Replies

The only emails I get are from wealthy British expatriates in Dubai who are dying of esophageal cancer and want my help in getting their fortunes out of the country.

esophageal cancer? Hell, that's nothing compared to the "anal dwelling rebel Martians":

From: "MAJOR SIMON TIMOTHY" 
Date: July 7, 2008 3:25:22 PM EDT
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject:GREETTINGS TO YOU(VERY URGENT)
Reply-To: 

Hello
I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health. This letter may come 
to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. The message could 
be strange but it's real and you will realize this if you pay some attention to it. 
I want to notify you about it at least for the sake of your integrity.
My name is Major Simon timothy, a direct and only remaining member of the
 wealthy Timothy's family. I am an astronaut with the Burkina Faso Air Force 
and on loan to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA).

In 2003 I left earth aboard the Mars Rover, Spirit. Seven months later I arrived
 on Mars. Prior to departing earth, I deposited the amount of US$ 11,600,000 
(Eleven million, six hundred thousand United States dollars) in four safety
 galvanized boxes in a European financial institution which will be disclosed 
to you upon your acceptance of my proposal.

Last year, during the course of my research on Mars, I was ambushed by a 
group of anal dwelling rebel Martians who inflicted great torturous pain upon
 my body with anal probes. After a few weeks of enduring the physical pain, 
they released me. As a direct result of this cruelty, I am now very ill with a 
ruptured uterus that has defiled all forms of medical treatment and which has 
been deemed to be inoperable by my Martian surgeons. I am writing this mail
 to you on a laptop from my hospital bed in the Martian capital of Zhwrong.

I now have but a few weeks to live and I am far too ill to endure the long and 
arduous journey back to my Burkina Faso home. Therefore I have decided to 
donate the bulk of my fortune to a church or charitable organization that will 
utilize this money in the manner which I shall impart to you later. In return for
 your assistance, I shall authorize you to keep 30% of this fund for your trouble 
and aggravation plus an additional 10% to cover your expenses.
You should contact my attorney in Ouagadougou immediately with your address 
and Telephone number and he will give you his full contact information and 
guidance so that we can make arrangements as soon as possible.
CONTACT ADDRESS OF THE ATTORNEY.HON. BARRISTER GEORGE OVEREND CHAMBERS.
TELPHONE: TELL: +44702402xxxx:  FAX:+ 44870471xxxx E-MAIL: george.joverend@xxxxxxxx.ru
SINCERELY YOURS, MAJOR SIMON TIMOTHY, NATIONAL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE ADMINISTRATION
ELYSIUM VETERINARY INFIRMARY
ZHWRONG, MARSNANO.

Well don’t that just beat all?

Last year, during the course of my research on Mars, I was ambushed by a group of anal dwelling rebel Martians who inflicted great torturous pain upon my body with anal probes. After a few weeks of enduring the physical pain, they released me. As a direct result of this cruelty, I am now very ill with a ruptured uterus that has defiled all forms of medical treatment and which has been deemed to be inoperable by my Martian surgeons. I am writing this mail to you on a laptop from my hospital bed in the Martian capital of Zhwrong.

I have to admire the creativity.