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Vanity, Vanity, all is Vanity
Vanity | Vanity

Posted on 11/04/2008 7:37:48 AM PST by P-Marlowe

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: obama; vanity
With so many Vanity Threads being posted. I figured this would be the Mother of All Vanity Threads.

Post your Vanity Jokes here.

1 posted on 11/04/2008 7:37:49 AM PST by P-Marlowe
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To: P-Marlowe

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.....................


2 posted on 11/04/2008 7:40:48 AM PST by Red Badger (My wallet is made out of depleted you-owe-mium........)
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To: P-Marlowe

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner
They’d be your partner, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not, you’re with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?


3 posted on 11/04/2008 7:40:59 AM PST by NeoCaveman (Who is the real Barack Obama? Stand up Chuck! Youbetcha.)
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To: Red Badger

Two blondes walked into a bar, the brunette ducked and missed it.


4 posted on 11/04/2008 7:41:45 AM PST by NeoCaveman (Who is the real Barack Obama? Stand up Chuck! Youbetcha.)
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To: P-Marlowe
An old Jewish man walks into a Catholic church, goes into the confessional, and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've been unfaithful to my wife."

The priest says, "Uhm... but you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"

The old Jewish man says, "I've been having an affair for six months now."

The priest says, "Okay, but why are you telling me?"

The old Jewish man says, "My lover is a beautiful, 19 year old girl."

The priest says, "Why are you telling ME??"

The old Jewish man says, "What, are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!!"

5 posted on 11/04/2008 7:42:21 AM PST by A_perfect_lady (History repeats itself because human nature is static.)
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To: P-Marlowe

So, these baby seals walk into a club...


6 posted on 11/04/2008 7:42:38 AM PST by LongElegantLegs (They're penguins! Just wipe the oil off the white parts and toss 'em back!!)
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To: P-Marlowe

Not a good time to be wasting bandwidth you know.


7 posted on 11/04/2008 7:43:54 AM PST by McGruff (Stand up and fight. America is worth fighting for.)
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To: NeoCaveman

What do you call a brunette sitting between two blondes?
An interpreter.


8 posted on 11/04/2008 7:45:21 AM PST by tumblindice (fish heads--yum!)
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To: NeoCaveman

LOL!!................


9 posted on 11/04/2008 7:45:46 AM PST by Red Badger (My wallet is made out of depleted you-owe-mium........)
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To: tumblindice

Why did the blonde dye her hair brown?

She wanted artificial intelligence.


10 posted on 11/04/2008 7:48:10 AM PST by NeoCaveman (Who is the real Barack Obama? Stand up Chuck! Youbetcha.)
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To: McGruff
Yeah, we better save space for all those crucial ‘digg’ threads...
11 posted on 11/04/2008 7:48:50 AM PST by LongElegantLegs (They're penguins! Just wipe the oil off the white parts and toss 'em back!!)
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To: P-Marlowe
Vanity makes us do more things against inclination than reason.

(sorta like posting jokes)...*grins*

12 posted on 11/04/2008 7:49:30 AM PST by Doogle (USAF.68-73..8th TFW Ubon Thailand..never store a threat you should have eliminated))
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To: McGruff
Not a good time to be wasting bandwidth you know.

That's funny.

13 posted on 11/04/2008 7:50:21 AM PST by P-Marlowe (LPFOKETT GAHCOEEP-w/o*)
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To: A_perfect_lady
A variation on that joke:

An old man enters a confessional, and says:
"Father, I'm 92 years old."
My wife and I have been married for 67 years.
But last weekend I was driving along, and saw two college girls hitchhiking.
I picked them up and went to their dorm, and had sex with each one of them, twice.

Are you sorry for your sins?
Sins? I don't see any sins...
No? What kind of Catholic ARE you?
Catholic? I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish!
Then why are you telling me?
Father, I'm 92 years old, and I'm telling EVERYBODY!

14 posted on 11/04/2008 7:54:20 AM PST by Izzy Dunne (Hello, I'm a TAGLINE virus. Please help me spread by copying me into YOUR tag line.)
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To: NeoCaveman

Her roommate found the newly brunette blonde lying on the shower floor, half drowned.
The roommate helped her up and asked, “What happened?!”
She managed to hold up a gallon jug of Suave shampoo, and pointed to the instructions:
“Rinse and repeat.”


15 posted on 11/04/2008 8:00:09 AM PST by tumblindice (fish heads--yum!)
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To: P-Marlowe

This fish is swimming along minding his own business, when all of a sudden he rams face-first into a wall.

Know what he said?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
dam!


16 posted on 11/04/2008 8:00:50 AM PST by highnoon (Hunters were the first environmentalists.)
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To: tumblindice

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!” He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. “In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.” Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?”

The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”


17 posted on 11/04/2008 8:05:31 AM PST by reagan_fanatic (Reagan-1976 Palin-2008)
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To: LongElegantLegs
"So, these baby seals walk into a club..."
18 posted on 11/04/2008 8:13:03 AM PST by Bean Counter (Stout Hearts.....)
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Comment #19 Removed by Moderator

To: reagan_fanatic

My better half and daughter are blonde. I love the jokes.

Three friends, a blonde, redhead and brunette decided to swim the English channel, a race of sorts.
They started early in the morning. Late in the afternoon the brunette steps onto the French beach, followed shortly by the auburn-haired beauty.
The hours go by. It is dark, only the blonde’s boyfriend remains pacing along the shore.
The blonde finally hauls herself ashore, sputtering, angry: “I think those two used their arms!”


20 posted on 11/04/2008 8:13:28 AM PST by tumblindice (fish heads--yum!)
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To: tumblindice

LOL - my little girl is blonde. I hope she develops a good sense of humor!

Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk one day when one says to the other, “hey look - a dead bird!”

The other blonde looks up and exclaims, “where??”


21 posted on 11/04/2008 8:19:31 AM PST by reagan_fanatic (Reagan-1976 Palin-2008)
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To: P-Marlowe

(Famous Iron Curtain Joke. I am sure many old timers from the Soviet Bloc remember this one)

So, it is 1982 and a Polish Engineer, Bulgarian Engineer and a Hungarian Engineer are all visiting Moscow for a Technical Conference. They are all put up in the massive Hotel Rossiya.

After a hard evening of drinking they are all back in their shared hotel room. The Bulgarian and Hungarian start making nasty jokes about Lenin, Communism and Russians. The Polish engineer is alarmed and tells them “Guys! Stop talking like this. All these rooms are bugged and there are KGB guys hearing everything you say! We will be arrested”

The Bulgarian says “Give me a break! You are so paranoid, you Polish Engineer. As if the KGB has time to waste listening to low level engineers like us”

So the Polish guy decides to teach them a lesson. As the Bulgarian and the Hungarian are in the bathroom brushing their teeth, he knocks the door really loudly and announces “Freeze! This is the KGB! I am a Colonel. You are all under arrest!”. The Bulgarian and the Hungarian fall on the ground crying and pleading for mercy.

The Polish engineer has a good laugh!

Next morning when he wakes up he notices the Bulgarian and the Hungarian are gone! He calls the front desk and asks what happened to the Bulgarian and the Hungarian. The front desk person says that the KGB came in the middle of the night and arrested them for treason!!

The Polish engineer is alarmed and scared but also curious. “How come they did not arrest me?”...

The front desk replies.. “Zee Colonel... He liked your joke”


22 posted on 11/04/2008 8:22:27 AM PST by SoftwareEngineer
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To: NeoCaveman
"You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte"

Did your OCR software hiccup? Unless "gavotte" is a synonym for "go by".

23 posted on 11/04/2008 8:22:43 AM PST by Cletus.D.Yokel
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To: P-Marlowe
I figured this would be the Mother

I'm sure you did

24 posted on 11/04/2008 8:25:05 AM PST by don-o (My son, Ben - Recruit training at Parris Island from October 20)
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To: P-Marlowe
Where DO all these blond jokes come from, anyway?

It's brunettes at home on Saturday night, with nothing else to do.

25 posted on 11/04/2008 8:52:38 AM PST by willgolfforfood
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To: Cletus.D.Yokel

The lyric IS ‘gavotte.’ The gavotte is a French dance. Look it up.


26 posted on 11/04/2008 8:56:07 AM PST by informavoracious (Oust all incumbents.)
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To: willgolfforfood
"It's brunettes at home on Saturday night, with nothing else to do."

I beg to differ ... ;o)

27 posted on 11/04/2008 9:07:04 AM PST by Liberty Valance (Keep a simple manner for a happy life - VOTE! ;o)
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To: informavoracious

Ya learn something new everyday on FR!

Now I need to go clean my ears.


28 posted on 11/04/2008 9:11:26 AM PST by Cletus.D.Yokel
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To: Liberty Valance

So would my wife. A hardcore brunette if there ever was one. I occasionally take her out on Saturday, too !!


29 posted on 11/04/2008 9:20:02 AM PST by willgolfforfood
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To: Bean Counter

At least SOMEONE got it... ;-)


30 posted on 11/04/2008 9:27:53 AM PST by LongElegantLegs (They're penguins! Just wipe the oil off the white parts and toss 'em back!!)
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