using your turn signal!
Friends don’t let friends drive naked!!
Friends don’t let friends miss out on heaven.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Front bumper -Run, Hillary, Run!
Get over it!
Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.
GIMMIEABREAK!
Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face.
Go on, I will see you at the next light.
God bless our troops.
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
God is my co-pilot, but the devil is my bombardier.
God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.
God must love stupid people...he made so many!
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Got brains?
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity is a myth. The earth sucks.
Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!
Grow your own dope, plant a man
Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
Gun control is a steady hand.
Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.
Guns don’t kill people. Postal workers do.
Guys: no shirt, no service. Gals: no shirt, no charge.
Hang up and drive!
Happiness is Clinton’s face on a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now!
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today?
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it?
He who angers you, conquers you.
He who farts in church sits in his own pew.
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged.
Heck is for people that don’t believe in Gosh.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Help, I am lost and cannot find my beer!
Hey idiot, you’re driving a car, not a phone booth
Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish!
High beams were made to piss people off!
Home school! Smarter than ever.
Honk if anything falls off.
Honk if I’m Jesus!
Honk if you are blond.
Honk if you hate noise pollution!
Honk if you haven’t slept with Clinton!
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you love Rush.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
Hope dies last!
Horn broken . Watch for finger.
House guarded by shotgun 3 days a week. Guess which days.
Housework makes women ugly.
How about never? Is never good for you?
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
How may I ignore you today?
How’s my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK
huked on foniks werkd fer me
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
I admire gay men, they leave more women for me!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am not speeding, I am qualifying.
I am overjoyed with whelm!
I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I can’t go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
I do work for food.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don’t decaf.
I don’t do mornings.
I don’t do requests.
I don’t drink. It dulls the drugs.
I don’t drive fast. I fly low.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
I don’t know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t make any difference.
I don’t repeat gossip. So listen close the first time.
I drank what?
I drive like this to piss you off.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I’m not afraid to use it.
I have no desire for money. Its stuff that I want.
I have the body of a god ... Buddha
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it’s worth $50.00
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I know my biology; it’s your biology I don’t know.
I know what you’re thinking and you should be ashamed.
I know...I know...pull over.
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I left the womb for this?
I like cats! They taste like chicken.
I like you but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals. They taste great!
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love my country but fear my government.
I love my job...shoot me now!
I love Uranus.
I may be fat but you’re ugly and I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I’m ahead of you.
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I must be a proctologist because I work with assholes.
I must hurry, for there they go and I am their leader.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I owe, I owe, so it’s off to work I go.
I press charges.
I pretend to work; they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I see dumb people.
I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore
I souport publik edekasion.
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I swerve for cats.
I talk to strangers.
I think feminists are cute!
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I’m dangerous.
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried being normal once. I didn’t like it.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I want you to stay far away from me.
I was an atheist until I realized I was God
I was born brilliant. Education ruined me.
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have voted against Hilary!
I wish I was Barbie. That bitch has tverything.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m insured by the mafia. You hit me and we’ll hit you.
I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I’d love to trade caller I.D. for “Caller I.Q.”
I’d rather be a failure at something I love, than a success at something I hate.
I’d rather be fishing!
Idiots surround me!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving ain’t for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
If God intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it doesn’t fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it is a man made world, why can’t we remake it?
If it isn’t broken...fix it until it is!
If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
If it’s tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If life is just a game,then I must have missed the kickoff.
If life’s an idiot, then you must the god.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If my car were a horse, I’d have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying – Let it!
If the company’s name is Yellow, why are the trucks painted orange?
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba The Hut?
If we all quit voting, will they all go away?
If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
If you can do the time, you can do the crime.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
If you can read this, I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this, I have lost my caravan.
If you can read this the bitch fell off.
If you can read this you are too close..
If you can read this you’re in range.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
If you can read this, roll me over.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can’t take a joke, take a hike!
If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
If you don’t like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If you drink don’t park, accidents cause people.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it’s probably a counter attack.
If you get any closer, I’ll fart!
If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
If you think I’m a bitch, wait until you meet my mother.
If you think this car is dirty, you should spend a night with the driver!
If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, your aiming too high.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you write “WASH ME” on my truck, I’ll carve “RECESSITATE ME” on your chest!!!
If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard.
If your ship hasn’t come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it, honk your horn.
If you’re against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I’ll not stop.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
I’m a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.
I’m against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
I’m an optimist, but I don’t think it helps.
I’m back by popular demand.
I’m feeling uppity.
I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
I’m looking forward to regretting this!
I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m just an expert at being confused.
I’m not as dumb as you look.
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
I’m not driving fast, just flying low.
I’m not littering, I’m donating to the earth.
I’m not really a driver, I just play one on TV.
I’m not tailgating I’m just trying to keep my bumper on.
I’m objective; I object to everything.
I’m only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I’m only driving this way to piss you off.
I’m only here to ANNOY!!
I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I’m serious; it was a joke.
I’m so hungry, I am farting fresh air.
I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I’d try to see things your way, but my head doesn’t go that far up my butt.
I’m with the band.
I’m wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
Impotence: Nature’s Way of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In theory, everything works.
Inflation is when the buck doesn’t stop anywhere.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road!
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is,it’s always room temperature.
It is as bad as you think and they are all out to get you.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It’s been one of those days all week
It’s a Macintosh; it’s got an excuse.
It’s a wonderful life.... with me.
It’s all a pigment of your hallucination.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
It’s always too early to quit.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
It’s been Monday all week.
It’s easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It’s not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
Its not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to there when it happens.
It’s not the size of the boat that matters, it’s the motion in the ocean.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
It’s time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
I’ve been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
I’ve forgotten more than I’ve ever learned.
I’ve given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?
I’ve lowered my expectations to the point where they’ve already been met.
I’ve upped my standards, now up yours!
Jesus is coming... Look busy.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you’re an ass hole.
Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!
Join the IRS (Be audit you can be.)
Judge me all you want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Just plead the Fifth — or drink it — either way.
Keep America clean, swallow your beer cans.
Keep honking, I am reloading!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Kiss me, I’m toxic.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs at you.
Laughter, cries and all that is wise...
Learn from your parent’s mistakes, use birth control!
Let’s get along with me.
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.
Life is a glitch in the universal program, death is just the programmer’s way of debugging.
Life is a lesson, you’ll learn it when you’re through.
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is like a straw; it sucks.
Life is not a garden, so quit being a hoe!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Life isn’t weird, it’s the people in it.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Life sucks, and it leaves some mean hickies
Life. Its just a cereal.
Life’s a beach, and then you drown.
Life’s a bitch, and then you die.
Life’s a garden, dig it.
Life’s expensive; drive defensive.
Life’s too short to dance with ugly men/women.
Life’s way too short to stay on topic.
Listen to the silence!!
Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Look before you open your eyes.
Look out! Behind you!
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make WAR, not SEX, it’s safer!
Man made beer, God made pot, you make the choice.
Mean people suck.
Men are idiots and I married their king.
Men are like outhouse’s, always taken or full of shit!
Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
Men are proof that women have a sense of humor.
MEN. bigger. stronger. better.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open.
Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you they can’t laugh either.
Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Montana -— At least our cows are sane!
More people I meet, more I like my dog.
Most Americans have faith... You can tell by the way they drive.
Most people plan to serve God at 11:00 and die at 10:30!
Musicians Duet Better.
My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass!
My boss treats me like a mushroom; He feeds me shit, and keeps me in the dark.
My child beat up your honor student!
My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.
My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.
My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail.
My favorite color is chocolate.
My god can beat up your god.
My hockey Mom can beat up your soccer Mom.
My IQ came back negative!
My karma ran over your dogma.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other auto is a 9mm.
My other car is a piece of shit.
My other car sticker is funny.
My other ride is your mom
My other toy has tits.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
My Reality Check Just Bounced.
My son can kick your honor student son’s butt.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” ...I’m sure going to miss her.
My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I’ll miss her.
National Atheist’s Day April 1
Never cut what you can untie.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never judge a man by his bumper sticker.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse.
No matter where you go; you’re there.
No prohibiting allowed!
No sense being pessimistic, it wouldn’t work anyway.
No more gruel.
Nobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m.!
Not all who wander are lost.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn’t have to do it.
Now that you are kissing my bumper... wanna get married?!?!?!
Nuke the whales.
Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most!
Oh look! Just 2,852,677 more days till I start caring what you think.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One more repo and I’ll be debt free!
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.
Out of my mind; back in five minutes.
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Overpopulation... too much of a good thing.
Pain is inevitable; misery is optional.
People who think they know what they’re doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Please don’t hit me; I’m a pedestrian trapped in a car.
Please do not feed the ego!
Pol-I-Tics: poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Proud mother of a delinquent child!
Pull my finger.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quiet brain! Or I’ll poke you with another Q-tip.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rap is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Real men love Jesus!
Real women don’t have hot flashes; they have power surges.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS!
Rehab is for quitters.
Relish today, ketchup for tomorrow.
Stop lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
Remember my name, you’ll be screaming it later.
Remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Repetition is always better the second time.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)
S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone’s Rights
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Save a tree, eat a beaver.
Save on gas, go fart in a jar.
Save the planet, recycle an environmentalist.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set
Save your breath, you’ll need it to blow up your date!
Scixelsyd Etinu (backward).
Screw you guys, I’m going home!
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it
Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Simplify!
Slow thinkers keep right.
Smile and be nice.
Smile and the world smiles with you, frt and you stand alone.
Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
SNIPER BAR & GRILL: All you need is one shot!
So many cats, so little time.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time,
So you’re a feminist, isn’t that cute!
Some have morals, some don’t, and most simply ignore them.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep!!
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Sorry, you are not a winner.
Spank me!
Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys.
Squirrel...it’s what’s for dinner.
Stop global whining.
Stop reading my bumper stickers and drive!!
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Study long, study wrong.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Stupid should hurt!
Stupidity should be punished.
Stupify
Suburbia: Where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them.
Super Bowl is french for sitting on your ass and getting fat.
Support a cause, stop plate tectonics.
Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.
Support publik edekasion.
Support yogurt, it’s the only culture some people have.
Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking is bad for you. You always known that, just like everybody else. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don’t come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you anyways?
T.G.I.F: Thank God I’m Female.
Take me drunk, I’ m home.
Talk only if you can improve on the silence.
Taxation with representation isn’t so hot, either!
Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my gun.
Tell your taxidermist to “Stuff It!”
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Thank You...YOU MAY GO!!
Thanks for being a contestant.
That’s all I’m saying and I ain’t saying no more.
The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot?
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
The buck doesn’t even slow down here.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The earth is full, go home.
The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
The horn blows. Does the driver?
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same!
The meek will Internet the world.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.
The more you listen, the more you know.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The road to hell is paved with democrats!
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.
Second place is just the first loser.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The squeaky wheel is often replaced.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
There are only two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead!!!!
There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes.
There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..
There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think a truck hit mine.
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
They’re not hot flashes...they’re POWER SURGES!
THINK before you ACT.
This car is constipated: hasn’t passed a thing all day!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker!
This is not an abandoned car.
This is the rebel base.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn’t lost one yet..
This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.
This was better than any diet I’ve ever been on.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you’d be dead.
This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing!
To be loved, be lovable
To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.
To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
To you it’s a six-pack; to me it’s a support group.
Today’s subliminal message is: ( )
Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!
Try it sober!
Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore.
Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the back button.
Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
Visualize whirled peas.
Want to be somebody? Don’t drive after drinking.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: mental backup in progress.
Was today really necessary?
Watch out! Coming through!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are having EVER so much fun!
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
Welcome to reality, come again soon.
Welcome to shit creek! Sorry, we’re out of paddles.
Well, isn’t that special!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is this? bizaroland?
What would Scooby do?
What would Xena d?
What you don’t do is always more important than what you do do.
What, are you stuck on stupid.
Whatever!
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When God made man, she was only joking.
When I die, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.
When I married ‘Mr. Right,’ I didn’t know his first name was ‘always.’
When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When life is bad...keep your head up. That way you don’t see all the shit you’ve stepped in.
When the chips are down, The buffalo is empty.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt; in case heaven is like the IRS.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.
Where there’s a will there’s a BEER!
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Which came first, the woman or the department store?
Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM?
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who needs this crap.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Who’s your Daddy?
Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night?
Why are girls that way?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Why be normal?
Why can’t women learn to put the toilet seat back up?
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn’t shit on stage.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they call it a bumper if you’re not going to use it?
Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Why me?
Wink, I’ll do the rest!
Without pain and suffering you have no choice!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
Yes, this is my truck. No, I won’t help you move!.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the whole damn road!
Yesterday I knew nothing; today I know that.
You ain’t seen nothing yet.
You are depriving some village of its idiot.
You are driving to close, I can see your bald spot.
You are here!
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
You can’t be late until you show up.
You have been a naughty girl, go to my room!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
You just lived your best moment, now go live another!
You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
You went on vacation and all I got was this stupid bumper sticker?
You! Out of the gene pool!
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an asshole.
Your honor student deals the best drugs.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your village called, their idiot is missing.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

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