Congress to Halt Closing of Unprofitable Starbucks

Scrappleface ^ | Scott Ott

[Sub-Driver]

Congress to Halt Closing of Unprofitable Starbucks by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace · No Comments

(2008-07-02) — Democrats in Congress today plan to introduce a bill to halt the recently-announced closing of some 600 Starbucks coffee stores, noting that the displacement of 12,000 Starbucks baristas would overwhelm government aid offices not prepared to handle so many clients for whom English is a second language.

Baristas, those who serve Starbucks beverages, speak a peculiar dialect that combines pseudo-Italian and American slang with inflections borrowed from ancient hemp-smoking cultures.

“These people can’t just walk out of Starbucks and get a job at a grocery store or a factory,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “They would need ESL classes and cultural training to learn how to relate to ordinary Americans and function in society.”

Rep. Pelosi’s bill would subsidize the 600 money-losing Starbucks locations by giving away millions of taxpayer dollars in so-called ‘Venti Vouchers’ to residents of these hard-hit neighborhoods. If the effort fails to revive the flagging stores, Rep. Pelosi said Democrats would “seriously consider nationalizing the coffee industry to ensure the free flow of java at fair prices.”

“This is just another one of our heroic Democrat efforts to protect Americans from the impact of the Bush economic policies,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Under this president, America has become a cold and desolate place where corporations cut unprofitable activities to focus on increasing the bottom line, and returning value to shareholders. When Democrats retake the White House next year, we will reverse that trend.”

[Billthedrill]

I think it'd be easier just to pass a law requiring every American to drink a cup or two there every day under penalty of fine or imprisonment, or both. It isn't as if the country can afford multiple opinions on the matter. We risk losing the coffee race. We run the risk of American children turning into shapeless blobs of goo with donut toppings smeared all over their chubby little faces, forced to drink the dishwater that comes out of a Dunkin Donuts pot.

And that's for adults.

[truth_seeker]

“Now.we’ll have 2 starbucks on every block instead of 3!”

Well they are still opening new ones in my area. My wife enjoys some of their items.

Each store they opened was effectively a business “estimate” it would go well. Obviously some didn’t.

Adjustments are made. That is how business works.